boyfriend best friends with female. okay?

[shady_jady]

Hi all,

So some of you may have read my post a while back, about my boyfriend going to stay with his female best friend (who happens to hate me through no fault of my own... it is pure jealousy of our relationship). You can find the full story here if you're interested

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion462777.html

Well, after a brief break-up and an ultimatum he agreed to cease contact with this girl. Now all was quiet on the Western front for 2 weeks or so, then she reared her ugly head again. He claims that he doesn't answer her calls or reply to her texts, however having looked at his recent messages list, her name was at the top! Also she wouldn't continue to text and ring if he didn't reply, unless she wasn't all there up top and didn't get the message. Basically I can't understand why he would want to be friends with someone who contiually slags me off, when I have met her for around 20mins, and made the effort only to have it thrown back at me. Therefore I have never done anything wrong. He even had to ask her to stop being nasty about me. To top it all, she's not even nice to him! She uses him and talks to him like crap. Anyway... do I have the right to be furious that he is continuing this friendship? It just seems to be that he is constantly choosing this pointless friendship (they see each other 6 or 7 times a year as she's at Uni) over me, who has been there for him continuously over the past 2 years.

Thanks guys, just wanted another perspective.

[4GS]

Looks like he's going against your wishes by maintaining contact with her, I mean how must know how much it upsets you.
All I know is that if my wife was in your situation she would have dropped me like a hot potato, and I had quite a few lady friends, there was only one who she was uncomfortable with and when she found out she, (the friend) went of her way to be friendly with her, and gave us some space when we were all out.
Here's what I said in your original question, 4GS
Tue 02/10/07
09:29 Personally I think he's loving the fact that two women are vying for his attention, I can tell you what an ego boost that is.
He's using you and is uber disrespectful of your feelings, he obviously doesn't care as much for you as he does this ahem friend, it all sounds very dodgy to me. If I were in your situation I would dump the cheating two timing rat and let him live with his new girlfriend
and I still think that!!

[shady_jady]

Thanks 4GS. It was going so well for the first couple of weeks! I don't think anything would ever go on between the two of them, as he insists she is like a sister. However, he knows that I really detest this friendship and can't understand why he continues with it. He says she doesn't even mention me anymore, but that's not entirely the point. The point is she didn't give me a chance and is just a general cow. I just wanted to know whether I had the right to be furious.

Thanks!

[4GS]

PS
Dont tell him you looked in his message list,
Ask him if he's heard from her recently and watch his reaction. Mrs4Gs can suss me out in a second if she thinks I'm up to no good

[boro1986]

bunnyboiler

[cazzz1975]

surely if she wanted to get with him she would have by now? if he has kept her as a friend maybe thats all she is??
If you forbid someone to talk to a friend , most of the time they will only do it behind your back, so he is doing what is expected, its difficult to just tell someone you have known for a while that you dont want to talk or hear from them ever again because your partner feels insecure.

If he is a cheating type then he will cheat regardless, my advice is to not talk about her, not get upset about her and start trusting him. give him the benefit of the doubt for now at least

[weeal]

I understand its because she is hostile towards you, if she had been friendly you wouldnt feel as insecure.

I would feel the same, and he is not being fair in this respect.

Good luck

[China Doll]

Short of accidently offering to have a threesom with William and Octavius I maintain the opinion I have already given.

[smrcubby]

Can't you try playing him at his own game?? Is there a male friend of yours you could say your meeting up with or something.. see how he reacts.

Pot, kettle and black might spring to mind and he might then understand a bit more how you feel.

Worth a try

[SKA]

If she treats him like s*** and he still talks to her even though he knows you have a problem with it - he's an idiot!!

[shady_jady]

Weeal is exactly spot on! I'm no bunny boiler, thanks very much boro. And I would never dream of forbidding him from seeing his friends. It's the hostility towards me that bothers me. He admits she's jealous, whether she wants him for herself, or is just generally jealous of our relationship i don't know. She's not a nice person to either of us. It would be easier, and nicer if we all got on, and I've made the effort to make ammends (even though I was never the one with the problem)! But have had it thrown back at me more than once. In my books, she's blown her chances of a friendship. I can't understand that if he loves me he's happy to sit and listen to someone slag me off.

Thanks for your help though guys, just wanted to make the point that I'm not a bunny boiler. I can't stand those!

[HJT40]

This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes it needs to be said.

I have an ex, who was friends with a woman from work, it was obvious from the word go how she felt about me and why. She offered to place tennis with him and seemed to have so much in common with him and she also hated me! He swore that he didn't feel anything and that he would never see someone from work. But he did and they moved in together and had a baby, just at the time he realised he had made a huge mistake.

I am sorry, but if he is hiding something and he is letting her slag you off, I would call it a day with him. They would be welcome to each other and perhaps then he would realise that he had made a mistake, but please don't go back to him. If he is like this now how could you trust him again? You obviously don't trust him now to be checking his phone.

You must have respect for yourself. He obviously lacks in that department.

Be happy on your own for a while than miserable with the wrong person.

Good luck

[shady_jady]

Thanks HJT. I really don't think anything sexual or untoward is going on between the two of them. It just bothers me that they're friends, cos she's such a cow. I think the root of the problem is that he's scared of her. She can be a real nasty bee-hatch when she wants to, and I think he goes along with it for a quiet life. Which irritates me cos it should be me he's trying to please. Once again it goes back to what weeal says. I would have been happy for all 3 of us to have been friends, it would be much easier believe me! But as I said, I extended the olive branch once before and she completely threw it back. The other half says that before I came along, they were always together and were the best of friends. He claims she hates me because I have 'stolen' him from her. All very immature! I don't really know where to go from here. Do I just forget she exists, never mention her and let him get on with it? I just hate that he's friends with her, even though he knows how much it upsets me. Grr, now I'm just repeating myself!

[HJT40]

if you do ignore the fact that she exists will that stop you wondering or checking his phone?

This girl is obviously out for a fight! But just how long can you go on with it?