pregnancy scare left me confused

[evedawn]

For ever it seems i wanted a child(even having fertility treatment many years ago). we gave up trying and have lived life as a very happy content couple. recently i had a pregancy "scare" (I wasn't pregant after all - just "late") The way it made me feel has confused me. I was petrified and I did NOT want the lifestyle change. Its not the baby part it's the fact that parenthood is never ending and my hub and i now have so many plans for our life which nowdon't include a child. (though I would never have an abortion - i would've kept iti if i had've been pregnant). thhis h as left me sooooo confused as i always thought "if" it happened i'd be elated. I know it seems selfish...esp as i used to be one of those desperate for a child. My hub is thinking of getting a vasectomy now "just in case" .

[sara3]

you haven't said how old you are, but you could just use another form of contraception while you are both "confused". and if you both feel you have lots of things you should be doing, I hope you'll get on and do them rather than worry about future potential baby issues.

a vasectomy should be viewed as final.

[evedawn]

i am mid thirties, my hub is mid forties . we have been together fourteen years. my hub balks at the idea of condoms. I want to stop putting hormones in my body (because of endometriosis I have had soooo many different pills / injections / implants and my body needs a rest). I am not confused as to whether i want a child. we (both) no longer do...i am more confused as to how the scare made me feel. I always thought i'd be elated (and up till a year or two ago i would've been im sure). now for us the "mourning" of infertility led to acceptance and i suppose life has moved on.

[sara3]

well hey, if you're sure then go for it.. and enjoy the rest of your lives.

I wouldn't view that as selfish :o)

[society]

I don't think you are selfish, Evedawn. Being a parent is not easy work and not everyone is cut out to be parents.

[ummmm]

You've found out the easy way evedawn. Maybe the scare is what you needed to make you realise what you want now. And no, it's not selfish....good luck and have a happy life. Besides the love...kids bring many worries.

[cazzz1975]

you have to be clear in your mind before your husband opts for a vasectomy, if you are not you may feel resentful in time to come because he has robbed you of a chance to have children with him. a vasectomy is not to be taken lightly, most reversals fail so it is the ultimate in contraception. make sure you know what you want before you go ahead

[bednobs]

hi eve, i know exactly how you feel - i have been unable to concieve, been to the fertility clinic etc etc. have come t terms with the fact i'll never be a mum, however (i thought) still harboured hopes that one day it might just happen. A few mnths ago i had a miscarriage (before i knew i was pregnant) and my overwhelming feeling was utter relief, not upset at all for what might have been. it was most peculiar.
My husband is also now considering a vasectomy!

[saxy_jag]

It's not selfish. It's perfectly understandable. You've become used to a particular lifestyle and you see no reason for it not to continue because you haven't planned it any other way. Then something comes along that throws all your plans to the wind and you suddenly have to make big changes.

It's a bit like when someone, say, is crippled or brain damaged in an accident, or suddenly loses or has to change their job. They suddenly have to contemplate a completely new lifestyle that they hadn't foreseen. But they cope with the changes and, over time, everything falls into place.

Incidentally, we had a similar scare some years ago. Like you, I was just late. I already had two teenagers and was looking forward to university. I wondered how I would cope and what would become of my plans, but I guess I would have just got on with it 'with good grace'. I think maybe you would have done too.

[lucca]

Of course, it's not for us to tell you what to do.....However(!):- I would think that while you're both in a rather shocked state, it's perhaps not the best time for your. o.h. to go for a vasectomy. Instead, considering your body has been assaulted by all the contraceptive methods, perhaps he could opt for taking care of that matter i.e. condoms. No good bleating about balking at the idea - he should have balked at the thought of you going through all that c..p!

[Le Chat]

This happened to me. I had one son, divorced and remarried and my new husband and I decided not to have children. I had found it extremely hard bringing up my first son and had suffered from post natal depression, so no way did I want another! I was on the mini pill and went into hospital for a bowel investigation. The strong laxative given a couple of days before the op obviously made the pill less effective (I completely forgot this at the time) and I found myself pregant. Oh my God! I could feel the blood running cold through my veins and I had a feeling of complete devastation. I actually went to an abortion clinic but found that I just couldn't go through with it.
My son is now 6yrs old and I won't lie to you, I found the first 2 years like hell on earth to me...PND came back, extra tired due to advancing years etc etc but I am so glad that I have him. He's a fantastic little chap and brings such joy and fun into our life....so I definitely wouldn't send him back!! My husband had a vasectomy shortly afterwards.
It's just my story but I hope it helps in some way.

[evedawn]

oh thank you ALL who took time to answer (and tell me your own personal stories). Its good knowing that my reaction isn't THAT weird. Like le chat i doubt i could've gone through with an abortion (actually i KNOW I would not have ) and like saxy jag (if she'd been pregant an dnot just late)i guess I wouldve accepted it with good grace and learnt to enjoy it bedknobs - your case is just so similar to mine...how relieed to know that I am not the only one to feel / think that after years of desperately hoping. Can you (bedknobs) imagine having felt our recent reaction a few years ago...? No ways. weird how life changes. lucca you're right my hub sholdn't balk at condoms...but he does. (all in his mind is my opinion) society, ummmm and caz thanks always for your input

[bednobs]

no i could not ever have imagined feeling relieved i wasn't pregnant (well at least not since was 17!)