My Angry, Fatherless Son...

[Schlomo78]

So. My son's father and I split up when my son was about 2 1/2 - I made the decision to leave as his father was quite obviously having an affair (obviously denied, even when his new relationship 3 months later was amazingly with said woman) I was happy to move on, the issue was with our son who did not wish to stay with his father at weekends. Always assured that our son was fine after 5 minutes and it was a play on my heartstrings, I believed that him spending time with his father was the best thing - coming from a broken home myself I treasured the time I had with my dad, and never wanted to go home, as I was also told was the case here. I have suffered with depression and anxiety my whole life, and as much as I love my boy, I welcomed the break for some 'down time'. As my son got older I would call and ask if he was ok, and he would be fine. Fast forward, a couple of years, and my son informed me he felt like his father's partner told him he was doing a lot of things wrong. He should do things how she said, not what Mum had taught him. He was torn. Eating wrong, shouldn't wear a camouflage t -shirt that he'd been sent in ( stripped off immediately and changed as the military connotations were not ok appararently - although it's a heritage my family are proud of,grandparents and uncles having served here and in the U.S on my fathers side, disputing his proud American heritage and told he was not in any way American, and he should basically get over it. Halloween would not be celebrated at all as it was an 'American Tradition'. I bypassed most of it by being genial for the sake of his wellbeing until I decided to stop forcing him to stay at his fathers house as he was so very upset about almost being re -programmed by his fathers partner. Father disappeared for 8 months, then court papers ensued from father which was laughable and the magistrates agreed they did not understand why I was there (he wanted a whole weekend contact order which they would not supply)- the court ruled he did not have to stay weekends if he did no wish to. I reiterated my desire for him to see his father, and have a relationship with him. Court rules 2 hrs every other weekend (he was too busy to do every weekend!) which I suggested 5 hrs, with a view to staying overnight of he so wished. 3 visits later - wants to stay overnight, great stuff! Comes home, never wants to stay again. Father has a strop on and disappears for 6 months. No answer to his son's texts or phone calls. Sends a b'day card which I see as an opening to realign his relationship with his father and prompt a phone call which ends in him telling his son he can't see him unless he stays over and also that his partner needs an apology from him for saying he does not like her in a voicemail he left his dad saying he only wanted to see him. Sad to say I could not control my anger at his selfishness at that point and tried to tell him - culminating in a hang up and no contact since. Have tried to get my son to speak to his father - who probably wont answer again anyway, but to no avail. Have a sometimes angry and let down 10 year old that I'm hoping I'm enough for, but very worried.

[Mamyalynne]

Well, the poor lad has been caught in the crossfire here and no mistake.

You need to be as calm as possible (no pointing blame etc) and explain that sadly when grown ups don't get along children often suffer - none of it is his faylt.

Re apologising, he only does that if he feels he was out of order.

All you can really do is wait till Dad resurfaces again and deal with it as calmly as possible.

Not an easy situation - and keep telling your son how much he is loved.

[Mamyalynne]

Typo - ^ fault

[Schlomo78]

Thanks Mamyalynne - that's all I tell him, his father did the same with his other much older child, and I do still speak to her but he has damaged her too. It breaks my heart, and I very often ask my boy if he would like to speak to his father, or write a letter, but he will always decline. The last conversation was that his father would not accept responsibility for ignoring him for 8 months because they were 'both as stubborn as each other'. Then he asked for an apology, from a 10 year old boy. All my boy wants to do is see his Dad, as his Dad, on his own, for a few hours, but that is not in the picture. Thank for for taking the time to read :)

[Schlomo78]

I feel so angry with his 'Dad' but when my son says bad things about him I say 'Call him, tell him, lets write a letter' He won't, he tells his friends his father has abandoned him, and I guess he's right. I tell him he must always be a better man/father than that when he grows up, and I know he will. It is very hard to accept that he has to deal with this because he wants to be who he is, although I am proud of him too,

[Schlomo78]

Re: crossfire - no, no! He was not allowed to have hi s own identity or opinions or even eat the way he had been bought up, it was all change, which was the issue as he got older. His dad disappeared then went straight in thinking he would get a weekend order when my son had not been withheld access- his dad disappeared!

[Mamyalynne]

It's very hard for you I can see that - I struggle to give any better advice than I have tentatively offered ,never having been in this situation.

Be strong and I'm sure your Son will grow into a fine young man.

[Schlomo78]

Thank you lovely, it is all very overwhelming sometimes and I think I just needed to vent (ie rant!)
You're right, there is no answer, but just one person hearing me hekps so much :)

[Mamyalynne]

Please take care of yourself too, must be very wearying.x

[Cloverjo]

I have a similar ex-partner. He can be the best dad in the world when he wants to be, but when it gets a bit too much he'll back off and we won't hear from him for a few years. Then it starts again.

My son is now 25, and has been going through the same things your son is going through now, since he was 3. My son has completely given up on his dad, now. I would advise your boy to do the same. He has you and your family. He doesn't need this ***** of a father. It seems your boy has learnt what his father is like.
Just let it all go, now. Your son will be fine.

[Schlomo78]

Thanks Cloverjo...I am so worried about his mental health with his dad being back and forwards, back and forwards- manipulating him into feeling it's his fault (!) You feel so powerless to explain that sometimes people are just selfish and in his dad's case won't just take him out to the park or wherever just to see him. It really breaks my heart that it's his way, or no way at all. If i hadn't seen my child for days, or weeks, and had to understand that he did not wish to stay at my house, i would be there in a matter of minutes! My dad lived thousands of miles away yet always called me every 2 wks, wrote me letters, I'm sure he had girlfriends but our time that we were together was about us. Maybe i am guilty of wishing too much for my boy just to be a boy, with his dad. I feel so, so sorry for him. I know at any point of my life seeing my child would come first, relationships that can't form around that are not needed. His dad has blamed me for 'turning' him against his partner- i think i might have started doing that when he was 3 as opposed to 9 when he decided he didn't need to be retaught or given opinions. Xx

[Cloverjo]

I know, schlomo. I remember a time just after my son's dad had left us, and he was meant to look after my son while I went out to work. I was anxiously hovering around the door waiting for the dad, and my son kept saying 'Is my daddy here yet?'
He didn't turn up.
I still remember that. My son doesn't - thankfully.
I am also sometimes sad that my son doesn't have the love from his 'other' side of the family, but - stuff them - he's ok, and your boy will be too.

[johnk]

Schlomo, I feel for you but don't know the answer. The father will greatly regret what he's done when he's an old man but there's no need for you to, so just stick with your son and love him. When new partners try to be mum or dad it's always resented by children but that's not their fault it's the adults expecting too much of a greatly confused and upset child.

[johnk]

Also best of luck in the future

[murraymints]

you have done all you can do and have behaved in an admirable manner..your child is lucky to have one such extraordinary parent..your ex will regret his actions. I am sure your boy will grow up just fine with your nurturing and by your example xx

[ummmm]

I would go by your sons lead.

My sons don't see their dad. My oldest son did try and mend their relationship but the youngest just wasn't interested. I don't think they are worse because of it.

Some people are just selfish and they rarely change.

[Schlomo78]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and experiences, i really do appreciate them all. It is great support to me. I feel so helpless and I'm sure his 'father' will reappear at some point, to further confuse and upset him. Trying to explain to a child it is not his fault and there is nothing wrong with HIM is so difficult. I think i have to sit back and let things run their course - i cherished the love from my own father i think I'm guilty of trying to force a relationship his father has quite obviously walked away from. Thanks all once again, for listening to my emotional ramblings!! Xxx