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Marital Affair on the Internet
17 Answers
Hi I don't even know why I am writing this as I think I know what you guys are going to say. I have been with my fiancee for 2 years and we have a 14 month baby. The past year has been difficult, he went self employed, I was on maternity leave, money was short, I was tired etc etc and to be honest we have not been 'close' for ages. Anyway last week he was sitting on the sofa with his mobile fone, what I thought was texting, and it was bugging me because I was talking to him and he was not really listening. It bugged me so much when he has a shower I looked at his fone, which I am ashamed of, and I saw that he had joined a marital affair website, basically where people meet and have sex outside their relationships. I have seen the women he has 'winked' at, he has received 2 emails, but can't read them because you have to pay a fee. I feel sick, I am now back to work full time, am paying all of the bills, including his mobile fone bill every month.I am even buying him a car. In the past men have always cheated on me and I am now very insecure, now I have found out this I just feel empty. If I confront him, he will know I have looked at his fone. I have the password into this site and I have looked today, and he 'winked' at about 10 women while I was out Saturday nite. Do I risk rocking the boat and him leaving or just wait until he starts reading the emails and replying. Sorry I am just feeling s***t at the moment
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hi Molly. that's so sad, I'm sorry about your situation.
well, you can sit and wait........... for how long? or you can confront him and get it over with. he may just be curious about what goes on with these sites, but it's not a good sign. you can't deal with this until you have the facts, and you're not going to get them without confronting him.
be strong. I know you looked at his phone but he had obviously given you cause for concern, and now it's up to him to explain himself. he owes you, big time.
good luck x
well, you can sit and wait........... for how long? or you can confront him and get it over with. he may just be curious about what goes on with these sites, but it's not a good sign. you can't deal with this until you have the facts, and you're not going to get them without confronting him.
be strong. I know you looked at his phone but he had obviously given you cause for concern, and now it's up to him to explain himself. he owes you, big time.
good luck x
Hi Sara
As I have his password I can go in and see what he is doing. He has no money to pay for the membership fee as he is always OD so he can't read the emails he has received so far or reply. His behaviour towards me has not changed, he has just called me to say he loves me, and yes maybe it is curiousity but you are right, I do need to confront him. I feel like posting a bogus profile on this site and setting a honeytrap for him, but then I am only putting myself through more pain. He can't deny it, he has joined as a basic member and he has 'winked at women, who are up for it, to be honest not my cup of tea, hate infidelity and he knows it. These women are basically inviting men for no strings sex, and when I think of our baby I just feel sicknened that he has anything to do with it
As I have his password I can go in and see what he is doing. He has no money to pay for the membership fee as he is always OD so he can't read the emails he has received so far or reply. His behaviour towards me has not changed, he has just called me to say he loves me, and yes maybe it is curiousity but you are right, I do need to confront him. I feel like posting a bogus profile on this site and setting a honeytrap for him, but then I am only putting myself through more pain. He can't deny it, he has joined as a basic member and he has 'winked at women, who are up for it, to be honest not my cup of tea, hate infidelity and he knows it. These women are basically inviting men for no strings sex, and when I think of our baby I just feel sicknened that he has anything to do with it
I confess that I've done all those things in my time. I set up a fake profile and the (ex)bf arranged to meet "her".
the problem is, once you're at that stage the trust is gone and I don't know what you have left.
I'm on a few standard dating sites and if you want me to take a look I will.. but think long and hard about this. it's soul destroying for you and emotionally draining. don't put yourself through too much more. personally, I don't think I'd wait for the next step..
the problem is, once you're at that stage the trust is gone and I don't know what you have left.
I'm on a few standard dating sites and if you want me to take a look I will.. but think long and hard about this. it's soul destroying for you and emotionally draining. don't put yourself through too much more. personally, I don't think I'd wait for the next step..
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Thanks Raggy, appreciate your man view. When something like this happens, everyone has their own morals & opinions and I suppose you do expect other people to 'behave' the way you do, which of course never happens. Personally if I was bored, then I would not do this, so now I have found he has done it, I am expecting him to be the same as me. I still feel that he is cheating, even though he has not 'done' anything, is the that difference between men and women, do we really think differently when it comes asking what is 'cheating'. The fact is he has not joined as a full member because he is ODrawn. The question would be, would he join if he was not ODrawn and I think I do know the answer unfortunatley
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Well Molly, without wishing to sound harsh, you say previous partners have cheated on you. Do you think this is because you maybe a bit too tolerant and let them get away with undesirable behaviour.
I'm surprised you haven't confronted him, I certainly would have. If he's in a relationship with you and you have a child, there is no reason for him to be scouting websites, where people are advertising themselves for sex.
So what if he knows you have been looking at his phone, ok, you've done something you shouldn't have, but so has he and what he's been doing is alot more serious.
At the moment it may just be e mails to and from other women, but had you not discovered this or just ignore what's going on, it will inevitably go alot further.
Also, why are you paying his mobile phone bills and buying him a car, why doesn't he buy his own car and pay his own bill, it seems you are doing everything and he is taking you for granted. Try to be assertive and don't allow him or anyone to treat you like a doormat.
I'm surprised you haven't confronted him, I certainly would have. If he's in a relationship with you and you have a child, there is no reason for him to be scouting websites, where people are advertising themselves for sex.
So what if he knows you have been looking at his phone, ok, you've done something you shouldn't have, but so has he and what he's been doing is alot more serious.
At the moment it may just be e mails to and from other women, but had you not discovered this or just ignore what's going on, it will inevitably go alot further.
Also, why are you paying his mobile phone bills and buying him a car, why doesn't he buy his own car and pay his own bill, it seems you are doing everything and he is taking you for granted. Try to be assertive and don't allow him or anyone to treat you like a doormat.
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Hi Velvetee/Ethel
He is 36, he was the one who wanted a baby so much and me being 39 at the time, I really did not think I would fall pregnant so easily, but I did and she is the best thing ever to happen and definatley daddies little girl so he does not feel trapped. Since he has gone self employed the problems have started. We are currently taking a client to small claims because they cancelled a cheque on us, his work is not consistent, he has his own personal debts, he can't get credit, always OD and now I have gone back to work full time as my full time wage is much much more than his and it is consistent and regular, so this is why I pay the bills, and when he gets paid in cash, he gives me some. We have not been close for nearly a year in the bedroom dept so I have to take responsbility for that aswell as it is not one sided, we are both knackered at the end of the day and I get up 5am every morning to get the baby ready, me ready, drop her off at her Nanas then I drive to work. No excuse I know, perhaps that is why he is seeking 'virtual' pleasure elsewhere. We met on match.com so I know alot about dating websites, but this one is going to far. I know I need to make the effort aswell, it takes 2 afterall. Velvetee he is not exchanging emails, he can't because he has to pay, at the moment all he can do is 'search' and 'wink', he has 2 unread emails from 2 different women, but he can't read them because he can't pay for it. Like Raggy said, perhaps he is only just looking, my question is, if he could pay for it, would he???My problem is that he has gone on it in the first place, I just find the whole thing tacky, these women put pictures of themselves with their bits on show, and I am not a prude, I just think if you want to cheat, then sort the problem out at home first and deal with the reason why you want to cheat, then if it does not work out, become single again.
He is 36, he was the one who wanted a baby so much and me being 39 at the time, I really did not think I would fall pregnant so easily, but I did and she is the best thing ever to happen and definatley daddies little girl so he does not feel trapped. Since he has gone self employed the problems have started. We are currently taking a client to small claims because they cancelled a cheque on us, his work is not consistent, he has his own personal debts, he can't get credit, always OD and now I have gone back to work full time as my full time wage is much much more than his and it is consistent and regular, so this is why I pay the bills, and when he gets paid in cash, he gives me some. We have not been close for nearly a year in the bedroom dept so I have to take responsbility for that aswell as it is not one sided, we are both knackered at the end of the day and I get up 5am every morning to get the baby ready, me ready, drop her off at her Nanas then I drive to work. No excuse I know, perhaps that is why he is seeking 'virtual' pleasure elsewhere. We met on match.com so I know alot about dating websites, but this one is going to far. I know I need to make the effort aswell, it takes 2 afterall. Velvetee he is not exchanging emails, he can't because he has to pay, at the moment all he can do is 'search' and 'wink', he has 2 unread emails from 2 different women, but he can't read them because he can't pay for it. Like Raggy said, perhaps he is only just looking, my question is, if he could pay for it, would he???My problem is that he has gone on it in the first place, I just find the whole thing tacky, these women put pictures of themselves with their bits on show, and I am not a prude, I just think if you want to cheat, then sort the problem out at home first and deal with the reason why you want to cheat, then if it does not work out, become single again.
Hi Molly,
what an awful thing to discover. I would not be ashamed that I looked at his phone. he gave you cause for concern and if he isnt hiding anything then it doesnt matter if you look at each others phones.
Not to worry you but if he has joined this site then perhaps he has been on others. Perhaps he is already had an affair? just because you have only found out about this one it doesnt mean he hasnt been devious in the past.
my advice, talk to him. give him the chance to come clean, if he doesnt, you can tell him wha you know.
BUT...and yes there is a but....if things aren't working out, maybe you need to split up or at least take a break until you both decide what you want.
what an awful thing to discover. I would not be ashamed that I looked at his phone. he gave you cause for concern and if he isnt hiding anything then it doesnt matter if you look at each others phones.
Not to worry you but if he has joined this site then perhaps he has been on others. Perhaps he is already had an affair? just because you have only found out about this one it doesnt mean he hasnt been devious in the past.
my advice, talk to him. give him the chance to come clean, if he doesnt, you can tell him wha you know.
BUT...and yes there is a but....if things aren't working out, maybe you need to split up or at least take a break until you both decide what you want.
Molly,
This sort of thing is incredibly common especially when there are young children at home.
By my maths most of the time you've been together you've been either pregnant or with a baby and I suspect that's got a lot to do with it.
You shouldn't feel insecure because people have cheated on you because the simple fact of the matter is that nearly 60% of married men cheat at some time. (and 40% of women!)
You should actually feel good about yourself that you've been bright enough to spot it. There's a good chance that some of the people who'll offer you advice are cheating themselves or are being cheated on without knowing.
It's not you!
Having said that ignoring the rights and wrongs of the situation you've got quite a lot invested in the relationship and you've a child together so walking off and never seeing him again is not really an option.
Why don't you talk to a professional councillor. If you're about to make big decisions Answerbank's probably not the best place to get advice.
If you don't know how to go about it you could start here:
http://www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/counsellin gbyphone/
Relate have been going 70 years now - they must be doing something right
There's a good chance that a number of the people
This sort of thing is incredibly common especially when there are young children at home.
By my maths most of the time you've been together you've been either pregnant or with a baby and I suspect that's got a lot to do with it.
You shouldn't feel insecure because people have cheated on you because the simple fact of the matter is that nearly 60% of married men cheat at some time. (and 40% of women!)
You should actually feel good about yourself that you've been bright enough to spot it. There's a good chance that some of the people who'll offer you advice are cheating themselves or are being cheated on without knowing.
It's not you!
Having said that ignoring the rights and wrongs of the situation you've got quite a lot invested in the relationship and you've a child together so walking off and never seeing him again is not really an option.
Why don't you talk to a professional councillor. If you're about to make big decisions Answerbank's probably not the best place to get advice.
If you don't know how to go about it you could start here:
http://www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/counsellin gbyphone/
Relate have been going 70 years now - they must be doing something right
There's a good chance that a number of the people
confront him! ok - you may have been a bit naughty in looking at his phone, but it turns out you were justified!!!! ask him to explain himself and say you did it because you were suspicious and ultimately proved right. you are in the right, he is in the wrong and if i caught my hubby doing that, i'd either chop bits off or kick him out. you are worth more as a person, wife and mother and it doesn,t matter how hard things have been (life is bloomin' hard and requires a lot of work, not cheap thrills and pick me ups) - he needs to pull more weight. out him in the doghouse where he belongs and let him (severely) make it up to you in order to prove that you shouldn't dump his sorry @rse. at the end of the day, if you don't do something you are condoning his behaviour and you will only have yourself to blame. take back some control and self respect! good luck x
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no-ones mentioned the fact that us men have a natural overwhelming urge to have sex, we cant help it, its inbuilt in us and if we dont get sex and the sort of sex that we really want then it can get so frustrating it can be painful.
hes probably looking at the profiles cos hes sexually frustrated and letting his imagination run wild but it may get to the point where even though he really loves you he will seek no strings gratification elsewhere
hes probably looking at the profiles cos hes sexually frustrated and letting his imagination run wild but it may get to the point where even though he really loves you he will seek no strings gratification elsewhere
This is a mans point of view, I have been married 20 years and look at these sites, I have no probs in my relationship, just because you are married , does not mean your dead, It must just be me , I look through the window of life , I like to look at nice things , have never strayed , flirted yes but never strayed , what exactly is wrong with this possesion thing that women and men feel compelled to do when they are in a relationship?? thats just insecurity, lighten up, enjoy your man , please each other that way he won't stray , you don't have to go the whole hog , it does not take much to please a man , i can tell you , I am one....lol
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