Chatting to new people

[willspal]

I am a fairly shy person but was determined when my son started school that I would make a real effort to chat to other Mums.

I have always struggled with actually knowing what to talk about with new people, I have listened to others chatting and they do tend to ask questions and that results in a conversation.

I have read that its always good to ask people questions about themselves as there is nothing more people like to talk about than themselves.

So why do I get the feeling that some of the Mums just think I am plain nosey. EG. Today a Mum was telling me that they were going away next week so I just casually asked 'Anywhere nice' and I really felt it was none of my business.

I have a few examples of this but I got to thinking its quite hard work to do all this chatting and friendly lark and even worse if you get labeled with being a nosey person. I honestly don't really care where people are going away on their hols or what their husbands do for a living but for conversation sake I have really tried to make an effort.

How do some people manage to do this sucessfully while people like me fail.

WP

[Maggie-Mae]

Willspal - I can empathise with you completely. I was terribly shy when I was younger and didnt want my children to be affected by what I consider to almost be a "disability". Just keep on keeping on, it gets easier with time and you will gain more confidence in talking to people. Certainly dont feel that all the emphasis is on you to make all the conversation as it is a two way thing but I do agree that asking questions and showing an interest in other people is a good way to start. Asking where someone is going on holiday is a perfectly reasonable friendly question so dont feel like you are being nosey. If the other person made you feel this way, then obviously they are not very friendly. Just try and let it flow naturally, smile and say hello in a cheerful voice and let people see that you are approachable and friendly and if your unsure what to talk about theres always the safe conversation of talking about the children as afterall that is one thing you definately have in common with other mums - its a good icebreaker at least. Perhaps try and organise trips to the park for mums and kiddies after school so the kiddies have a chance to play and the mums have a chance to get to know each other. Good luck x

[Scarlett]

Have you ever considered that you may have mild Asperger' syndrome? I have friends who have this, and they find "reading people's signals" enormously difficult. Conversation is a chore. For most people, conversation is easy- you don't have to think about it. How do you get on with very close friends? Is it talking to strangers that is hard, or everyone?

[willspal]

No I don't find conversation a chore as have a handful of very close friends who I can natter all night with, I just find it hard with new people as I just don't know what to chat about, only so many times you can cover the weather without them thinking you are slightly bonkers or obsessed with the weather. LOL

I 'think' I can read peoples signals fairly well, thats why I just had the feeling she thought I was being nosey when I asked where she was going on holiday. I can tell if someone is in a bad mood/feeling down or fed up very quickly even if they are putting on a face and smiling.

I really do try with the smiley face (not OTT though) but I have given up trying with some people.

I just am the sort of person who would say 'Hi' to anyone but I am finding it hard to realise that not everyone might actually want to be the same. Then my problem is thinking of things to say when the person I have said 'hi' to actually wants to stay chatting. I hate to have a silence and would love to be the sort of person when conversation rolls off my tongue and we can walk along to school, or stand outside the classroom just having a general natter.

I feel more comfortable with my old pals who I have known for years, I can and do talk till the early hours with them but I would love to be the same with new people but am finding it very hard.

WP

[muppeteer]

it may have had nothing to do with you- she may have just been having a really awful day & was not in the mood for talk.

also its possible if you have been standing alone feeling anxious about this, it may have made you look a bit unapproachable. if this happens enough, people may even form the opinion that you are unfriendly (just theorising here)

most people just have a quality that makes them be able to fit in to any situation & be natrual, but then there will always be those of us that cant- we try so hard it comes across as fake.

you seem perfectly nice & its a shame to go about feeling like this. what i would suggest is perhaps approaching a mum whose child your child is friends with and arrange for them to spend time together out of school & gradually a friendship or bond of some sort should grow. if this happens with just 1 person then others are bound to open up.

also you could see if ther is a govenors board or pta that you could join or even apply as class helper & then you would be able to chat in a more professional capacity.

good luck with you quest my friend!

[sexyrussian]

I do not ask direct questions like ''anywhere nice''.I just say something like I wish I was going away too.People actually do not like to be asked questions about themselves.I had a shy friend who felt she had to ask questions to keep the conversation going but it resulted in a load of questions that I did not want to answer.If you stop thinking that you need to talk it will come over more naturally when you do.Never start a conversation with a question and try and be humerous.Everyone likes a laugh.Or you could try going somewhere with a extrovert friend that way you will have more chance to talk to people.But remember being quiet can be a good thing sometimes.They are MUCH better listeners.