My stepkids came and went

[Cheekyteddy]

Well just thought I would update all you helpful ABers. My post a while ago asked for advice re stepkids visiting for the weekend having not seen them for a while.

It was fine as far as it went. The little girl was a complete nightmare as far as discipline goes. At 5 she will run off into a crowd and is very disobedient. She is also loving, fun and polite. Her brother, the one I was dreading, is 13, he was quiet, polite when spoken to and permanently on the computer!!! We organised swimming he wouldn't go, he sat on the side playing gameboy. We went to a community street party commemorating WW2 and he sulked until he realised drinks and food were involved. We went down to our boat in Devon and our caravan for a BBQ and he contributed nothing. In fact for the whole weekend he was just there. No conversation, he grudgingly gave his dad his mobile number and answered direct questions but offered nothing.

I was nice, thanks andie, I got him a t-shirt as a peace offering to show no ill feeling. I got the take away menu from the local pizza place and cooked his favourite meals. He made it clear that he does not like or respect me. He also made it clear that he is against my marriage to his Dad.

We have decided not to invite him back and to discourage any further contact with him. He has a step father who he has a great relationship with and as he had not seen his dad really for over 2 years we have decided to keep it that way.

However we have said that we would like to see the little girl again. Not because she is easy, she is just human and responsive.

I am going to duck now owing to the responses I am likely to get. But I thought I would be honest and if anyone has something to say I would be glad to hear it. You never know you may say something to make us give it another go!!!!

[twiglet4frog]

i think u are doing the right thing, if he isnt wanting to be with u and his dad then dont torture him any longer and let him just settle with his stepdad if he is happy like it, he needs stability more than u two need a stroppy visit.

Might be an idea for your bloke to write him a letter explaining how he feels such as loves him and wants to be with him but because he cant accept that he has moved on and found love, that he is hostile or discontent and has a wonderful life at his home that u will always be there for him if he ever needs to see his dad again, but until he is ready then u wont ask him to return if he is unhappy. That way he knows when he gets older that he is loved and is allowed to visit but only if he wants to and not cos he is made too. he may grow up and be more mature in the future when he gets over puberty and his life is more adult, he might think about his dad and want to see him, so make sure the door is left open for him to return when he is more sociable and ready to accept things, no matter how many years it takes.

As for the daughter, well she is too young to understand whats happening so there is a good chance that she will accept u and her daddy together far easier and develop a friendly relationship rather than a step mum relationship with u over time. this means your bloke gets to see his daughter grow up and is there for her.

[spudqueen]

My goodness, he sounds just like my 13 year old!!!! Mr Spudqueen took the younger son swimming, 13 year wanted to stay home and play on PS2. Mr Spudqueen took younger son to see the new Star Wars film, 13 year old wanted to stay home and play on PS2. Try suggesting going ANYWHERE and he just wants to stay home and play on PS2. The only places he will willingly go are Pizza Hut, Amusement Arcade, theme park or games shop or playing footie with his mates.

13 year old boys are not very articulate, probably confused with all their homones and just want to play computer games or see their mates. Believe me, they are not interested in ANYTHING else, including parents! Go easy on the boy, he is still a child and just because he doesn't show enthusiasm or communicate doesn't mean that deep down he doesn't care.

[B00]

I love reading spudqueens postings when she refers to her hubby as Mr Spudqueen, cracks me up.....im so sad, lol

[jno]

spudqueen's right, lots of 13-year-olds are like that - nothing do do with stepchildhood. Or rather, it gives them another trigger for sullenness, as if they need one. Nothing to do but wait; keep lines of communication open, though, because it doesn't go on forever. No telling how he'll be when he gets through it.

[spammylou]

I also agree with Spudqueen; plus, you should not let one come and not the other. Make the offer; it is then his choice and he can't turn around and accuse both of you when he is older and less hormonal of you excluding him.  He may not have seen his Dad for over 2 yrs, why is that and perhaps he might have wanted to?  Please don't take these comments the wrong way!

I remember being 13 and I absolutely bloody hated it.

[Cheekyteddy]

Thanks all for your sound advice and support.

It was his choice spammylou. He held his hand out for birthdays and sent his christmas list but refused to talk to us or see us or open letters from us. (even if they just came from his Dad). He has been openly hostile in text messages as well. His sister when asked how her brother was would always reply "****** doesn't like you and ********, but I do"  His mother seems to like the status quo so I expect she has something to do with it.

The most disturbing thing about the whole visit was the way he persisted in trying to parent the younger child. We told him over and over he didn't need to but he carried on. His Mum says he is always like it "He is the man of their house" Her words not mine!

All a bit sad, we will keep the door open for him but for the present nothing is likely to change.

[orange-gnome]

Cheeky-

Ah well, you gave it a go and you were nice, you can't really do more than that!!
Good for you

[spudqueen]

Hi Boo Mr Spudqueen did once ask shouldn't I refer to him as SpudKING???? What do you think?

[El D]

I actually disagree slightly - he is a 13 year old kid. I believe it is up to the adults in relationship breakdowns to ensure that they provide all the support and stability they can, not just withdraw when its not all smiles and sunshine. Essentially you are saying you cannot convince him that his biological father still loves him, which isn;t the case. He is a normal 13 year old who has been badly hurt and wants to hurt back probably, but then he is only 13. In my opinion you should not stop making an effort your side because of one visit going awry.

[Cheekyteddy]

Thanks EL D. But it is not just one visit. In actual fact things have gone from bad to worse in the last week with his Mum winding him up about his Dad letting him down over some exam results we were never told about. Apparently she has told him that we didn't bother to congratulate him. She omitted to let him know we have received no notification. She actually admitted to this to my hubby on the phone but will deny it to the boy.

We really think that the way forward is to leave him alone with the door open (not ajar) for him to let us know when he is ready to try again. Could be this year, next year or 20 years.

[jno]

That's the way to go Cheekyteddy - the kid's plainly being used as a weapon on one side, and it's important that you don't respond the same way. As El D says, he's only 13, always an awkward age; just be patient (and, as you say, prepare for the possibility that it'll take years).