When do you stop giving 2nd chances?

[Headless Rat]

What do you do when you get really fed up of someone (with good reason) and decide to cut them out of your life because it seems like they will just keep treating you with the same disrespect ?EVEN THOUGH you may get on with them a lot of the time and you've known them for a long long time?When do you decide enough is enough?When do second chances become last chances?and do you ever go back on your decisions?

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i suppose it depends on the individual person and how much they can take, or how much that other person means to them, but i never go back on my decisions. Which is sometimes a bad thing :(

[filthiestfis]

whats bothering you Rat? Let it all out....personally I dont have a great deal of patience for so called friends that let me down. It happens with a lot of people, but I dont dish that disrespect out so I expect equal treatment. Its very very hard to find loyal, respecting friends nowadays.

[4getmenot]

I had a mate that got on heroine and I gave her so many chances, I would take her in and then she would go missing for a bit then I would get a letter usually starting with I�m sorry I messed up again. I have a pile of them. Until one day even her mum had given up on her that I said I had to do the same or she was never going to realise she had to do it for herself and everytime she did she wanted me to praise her until I wanted to scream why should I praise you for something you shouldn�t have done in the first place. I know now that she has been clean for some years and she tried getting in contact but I have moved on from that friendship and although I know it was the rugs but she lied and hurt me a lot, and she cant go on thinking that just because she changes everything will be good, I�m hoping she learnt her lesson and will know that doing it again may lose her the friends she has now.

[Headless Rat]

Yea Filthiestfis, it really is hard to find a true friend. I've lots and lots of "friends" who I love going out with, meeting up with etc, but it seems that when they treat you like crap and you confront them about it, they go off on one at you.I try to be as up front as possible with people so when they annoy me, I tell them..but I tell them in a way that shows that I haven't been holding it against them and dthat I'm over it. Recently I think one of my "friends" has not been a partricularly good friend....but I know if I ever were to tell her this, she'd get really mad at me and turn it all around on me!

[4getmenot]

she doesnt sound like a good friend to have at all. I know that I have Loads of friends but there are a select few that I would trust with my deepest darkest secrets and that would never judge me on anything I did and would always be there for me, these are the ones I can call my best friends.

[Headless Rat]

I suppose a possible solution would be to just confide in a few but try to get along with the rest of them. Then someone outside your select circle of true friends can't really hurt you that much because you haven't trusted them with a lot of knowledge about yourself anyway and so are of less consequence to you.Is that not quite a cold attitude to have though?

[Kozmic Blues]

Personally I give too many chances, which is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing.

I will give family & best friends more chances than I would give anyone else. It is up to how much you can put up with things. Until there is a breaking point.

If it is physical abuse or verbal abuse, I would not give them more than two chances, I would get help and support.

[filthiestfis]

Rat I agree with you. I had a so called friend who would badmouth me behind my back and then be all chummy with me. When I left work he along with all the others stopped contacting me. Out of sight, out of mind it seems. Your true friends stick by you regardless of the circumstances, theyre arent just people that you hang out with for a while. Therefore, true friends I can count with one hand.
When you confront that friend about them treating you badly, they turn it around and say that you are being paranoid and that they need their space etc...lets face it, people are becoming more and more selfish and making all sorts of excuses, but the things is that you have to ask yourself if you cease contact with them, will you end up without "friends" at all?

[4getmenot]

isnt it a more cold attitude to have when you badmouth your mate behind their back? They should be able to listen to you and what is upsetting you. Put your foot down!

[PinkFizz]

I knew a woman for 3 years and we were very close.Then she got involved in chatrooms and I didnt exist.I lent her money when she said she couldnt feed herself - only to find she had lent it to one of these guys.I lent her money again at xmas and again it went on men. Countless times she never turned up when promised,she changed beyond belief.One day I couldnt bottle it up anymore and told her what I thought of her.She reluctantly agreed,and said she would change,and promised to visit my son on his birthday.An hout before she was due round,and he was dead excited as he loved her,she txt me to say " you wont believe this but...." and the most pathetic excuse ever.I txt her back and said to just leave me alone,and have never spoken to her since.

[raysparx1]

If it is a true friend, they never do the dirty on you,and you should be able to tell a good friend the truth, but as I say a True friend would never deliberately hurt you, and if they had and you told them,they would be sorry. I don't think the ones you are talking about are real friends.

[Headless Rat]

Basically I just always feel, "well I'm not perfect, so im in some way obliged to always forgive people no matter what they do"...y'know? I probably have hurt people too.....I don't do it intentionally and I try to be self- aware. The thing is, if I always feel obliged to forgive EVERYthing, it can be awfully hard to cut someone out completely because then I end up feeling like it was is somehow MY fault that the friendship ended ie due to my lack of ability to forgive.....lines can be very hard to draw!

[Kozmic Blues]

I have a friend like that. We are not on great speaking terms at the moment. If I was to tell her how I feel about our friendship at the moment, she would do the same thing, turn everything around and blame it all on me.

It is hard not knowing what to do in a situation like this.
I need to tell my friend how I am feeling, or this thing will just keep going on & on.

She has not been very friendly of late so If we go seprate ways I will not have lost everything, I would like us to stay friends but whatever way it goes is for the best.

Hope you sort things out!

[Kozmic Blues]

I have a friend like that. We are not on great speaking terms at the moment. If I was to tell her how I feel about our friendship at the moment, she would do the same thing, turn everything around and blame it all on me.

It is hard not knowing what to do in a situation like this.
I need to tell my friend how I am feeling, or this thing will just keep going on & on.

She has not been very friendly of late so If we go separate ways I will not have lost everything, I would like us to stay friends but whatever way it goes is for the best.

Hope you sort things out!

[andy-hughes]

The pendulum only swings so far. When you have a long calm objective look at your relationship, and decide that it is causing you more grief than pleasure, and your friend is not going to change because of the pain caused to you, then it is time to cut loose. Have a good think Make a decision. Stick to it.

Personally, when I'm gone I'm gone - Scorpio to the bone - and I never ever go back.

[filthiestfis]

What I hate is a friend not keeping to their promises, just chatting $h!t all the time, like we are going to do this and that and then never happening. Many a time Ive been told that we are going out on friday night and then he makes an excuse and doesnt even tell me unless I call him to find out! Anyway that friend has been history for months now. I just absolutely detest lies, and being let down. You dont tell a friend that you are meeting them and then persistently cancel for no good reason. Its BS. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say.

[Kozmic Blues]

Totally agree with you filthiestfis!!

My friend just let me down today. She invited me over to her house. I said OK that I would call around 6/7. I have been trying for the past hour to get in contact with her to find out more about tonight. She wont return my calls or text. I hate it when the give you the cold shoulder, I feel like I have committed a crime and I am on trial :(. She promised me last week I could stay and changed her mind, now she doesnt even have the courtesy to call and give an explanation.

[filthiestfis]

Outrageous. Some friend you got there. My sympathies are with you.

[jump79]

When you look back at your friendship rationally and see what you are getting out of it.

If your friend is taking you for granted, and you have given them countless chances, its time to realize life is too short to waste your time on such selfish, self-obsessed people and either distance yourself from them or cut them off completely-depending on how well you know them- although one eventually leads to the other anyway.

If they finally get the message after this, and are ready to change then I would keep them as friends, but if they just act puzzled and have no clue about their behavior, then its time to say goodbye. I don't tend to go back on my decisions either.

[WendyS]

I think the fact that you have posed the question suggests that you have already reached the point where you have probably decided that "enough is enough". So perhaps it's now time to stop procrastinating and slowly cut the umbilical chord. No need to do it dramatically but just find other friends, get involved in different activities that do not involved the person concerned and be "too busy" to meet up. Just let things slowly wither on the vine. That way you can still be friendly if your paths cross and you avoid the embarrassment of an argument but you stop letting yourself be taken advantage of. The world is full of interesting new people who may yet become your friends so don't concentrate any more effort of this so-called friend who is causing you angst.