what to do when grief hits?

[loopyc]

as some of you may know my nan passed away 4 months ago, and i felt like i was coping really well didnt cry much got on with life etc, but after coming back from putting flowers on her grave my grief has hit me like a ten tonne lorry. i cant seem to stop crying and now i have realised i never greived for my nan at all. my kids are concerned as they don't often see me cry, i have my duaghters dance show this afternoon and i can't go in this state. i just dont know what to do i feel like i can't cope but know that i have to for the kids.

[mccfluff]

ahhh loopy i really feel for you, when my sister died i'd get this something would trigger it off and i'd just cry my eyes out. best thing to do it just let it out, have a good cry, you've got a while before you have to be at your kids show, so don't worry grieving takes time & explain to your kids why your sad and i'm sure even if they don't fully understand it will probably make them feel better to know why 'mummys' sad. take care xxx

[China Doll]

I can relate a little, my gran died a couple of months ago too and the other night I was at a ball having a really great time and while having a fag I suddenly had the thought that the last time I wore this dress was at my nans birthday (a few weeks before she died) and the next thing you knew I was crying buckets (and hadn't even been drinking). I snapped out of it after a hug and a chat with a friend but I think it's important for you to realise that every now and then it'll just hit you and you kind of have to go with it and accept cuddles and support from your friends and family. I'd encourage your kids to give you a hug when you're sad and for you to explain why you're sad, it's important for them to understand that emotions are not a bad thing and that everyone needs a bit of support now and then.

Mostly don't be ashamed of how you're feeling and stop trying to be strong for the sake of everyone else (I'm not sure if you're doing this but it sounds like you might be), you have the right to fall apart every now and then. If you always coped and never felt sad about it you'd just be a robot going through the motions of life.

I hope you feel a bit better soon xx

[loopyc]

thank you to both of you your kind replies have made me cry even more! ive just had a huge hug from my little boy which also made me cry so hopefully by the time my daughters dance starts i will be all cried out x

[kazza12345]

there is nothing wrong with remembering someone, then getting upset because they are not here anymore. There is no right and wrong when it comes to bereavement. Have you tried the excellnt cruse website? http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

it is a fabulous place to start. Keep talking about the loved one, and keep remembering!

[PinkFizz]

awww Loopy.Its ok to cry - grief affects us all in so many different ways.When my nan died I cried my eyes out that day,but on her funeral I went into auto-pilot,and people thought I didnt care.I miss her terrible,and am sad that she never got to see my little boy,who she would have adored.

If your kids are old enough to understand,just sit them down and tell them that you are sad as you are missing your nan a lot today.Don't feel you have to pretend everything is ok.
If I was nearer to you I would come round and give you a great big hug.xxx

[cliffsweb]

dont be afraid to cry and to grieve for your nan, its part of life, explain to your kids that you miss her and that makes you sad, you kids may miss her too but may not show it cos thay dont want to upset you, please explain to them, its ok to cry and get upset, try and have a normal life as well, go to your dayghters dance and hold off the tears for a couple of hours, it would mean a lot to her if you were there, by all means greive but dont let it take over your whole life, your nan was special, thats for sure but dont ignore the living ie your family, it might be a nice idea if you went to her grave as a family and layed flowers together, give the kids a chance to say goodbye to her too. all the best to all of you xxx

[Backdrifter]

Grief affects us all in different ways, and we all handle it differently. I never had one specific outpouring of grief for my Dad; I'm just aware of it always there - not to say I can't get on with my life, I'm carrying on as normal but every now and then my memory of him surfaces - mostly it's fine, other times harder to cope with. I always thought there'd be a big load of grieving and then it's done - while I think some people have that, I've now accepted that for me, it's always going to be there in the background - but in some ways it can be comforting. The occasional dreams I have with him in can be a bit more difficult.

With all respect to the well-meaning kazza who kindly recommended that website, keep a note of it by all means but as long as you feel you can cope, just act as you feel is natural. If you wish to keep talking about your nan, do, but you may find it hard to do that right now, in which case, don't. As kazza also rightly said, there's no right or wrong - in fact it's one of the great levellers in life, we all experience bereavement and all have to deal with it in our own way.

By the way, don't do yourself down by saying you never grieved for your nan before. In your own way you probably were but, as you said, something like putting the flowers down triggers it in a different way.

[loopyc]

thank you xx

[raysparx]

Hi loopy,

Carry on crying, these things take such a long time to recover from,but the pain becomes a little easier to bear in time,you must have loved your dear old nan so much,but she will always be by your side no matter where you go and what you do,

I still shed a tear when I pop into the church now and again to light a candle for my grandparents and my parents, sometimes I feel guilty for being happy,sometimes I go for a week or so without thinking about them,but they are with me,in my mind and then I can smile, I can cry,I can laugh at things we did, take care loopy,thinking of you, Ray xx

[WendyS]

Grief is like that loopy. You think you're coping really well for a time and then quite suddenly it comes out of nowhere and completely ambushes you. I think all of us who have suffered the loss of a loved one will tell you that it happens in the most unexpected moments when a sudden thought or memory can trigger off floods of tears. Just accept that it is part of the normal grieving process and although afterwards you will feel quite drained, the tears are actually part of the slow healing process. Don't beat yourself up for being a normal human being. Just hang on to the happier memories.

[Hellion]

Years ago I did a counselling course and we were taught that you go through a 4 stage cycle of grief when you are bereaved (I'm sorry I can't remember the exact stages), you can only move on to the next stage when you have passed through the first one, some will get through each stage quickly some will take longer. If as you say you did not grieve properly at the time you are probably going through the first stage now.
Someone gave me good advice which applies to any sad or difficult time 'This too will pass' a nice way of saying time eventually heals.
Regarding this afternoon a psychiatrist friend uses music as therepy to change mood. Choose some music very cheery and upbeat and put it on very loud it will hopefully bolster you enough emotionally to get through the afternoon. You know your Nan would want you too.

Big Hug from me to you XX

[Veggibear]

Weeks after my Grandad died I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of grief and could not stop crying ( I was driving at the time). I got home and hugged my dad.

Someone has said 'it just hits you' and it does.

I hope you take comfort from knowing you are not alone.

(I would advise you drink some water - you will be dehydrated from crying.)

[Kay]

loopyc, we all understand how you're feeling so please dont try to stem the tears,let then come,tears are healing and a huge part of the grieving process. You have been grieving for your nan but maybe inside? Its better out than in and I always feel better after a good cry and my parents have been gone for years! Does'nt stop me still missing them and still having the occasional weep. Take care. Kay.