Just Came Up With This Little Piece

[Heretoaskandansw]

Hey there! Just came up with this little piece of writing and I'd like to know your thoughts on it:

"I'm going to dig a grave at the heart of the Dead Sea. Swallowed by water and darkness. Isolated from air and any moving creature.
Here, at the end of the world I shall bury you beside me. We'll be blessed by the salt of eternity. No sunshine will make us rot. A rock on our chests will protect us from getting lost in the waves.
My hand shall be on your breast. Forever, darling. I will admire the beauty of your seaweed coat and you will enjoy the symphony of the dead silence performed daily in our world. Our silent, dark and deadly world. No one will interrupt this silence. Not even the sound of our breath."

[jourdain2]

Some lovely phraseology - but a distinctly threatening tenor.

[Heretoaskandansw]

Jourdain2/ Imagine loving someone so much that you want to bury them with you at the bottom of the Dead Sea!

[rowanwitch]

Nice but...the only thing that grows in the dead sea is bacteria. Ditch the seaweed reference.

[Heretoaskandansw]

Rowanwitch/ I thought it wouldn't sound natural to use the term "algae" in this writing. Because algae do grow in the Dead Sea.

[Atheist]

Hereto...............
Interesting prose, but too short an extract to show if it's got legs.
Always remember courtesy and kindness to your reader. Assault them if you wish, but don't make an enemy of them.

[Heretoaskandansw]

Atheist/ Believe me that's the way I speak. I didn't make an enemy out of anybody here. I swear. I was just saying what I thought. It's not that I thought Rowanwitch is wrong. I wasn't even defending my writing. I was just telling them my thoughts.

[rowanwitch]

No algae either only bacteria, but it sounds like there is a bigger story there... I would love to know the situation that leads to the piece you posted.

[Heretoaskandansw]

Rowanwitch/ I've always been a bad student. Google says a unicellular microscopic algae named Dunaliella parva in fact lives in the Dead Sea. But that's the only one. Better to erase the "seaweed" part or change the sea. Wanted to make it poetic haha! I'm the kind of artist who works with her heart and who's not a good friend of science. And about the writing, I guess it was just a brain dump at first, but I'm willing to use it in the novel I'm currently working on. If you're interested in reading my draft we can arrange a way so that I can send it to you.

[Atheist]

Hereto...
When I said "Always remember courtesy and kindness to your reader. Assault them if you wish, but don't make an enemy of them." I wasn't meaning your post to Rowan. I meant by 'your reader' the person who will be reading your work. Your piece is too short for me to have a good idea of what you are about, but I thought that it sounded a bit off-putting with its imagery. Anyway, you should write according to your own aims. Good luck.

[Canary42]

Here are my (amateur) thoughts.

I don't think a technical analysis of the imagery gets you very far - seaweed is OK in my view.

However the imagery (although well constructed) is very gloomy, hardly compatible with what appears to be an attempt at romanticism.

The expression "rock on our chests" jars a bit too in my opinion.

But otherwise well worth persisting with. Good luck.