Smoking and new relationship

[xJx]

this is really bugging me. iv just got back from the most amazing week ever with my this bloke iv been seeing for quite a while now. it was just fantastic. he wrote me a cute letter whilst we were there and told me how much he has fallen for me and loves me and wants to make a go of things. iv said id want to aswell and since we have been back which was on saturday we have already seen each other twice both initated by him so he must be pretty serious about things which im over the moon about because iv completly fallen for him. so im on top of the world. only thing is he is a smoker and iv always said i'd never be with a smoker because i despise it. its fine other people doing what they want too but i dont think i could be with someone that is doing that to themselves. im still tryin to persuade my dad to stop and it upsets me that he cant. anyways this guy reckons he isnt addicted and just has one or two when he is drunk which wouldnt be so bad but over the course of our week away that one or two got more and more a day. to the point where i got really upset and he could tell it bothered me so he threw the pack away. been in his car tonight and found 2 empty packs. now i dont wanna say anything cuz we arent together yet and i dont wanna seem moany and pushy before we have even got together properly but this is really bothering me. i want to be with him so so much right now but its such a turn off i dont know what to do. so much so im contemplating saying yes to be a couple. am i being to touchy? should i tell him how much i want to make a go of things but the smoking is putting me off? he reckons he can live without them easily so if he can do that and i mean that much then surely he will give it a go. opinions please x

[Minxie]

sorry xjn but if his smoking is the worst thing you can find with him. Then I would say you are picky.

[xJx]

maybe so and fair enough if u wanna call me that but that actually is the only thing that i can fault him on and it just so happens to be a weak subject with me. my grandad died from smoking in his 50s. plus this new bloke has a history of heart trouble in his family. i just hate seeing people i care about going down the same road

[Minxie]

Sorry if you thought I was having a go at you. But you asked a question.

Talk to him about how you feel. He doesnt sound like a heavy 20 a day man. There are worst things in a man than him having the occasional ciggi. Good luck x

[joko]

if he's not addicted and only has 1-2 when drunk then it shouldn't be too hard for him to give up then should it? and if he loves you...

[ummmm]

It's not like it is class A

[silverdaler]

i totally sympathise with you xJx. most non-smokers probably would too. i find it uncomfortable and embarrasing to be with someone while they smoke and i cant imagine why they think we would want to kiss an ashtray !!!! the smell is AWFUL and lingers on everything.
Yeuk ! If he really is keen on you then he should definitely give it up - for his health aswell as your relationship.
i would tell him in the nicest possible way that he must be special, because you have never been attracted to anyone who smokes, but that you really would prefer it if he gave up.
my sister did it to her boyfriend and he was a heavy smoker. he did it for her and was so grateful in the end - they have been married for 15 years now - smoke free.
stick to your principles !!
x

[saintjohnny]

This chap obviously makes you happy, and I think it is significant that he threw away the cigs when he knew you didn't approve. It very much depends on your viewpoint. On the one hand, there is nothing you can do if he smokes when away from you, and rightly so. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and he's not doing anything illegal. on the other hand, you have good, sensible reasons for being bothered by his smoking. The best way to approach this is to tell him how you feel, but do NOT demand that he quits smoking. This will make you come across as domineering and bossy. You can say that you would prefer him not to smoke around you, and also that you find the smell of tobacco a big turn off. You may well find that in order to keep you happy, he ends up quitting of his own accord. But really, if smoking is the only thing you can find wrong with him, then you're a lucky girl!

[jno]

he gets drunk too? This isn't always an attractive characteristic in husbands either; if you're prepared to overlook it, at least try to see him when he's drunk and make sure he doesn't get like Mel Gibson.

[lady_p_gold]

I have got exactly the same problem .... but in the end I just thought of all the good things about him and decided that in the grand scheme of things I was prepared to accept it as part of him and hope that he will give up ....

[bednobs]

i know this dosent help you, but my husband gave up smoking about 6 weeks before i met him and im so glad, because if he was a smoker i probably wouldn't have seen him more than once, as it's so revolting. I think the best thing you can do is tell him what you've told us, hw you want to make a go of it but the smoking bothers you and see what he does... it might be that he'll give up straight away, and you dont have to worry ... if however he says no, you'll have a hard decision to make

[atolhurst]

So you asked him and he threw the pack away. Maybe the packs in the car were old (from before your hol)?

If it still niggles, perhaps bring it up in conversation in passing when you're both sober and tell him you don't like it(although without trying to sound dismissive, I wouldn't bring up your grandad (unless he askes why) if I were you as that will be a big turn off to him - everyone is aware of the risks of smoking and what he chooses to do is his call). He'll either stop or he won't.

But if he won't then you have to walk away if it means so much to you or accept it. Not keep hounding him and hoping he'll change because that's not fair.

[Loosehead]

If he cares he'll stop for you. You just have to find a way of telling him without it sounding like an ultimatum. I do sympathise, there's no way I could go out with a smoker, disgusting habit!