Spanking...

[Momof2]

My children are 1 and 3 years old. Both girls. We do not play favorites or discipline one child different from the other. They both get in to their equal share of trouble and are faced with known consequences for their actions, the 3 year old obvisously knows better than the baby, but if wrong they recieve a punishment or spanking. I have recently started to babysit a freinds 3 year old son, he lacks discipline majorly. I have caught him pulling down my oldest pants asnd panties and spnaking her butt. What should I do and why has this happened. When we spank our children we often remove them from the room and spank them privatey in their bedrooms, this allows for us to also make sure she understands why she was spanked. Please help.

[miss_chase]

I am sorry but personally this is why I do not believe spanking works.

Children learn their behaviour from those around them (especially adults). Clearly, this little boy has learnt somewhere that if you are unhappy with someone you pull their pants down and spank them.

To me, I find this quite disturbing. As other people have mentioned on this site. It is one thing to lightly tap a child who does not understand reason to stop them running in the road for example (although personally I am against this too) but to hit/spank a child as a punishment can surely only send the wrong message.

See if you can talk to the parent of this boy and work together to find some other strategies to improve behaviour - I am sure people on this site will have lots of suggestions!

Good luck : )

x

[smudge]

Smacking (as I call it) is bad enough, but to pull a child's underwear down to do it, is most unacceptable!

[ursula62]

Sorry to bear bad news, but the little boy has learned this behaviour from you and your children - he either saw you do it, they told him about it or he worked it out for himself from what was said before/after the punishment.

Unfortunately it will be very hard to convince him that it's OK for a grown up to do this, but not OK for him to do it. Children struggle with that sort of idea.

I'd suggest that if you want to continue physically chastising your children then the only thing you do is stop punishing them while this child is around, and make a note to deal with the issue later when you are alone.

[louise jones]

If you have taken to physically injuring your own children at such a young age (surely at ages 1 and 3 it is mainly 'mischief' and not 'trouble') then what are you going to do to them when they are older and argue back, when they rebel against you, when they are big enough to hit you back, when they smoke cigarettes, when they take drugs, when they drink, when they get pregnant as a teen, when they steal cars for joyriding, when they bully other children a lot smaller than themselves????  THATS TROUBLE!! nothing like what a 1 year old baby and 3 year old toddler can do!

Stop bullying your babies and love and respect them then they will grow up with love and respect for you and will not detest you for hurting them.  'HAPPY' children are not usually in trouble. 

[dirtyharriet]

I believe that when you resort to this type of punishment, you have lost control of the situation. It breeds resentment and teaches kids that violence is ok.
I can honestly say that I have only ever resorted to smacking my kids about 6 times in 16 yrs, and only then it was a light tap as a last resort. I now send them to their rooms or ban them from their PS2 for a day.

[barender]

I agree - violence breeds violence. If a child thinks it's ok for an adult to hit someone, it tends to transfer into their own behaviour. I know someone who regularly 'spanks' her children and they have turned into nasty bullies!   

I believe that hitting children can make them more defiant and shows lack of control on the part of the parent, sending out the wrong message. Also, to involve their bedroom as a punishment may lead playing up at bedtimes, as they will associate 'bedtime' with punishment.

I used to sit mine down and speak calmly but firmly to them, explaining why a particular type of bad behaviour is wrong or unacceptable (although 1 may be too young for this, and incidentally I'd be interested to hear what you regard as being naughty in a 1 year old). 

I was a registered childminder and used to look after 6 pre-school age youngsters. Ask yourself why you would feel it wrong to smack someone else's child. Try making them stand in the 'naughty' corner, as this excludes them from joining in for a short while and all kids hate to miss out!

Have you watched the TV programme with the 'super nanny'? (Not sure of the actual title or when it's on, but sure you can find out easy enough.) It may give you some pointers and helpful suggestions, even though the children she 'deals' with are 'OTT' cases. She is an expert and definitely does not think that smacking is the answer to bad behaviour. 

Just for the record, I have 3 grown up sons, all very level-headed, two married with two children each, with very stable and secure and happy family lives. (They do not smack their children.) My youngest, now 23, is marvellous with young children and has run youth groups.

Most important is to make them feel secure and loved. Best time - a cuddle up with a bedtime story!

[Dark Angel]

Its humiliating for your kid to be treated by this boy in such a manner. In future she shouldn't be left alone with anyone other than a trusted adult.

[Casey]

You do not teach a child anything by smacking them, they will only grow to be afraid of you! Is that what you want, your kids to be scared of you? If they are up to no good, there are plenty of other ways to discipline them as already suggested. You are putting fear in your children, the problem hear lies with you. You need to learn how to be a good parent as I find your actions totally disturbing.

[Jooleebobs]

I echo all the comments made above. I do not agree with "spanking" full stop and cannot understand how you expect a 1 and 3 year old to understand why they are being spanked. Why do you have a problem with this boy spanking your child - after all you and your partner do it and also how would you feel if you found out your 3 year old was spanking other children imitating you?

[curiosity]

I think it would be helpful to you and your daughters if you read Helen Bee's Child Development book or something similar. It' hopefully will help you understand that your kids are not necessarily behaving badly, they might not be developmentally old or able enough to do what you are expecting of them. I have 3 kids, nobody's perfect and it is hard work parenting, but it's a lot easier if you know what level they are working at, It gives you the tools to get them to behave without such harsh punishment.

[netibiza]

poor Momof2 - you are obviously trying your best to be a good parent but most people disagree with your methods - it is up to you how you discipline your kids but take on board all these comments - they are valid - good luck -Parenting is the hardest job in the world.

[Scarlett]

Spanking is not right. no violence to anyone, child or adult is right. This is the only way they will learn right from wrong, and they will pass it on in their adult behaviour. If a child misbehaves it is surely more of a punishment to take away a privilege- ban the computer or TV, or send them to sit on the stairs for half an hour to think about what they did. Then really stick to the rules no matter if they back track or apologise!! They will soon learn that bad behaviour has consequences that they do not like- without resorting to violence.

[butter1]

Dear Momof2, I was smacked a few times when I was younger.....only a few, 3 times that I can remember and it didn't do me any harm.  Although, saying that when it comes the time for when I have children I don't think that I will follow in the smacking.  I think you should listen to some of the comments that have been made and I can imagine that it is stressful having two small children.  I do think smacking is a form of violence which shouldn't be in a loving family environment.  Good luck with parenting.

[FP]

Lots of excellent answers.  This little boy is only doing what has been done to him and doesn't realise what he is doing wrong.  Spanking achieves nothing.  I smacked my child a few times and I regretted it as soon as it happened.  It was more to do with my frustration than trying to discipline my child.   Fortunately, he says now that he never remembers me smacking him!

[trodgers5]

How would you feel if someone older and wiser took you to your room and smacked you.  My father used to do this to me and I grew up being terrified of him and eventually hating him.  Obviously if this is your intention with your children then carry on.  Hitting a 1 year old is tantamount to abuse - they do not understand why you are hitting them

[kick3m0n]

As the mum of an 18mnth old boy, I am gobsmacked that any adult should ever have to smack a baby of a year old.   Short of my son running in front of a car and me giving him a smack to reinforce how wrong and dangerous this is, there is no way I would smack my child.  That you take the child elsewhere to smack, giving them time to feel real fear about what is coming, is quite awful.  How on earth you make a 1 yr old understand why she was smacked I'll never know- they're not miniature people you know, they're babies. Treat them with love and respect, please.

[Scarlett]

Trodgers5 I completely agree with you. My Dad used to smack me and my siblings a lot- every time we did anything remotely naughty, and looking back, we were all very good, nice kids! When I was old enough to realise what he was doing was not what my friends' Dads did, I realised it was totally wrong, and UNJUST. I now have virtually no relationship with him, even though we live in the same town- I see my Mum all the time, but I avoid seeing him and speaking to him. I wonder if he even realises why?

Momof2 I think you need to re-examine your discipline procedures. Smacking does not work. There are other more effective ways of disciplining children without resorting to violence.

[Gevs1966]

Momof2, I really feel for you. You came on this site with a valid question and basically all you get back is the whole anti smacking argument thrown in your face.

I believe that you have the right to raise your child the way that you see fit providing that your methods are both responsible and safe for the child and yourself. If you decide that your childs actions require disciplining with a smack then that is your decision.

Everybody has the right to voice their own opinions on this matter but all the arguments above automatically assume that smacking/spanking/chastising your child as a form of discipline is the same as beating/hitting/punching as a way of lashing out at your child.

Your child will not automatically become a bully if you smack them as suggested above. Your child will not automatically become scared of you to the point of terror as suggested above. I think that it is wrong to refer to light physical discipline as violence as suggested above. Any examples given above to back up peoples arguments for not smacking can be countered with numerous examples for the other side and vice versa.

There is a massive difference between smacking/spanking as a deterrent from danger or as a disciplinary tool used alongside reasoning and explaination and violent abuse of children or reactional spanking in anger/frustration.

It is very common for everyone to think that their opinion on this matter is the right one but like everything in life peoples situations are different, what works with some people might not work with others as everyone is different, because of this I believe that if you don't want to smack your children then that is your choice fair enough, I'm not going to tell you that you should. Likewise if you do want to smack your children then that is also your choice and I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't.

[butter1]

Ah, what a nice person Gevs1966 is.  I think your answer to Momof2 question was very thoughtful and nice.  As I said in my previous post, I was smacked and it hasnt done me any harm.  I do believe everyone is different and it is your choice how you want to bring your children up.  I wouldn't personally smack my child (if I had one) but that is my opinion.  I hope you haven't been offended by anyone's post.  I think a lot of people are just voicing their opinion's on their personal experience, I hope this hasn't upset you.  After all, we are just talking over the internet, none of us know you personally and I'm sure your a lovely person who has their children's interest at heart.  Take care