Help! I feel I am going to jump out of my skin!

[ms_neurotic]

Hi all,

I met this person almost 2 mths ago, and it was wrong from the start.   From instinct I knew he wasn't the one but I gave it a benefit of a doubt.  Big mistake.  From the second meeting, he was already putting me in a position I don't want to be in.  I wanted to break ties with this person ever since then; it spiral down to hell for me after that.   He diverge into 2 roles mainly being either the sad apologetic sweet talker to the easily-temper, manipulative bully - where all the guilt and wrong was allocated onto me.  Being a sucker, I fell for his sad apologies and tears.  I can't stand seeing a guy cry.   I can't believe I even bend my back backwards for this man that made me feel miserable. I finally ended things indefinitely 3 days ago in a gentle fashion - saying him and I are of different world and that prolonging things would only extend unnecessary suffering (that is becoming too obliviously evident) - hence, the reason that I had repeatedly asked to end things.   I hope he would come into terms with it, but I feel so emotionally numb when it comes to this person that I can't care to turn back.

I should be very happy, since I can finally escape from a very bad situation.  Yet, my mind is toying with me, it keeps on playing images of what happened shy of last 2 months. How did it all happen? How come I was stuck in such a bad situation so long?  It couldn't have be so bad.  To what extend do we give people a benefit of a doubt, telling ourselves that "we are human, we are flawed."?  (No one person is a perfect jerk just as there isn't a perfect person, even the most notorious 1s have their moments.) On the same hand, how do we show kindness and yet protect ourselves?   I feel like such a fool, shocked, and disorientated. 

Any words or advices of sanity would be appreciated.

[sod_the_m25]

get pills and chill.

[lindapinda]

Hi ms-neurotic,well done on being strong enough to get yourself away from this person.I think though that you're still being affected a bit by his controlling behaviour.Give yourself a few days,and i'm sure you'll feel better cos you can view it with a bit of distance in between.It's ok to feel shocked and disorientated,but you are definetely not a fool.I have a close friend who got involved with with a person like this,and she found it very difficult to break away,even though she knew how much she was being bullied.She is now very happily married to someone else despite all that happened.Go easy on yourself,and don't let this affect how you look at other people in the future,the problem is his!

[jacey]

To put it bluntly, he has f****ed with your head. Be thankfull you were able to get out when you did, Don't weaken and let him do any more damage. Stay strong and try to stay occupied, to get rid of him completely. When he comes into your head. Try to do something to distract your thoughts. Another of lifes lessons learnt eh :-( Good Luck :-)

[jno]

we all try to balance being tolerant towards others' foibles and being protective of our own interests. On this occasion you were nice to someone who didn't deserve it. Good for you on getting out of it. The main thing really, I think, is to learn from it, so if you come across this sort of person again you may recognise the danger signs more quickly and not get involved. It's all part of the learning curve, so you don't have to feel ashamed of your own behaviour. Kindness is a strength, not a weakness, but sometimes people exploit it, and that's what happened this time. You're now getting over a relationship; that always takes time, but my guess is it will be easier because the relationship was a bad one. Best wishes, and don't beat yourself up; it wasn't your fault.

[curiosity]

It's a well known fact that when we physically are missing someone, or our routine is changed, we usually have a mental filter which causes us to think about any good times. So you might start to see only this in him, and excuse the bad, if this happens remember a bad time, and what you said to yourself at that time that you would give to not be there, and say, hang on arn't I the luckiest girl in the world now, the deed is done phew!! Have fun meeting Mr Right.

[ms_neurotic]

Thanks so much Linda, Jacey, JNO and Curiosity for the listening, support and encouraging words. ^_^ I felt a little better when I voiced out my concerns. After reading your messages, I don't feel as insane, finding an anchor to my madness. Jacey and JNO thanks for the affirming advice. Linda and Curiosity, you have voiced out the sentiments in my mind and I will keep your words to my mantra. I will try my best to tough things out. Thanks again all.

[lindapinda]

If you find yourself slipping,let us know! Cheers!

[woofgang]

Just one thing to add is that people who do this are very skilled at it. They are the emotional equivalent of the worst kind of cold call salesman (no offence intended) First they have a natural ability then they hone it with practice. They know which buttons to push, what to say, when to change tack and its all deliberate. Jacey is right. You have been mugged. It will take time to get over it but if you can begin to think of it in terms of a mugging or other dishonest behaviour that you have been an innocent victim of, then hopefully that will help.

The upside is that people like this are in a minority and once bitten is twice shy. Obviously you are strong yourself or you wouldn't have walked away. Stay strong, be kind to yourself now and give yourself time to recover.

Thankyou for being brave and posting. Hopefully other people who read this will get a warning from it if presented with a similar situation

[woofgang]

PS there are perfect jerks around, you just met one!

[mycatis]

ms_neurotic  This is exactly the way my ex acted, I kept thinking (at first) that I could help him, he was sorry, deserved another chance etc  To cut a long story short, I was with him for 5 years and he beat 7 kinds of sh*t out of me for about 4 1/2 years of that. DO NOT go back to this guy, he sounds like a textbook case of a violent partner, if he's not been violent yet then he will.
Good luck, come on here if you need to talk x x x

[soozmac]

you are not alone in this, my ex was exactly the same - he had terrible mood swings, would suddenly get into a big mad mood about something or other, laying all the blame on me and making me feel responsible for his bad mood. I would spent endless night feeling guilty and apologising, while all the while knowing that I hadn't done anything wrong. I spent 13 months with him, and was on edge the whole time. Every night out was a stress, wondering whether we'd end the night well, or whether it would result in him screaming at me in the street for something I had apparantly done. Once he had got it all out of his system and I was a crying wreck, he'd turn it around and start crying himself, which made it impossible for me to walk away from him. Manipulative little ****, he knew exactly what he was doing.

What I've since worked out is that he knew that he was inferior to me, and so put me down as much as possible in order to make himself feel superior. is this maybe what your ex was doing?

Men like this find women who avoid confrontation and then use that to their advantage. They can scream at you for no good reason, and then tug on your heartstrings to make you forgive them, somehow hiding the fact that you didn't deserve the shouting match in the first place. My ex treated me like **** the whole time, but somehow I never ended it. And I hate myself for the time I wasted on him and his personality defects.

[soozmac]

I tell you what, though, I feel a damned sight better after reading all the other postings here. A few of them summed up my relationship perfectly, which astounded me. Are these creeps multiplying??

[Philos]

Hi ms,

From what you describe it sounds like this guy was suffering from a mood disorder and needed some professional help.

IMHO you were right to get away from him. However, I do have sympathy for people who suffer from mental problems, especially if they are undiagnosed. Ou society is quite intolerant of mental health issues, and I feel that some people try to deny that they are ill, even when they are behaving very bizzarely. The sudden mood changes and the crying are a clear sign that this guy could not cope with what he was feeling. Maybe there had been trouble in his family and upbringing; it's often the case.

I must admit, I would rather be you, free and l clear, than him, as he will probably replicate this needy behaviour over and over again if someone doesn't help him to see that he is in trouble.

I think I'm sympathetic because my father suffered from mood changes all his life, and I never saw him happy through a whole day. His illness made his life, and ours, very hard indeed.

Cheers, Philos

PS - I have done some work in the mental health area myself, and sadly I have seen this pattern quite a few times over the years.