In Laws...why are they so nasty???!!!!

[ilsonchick]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2 years now. He lives with me at my mums for the time being before we move abroad. Trouble is i HATE his family! Weve never got on and they started it all when his dad called me fat one day but i was told it was a joke and "take it on the chin" which i couldnt because i had put a few pounds on and wasnt feeling happy about it. Then his step sister called me a control freak (which i am not! and my boyfriend agrees im not) and at a family do last christmas she threatened to punch me, telling me her and her family love my boyfriend more than i will ever do! I havent been round for months now but my partner says when he goes to visit they always ask about me? Ive never had an apology and when ever its brought up with my bf he says i should just be nice to them and get on with them (he thinks their total saints and never stuck up for me when all this s**t cracked off)
Its these times of the year i dread....xmas....knowing youve got to go round their place as your bf will want to....i need advice!! xx

[Ice.Maiden]

I'd go anyway hun, to show that you can turn the other cheek - but set a definite time for leaving!

[terambulan]

It's thoughtless of the IL to tear the bf like this as their remarks about you hurt him too, (they're too ignorant to see that)!

You are the one your bf has chosen to be with, he appreciates the kind of love you show him. The IL are jealous that he loves you and wants to be with YOU!

[elginred]

I have had problems with my ILs for the past 11 years. To the point where my MIL tried to set my BF up with someone else to get him to dump me!! And the lies she told were horrendous!

He could see it was hurting me, but tried to ignore it in the hope it would all go away. Well, it didn't, but I persevered and this year I gave her enough rope to hang herself! After our son was born, she stopped talking to us because we stopped dancing to her tune, and after about 3 months of nasty emails she told him a whopping lie about her health, so that they could start talking without her apologising for her behaviour!

So, the upshot is, we started talking to her again, and when her lies were found out we confronted her. Now my man stands by me. and we visit because of our son. However, things are much better between us all now!!

My advice to you would be, rise above it. Don't give your BF the opportunity to lay blame at your door, and eventually they will go too far, and your BF might start seeing things for how they really are from your perspective. Keep going round, smile, and do your utmost to be perfectly pleasant!!

Good luck!! Hope it gets better for you!!

ERx

[lil75]

Your poor fella, they dont sound like a very nice bunch, and they are the control freaks not you!!! I wouldnt go round there at christmas, why should you have to go somewhere where you feel uncomfortable, I can understand your fella will want you to go, but sometimes we have to think of ourselves. Just explain why you dont want to go as you dont want to be subjected to insults and possibly threats but that you are happy for him to go....that way you are being reasonable, but keeping out of it...Im sure your man knows its them and not you, but it will be hard for him to admit it, as they are still his family...best of luck x

[spudqueen]

Okay, so maybe they haven't been very nice to you in the past, but why not visit occasionally? If not this could turn into a real feud, which, if you and your boyfriend stay together and get married and have children could turn really awkward. Be the bigger person here and visit at Christmas, and a couple of other times a year. Learn to count to ten if anything is said, don't retaliate but be pleasant to them. And never get into an argument with your boyfriend over them, blood is thicker than water, and you don't want him to start thinking of you as some nasty person who is trying to turn him against his family.

[Velvetee]

Oooh they sound a bit rough, like the Gallaghers in Shameless. Why would the step sister want to punch you? Her statement about the family loving him more than you ever will, perhaps she was just referring to herself?? She sounds jealous.

I would say, the sooner you get away from this motley crew, the better. I don't know why you would even contemplate visiting them at Christmas, unless you want more insults and threats.

[DaisyMae]

The remark about you being fat was bad mannered and needlessly cruel, but to follow it with 'it was just a joke, take it on the chin' rather suggests to me that he knew he was wrong and was trying to make light of it. Families are an odd mixture of people who have lots of fights and arguments amongst themselves but should the need arise they will face down a foe united in ferocious vigour and the strength they give each other in the face of adversity is immeasurable. Just remember that they see you at the moment as an intruder into their lives, treat them with great courtesy and try to find something to like about each of them. Given time, you will become one of them and life will be easier for you.

[ilsonchick]

Thank you all for your responces, its really helped to hear that im not alone but im upset for others who have to go through this. I wasnt able to type all what has happened as i didnt want to go on and on but basically this is more of the story as it goes deeper that ive put:

Basically i was lovely to them in the beginning in fact ive never said a cross word to their faces ever. His dad started it with the whole "god your fat you weigh more than me" and it went on from there, i never retaliated. He would butt in if we ever argued saying i was a bitch to my BF when it was just a little arguement about our personal business. His sister threatened me because she is JEALOUS, its not his real sister and i think she fancies him because she always used to come and jump on the bed peed up in the middle of the night when we were both naked and asleep. Shes 22. And one time she was having a party downstairs at his parents when i slept over and my BF went down and told her to shut it up as it was keeping us awake and she took it the next day wrongly as she thought id sent him down to tell her and thats when she started getting sh**ty with me. Her best mate whose a nasty piece of work and guess what a family friend broke into my house last xmas eve saying she was going to kill me whilst i was preparing the xmas dinner and my boyfriend was at the pub. Police ended up round our house for 4 hours, all because of his family from the beginning making these comments.

[ilsonchick]

I have tried to be the bigger person and ive even been round without my boyfriend in Feb 08 and they were still the same...telling me how my BF should be living his life (hes 26) going out with his mates etc.. not making a life with me....so its like ive tried and tried and ive given up on them now. Last xmas was so painful to go over and i didnt barely speak the whole time so now this year im dreading a whole re-enactment of last years violence as i know his step sister and her "family friend" will be going round....but at the same time i dont want anyone slagging me off behind my back or to my BF if i dont go because i am not a shallow ignorant individual...just deeply scarred and upset from all the years of hurt...

Even my own family dont like them for obvious reasons...my dad once said when we get married he will not want my BF's dad there because of the whole name calling to his "little girl" and he was the one who was with me when the police came round after the incident on xmas eve so he knows their bad news...

I know blood is thicker than water but my BF wants me, lives with me and loves me and iam his FAMILY too. its not like were kids with a crush... I feel really bad for my BF because he wants me to go over but i try and put it nicely that i dont want to go and why and then he gets upset and angry and cant see where im coming from saying the whole "take it with a pinch of salt" Hes torn and its not my fault but its made to feel my fault when i did nothing to ever start all this...

[ilsonchick]

It sounds like Shameless but they arent like that. He has quite a posh family, good jobs, big house not common council estate scumbags on the dole and my BF is nothing like them hes never nasty to anyone so i dont know where they get it from. thats what confuses me...its the whole "your not taking my son away from me cr*p" still trying to dictate his life. We will never split up so why dont they just accept us!?

[DaisyMae]

Mmm! That does paint a whole different picture and I really don't know what to suggest you do. You say you are going abroad to live, in that case the time is limited and maybe it would be best to just grit your teeth and don't show them how affected you are by their spite. Whatever you decide, do try to make Christmas a special and happy time for you both - easy for me to say, but very difficult for you to do I know. Good luck.

[Velvetee]

I'm sorry Ilsonchick, but his family sound very, very bizarre, it's only left for them to appear on The jeremy Kyle show. I think when you both move abroad and are as far away as possible, it will be for the best.

The step sister jumping in bed with you is shocking, as is the family friend who broke into your house. I've never heard anything quite like it. All sounds very scary.

I'm sorry to say this too, but if my partner's mother even looked at me in the wrong way, he wouldn't tolerate it. I find it deeply disturbing, that your boyfriend has allowed all these things to occur and seems to basically be ignoring it. He needs to decide where his priorities lie or you will never have any happiness or peace together. Considering all the things these people have done, he shouldn't even want you to spend any time with them.

[ilsonchick]

DaisyMae thank you for your support. I want it to be a happy time at christmas but knowing last year was the worse xmas of my entire life has killed me inside so now xmas cheer is replaced with apprehension of what will occure this year to ruining my life...

[ilsonchick]

Velvetee your absolutely right. My BF doesnt stick up for me infact the night his sister threatened to punch me i went home crying and slept on my dads sofa and what did he do? went and comfated his family! He seems to think im in the wrong and ive made this bed for myself not his parents but isnt that the whole "because its his belovid family and in his eyes they do nothing wrong"? hes so loving towards me but when it comes to his family and all this senario he never sticks up for me just keeps his head down, which some people might think is good for him to keep out but i dont, he should tell them its wrong and that they shouldnt treat me like this. I do know now that for the past week hes told me he doesnt want to go to his parents which is odd for him as he normally goes down twice a week...i hate putting him through this but what can i do?

[DaisyMae]

Basically he has to stick up for you, you represent the future for him whereas his family represent the past. It would be wrong to ask him to choose between you, but I really do think it is time for some serious talking. You have to tell him that you are not prepared to put up with any more of their spite towards you, he can go as often as he wants but that he should not expect you to accompany him any longer.

Without actually asking him to choose between you, it is important that he sees that he must actually do that, and that it is all about growing up and making his own way in the world and living his own life. He will find it hard and he doesn't actually have to lose touch with his family but he must put your needs first. I hope it all turns out well for you.

[Le Chat]

Your boyfriend needs to get a backbone! From your posting, I am disgusted with the treatment you have received and am amazed at your boyfriend's lack of action. You should really consider whether he actually is in love with you, if he is happy to see you suffer. I don't like saying that but you must have thought it yourself, in your heart.
If he is so unsupportive in the face of all this, it doesn't bode well for the future and the other challenges that life will bring.
Don't put yourself throught it...don't visit his family. Why would you want to? I certainly would not knowingly place myself in a situation which was potentially hostile towards me, so why walk straight into it? You have no support from your lilly-livered bloke, so you have to look after yourself. Stay away and be proud that you did. You are looking after you. They couldn't think any less of you anyway, so don't go there.
Good luck to you, you sound like a good person but please start putting yourself first over all this.

[ilsonchick]

Le Chat i agree with you, why should i go round and be the subject to more possible abuse that will wreck another xmas for me!?!

Yes, i have thought of it many a days now, if my bf truely loves me as he never sticks up for me. The "family friend" incident was the worse because he still carried on chatting to her like nothing had happened and obviously i was in shock after what she did and he still talks to his Step Sister too which is NOT his real sister by blood after all the threats shes dealt out to me! When i protest he shouldnt be speaking to these people he just gets mad with me and says he will speak to them as he pleases as the "past is the past"

Grrr this is such a mess and i know that, i dont want to face it but i have a feeling that if i dont go round this xmas my bf is going to be mega peed off and upset about it and i dont want to hurt him i just want a peaceful life!

[natalie_1982]

ilsonchick, I have a very similar problem with my in laws. They have barefaced lied to my bofriend about me, in the beginning he would stick up for them - it's natural, but slowly he began to realise that his sister was really becoming a big problem in our life. She, too, very weirdly, would make a point of sitting on his lap with her back to me when I was sat next to him on the sofa as a way to kind of mark her territory. One day she did it in a pub and when we got home I broke down as my bf couldn't see what was wrong - I told him if any random person walked in the pub at that moment and you asked them who his girlfriend was, that person would say the girl sat on his lap - not the girl being blocked out by the group. He said he felt sick I could think like that, but that is what it was like. I have had threats from his family, I have risen to them, I have screamed and sworn back, but now I have turned the other cheek. Six years later myself and my now husband have a 7month old daughter and a gorgeous house - he now sees me and our daugter as his family and I think it has sunk it that all his family (mainly his sis, dad and mum) do is try and ruin things and special events. His sister still hates me - it was my birthday last week and she couldn't even send me a text despite the fact that on her Birthday in Sept I tried to be the bigger person and went round with a card from me and him, and an aunty card from my baby plus a bottle of wine. The way I see it now is it's her loss. I will never push her out of my life but while she spreads so much venom I will never welcome her with open arms, I am happy to keep her at arm's length and be civil to her, even if she can't do the same to me.

[natalie_1982]

My mother in law has seen her granddaugher (my baby) three times in 7months because she is too lazy to visit and when we arrange to visit her (she lives 30miles away) she makes excuses that she is . I honestly could go on forever about the freaks that he is born into. At the end of the day, it is easier said that done, but kep turning the other cheek - be civil, be polite, don't bite and don't rise to their ridiculous behaviour because you will only be lowering yourself to their level. It is about time your boyfriend took a stand and realised that if he wants to keep you then he needs to at the very least ask his family to badmouthing you when you are sat there! If you smile when they are rude, and you get the visit done and out of the way then you can only come out on top - trust me it does get better, but you HAVE to have the support of your boyfriend xx