Effected by Eastenders Whitney/Tony..waht should i have done

[bantingm]

I am an avid Eastenders watcher, and last night the truth came out about Tony & Whitney...
I felt sick watching, as I have been in the same position; however the person waited until was 16 before making his move.
I was 14 when the "grooming" (or however you want to put it ) started, he was 49. He was a family friend and also someone who I spent alot of time with as he was teaching me my hobby (as he already had his qualifications.)
He was married with 2 grown up children. One day in a moment of madness, at 14 I declared I had a crush on him, from then on I received texts from him daily, and saw him most of the time, we didn't sleep together, until the day of my last school exam, we had sex. From then on, we had an 18 month secret relationship, in which I felt very trapped as he was also sleeping with another family friend, she was his age...he used to play us off against each other, and manipulate me into thinking I was mad for thinking he was with her, when I could actually prove he was...
Luckily I admitted to my family what was going on, and the affair ended. I despise him for being able to walk around as if he did nothing wrong. He told his wife it was only a two week thing, not two years and everyone believed him. He is a majorely involved within our community, as part of the chamber of commerce and everyone still likes him, I cant help feeling, after watching eastenders last night, that I should have done more. But he didn't actually have sex with me until I was 16, did he do anything wrong? I have now moved away to get away from him, but wish he was paying for stealing my childhood, rather then prancing around like nothing happened.
I still feel really broken, and hate myself for hurting everyone around me so badly with all the lies.

What should I have done after it was out in the open, did he actually commit a crime?

Thanks

[beckyboo1976]

That's a really sad story and it must be a really tough thing to deal with. I'm not sure how the law stands and only have the likes of Eastenders and Hollyoaks to inform me(!), but he couldn't be done for rape like Tony will be as you were 16 and consented. A lot depends on what happened leading up to that in the form of grooming really. xxx

[bantingm]

Thanks for your response beckyboo, it has been really hard to deal with, mainly i feel terrible for hurting my parents, but i have such trust issues now too, i am in a steady relationship, living with my boyfriend, i moved 40 miles from home, started a new job, made new friends and apadted to a new life, but i just wish i could scrub out those years and go back to being young and not growing up as quickly as i had to. i wish he was paying for hurting the people that loved him, but they all jsut forgave him and let him straight back into their lives.

xxx

[CAJ1]

I agree with beckyboo, it will depend on what the grooming involved as to wether he did anything wrong.

I had a far from perfect childhood bantingm and it is only now after 9 years and the love and understanding of my boyfriend that I have really moved on. It will take time, your hurt will turn into anger and eventually you will probably accept what happened. This takes time though and won't happen overnight. Maybe you should see a counsellor to try and talk it through and find some peace within yourself. It's not your fault, he did wrong at a time when you were easily influenced and I hope you're family don't hold this against you when you need support. You weren't to know what to do then and its only as you get older that you realise. Try to focus on the future and what that holds now x

[bantingm]

Thanks CAJ1, this was almost three years ago now, and i was having counselling for some time. it did help but i just was so cross with myself.
i shake and feel really sick whenever i see him (which isnt very often now i have moved).
The grooming was pretty intense, naked photos, touching me under dinner tables whilst eating with his wife & my parents, dirty texts etc...
my boyfriend understands that i never want to talk about it with him, and has just let us be together without my past being in our way, just want to see justice, but dont think i ever will...i sometimes wish i might hear that he is terminally ill...that makes me feel so wrong, and i know it sounds so terrible, and i wouldnt really wish that open anyone, im jsut so cross and i cant help wanting him gone for good...

xxx

[redcrx]

have you considered talking to the police?

[bantingm]

i have but thats what im asking here first...did he do anything wrong? i was consenting as the others have said...

[redcrx]

i was under the impressions that grooming was a crime in itself and that it doesnt matter if you were 16 when he then had intercourse with you

[redcrx]

may i suggest that you put a very brief question about the legal aspect over on the law section

[bantingm]

Thanks redcrx, i shall give it a go and see waht response i get.

[Meg888]

I don't think you could do any harm by calling into your local police station and asking to speak to an officer. I'm sure once they heard what happened to you they would be able to give you a better picture of whether a crime has been committed or not.

Whatever happens, I hope you can move on and find happiness in your life. x

[bantingm]

thanks Meg888 (thats my 1st anme too!!)

everyone has been really helpful with their answers, i was worried about posting this question on here as i was about the replies i may get...been stewing about it all day...

i think i may also have a chat to my mum and dad and see how they feel, i know my mum would be happy for him to get what he deserves, but my dad is so laid back i think he jsut wants to forget about it and move on...

xxx

[sam100]

I think one of the previous post recommendations of having a chat with someone at your local police station is really wise. To me the taking photos etc sounds wrong. I totally appreciate that it must be really tough for you to talk about it...or even think about it.

I think its wise getting some advice on it. You say you regret what happened during your childhood- and unfortunately you cant get back that time but what about some other young person out there who he may prey on? If he did it once you can pretty much say he will do it again.

It really does help to talk to people about it- Have you ever thought about discussing it properly with your boyfriend and friends?

It doesnt sound like you have managed to distance yourself from that time and that its still quite raw- maybe worth having a chat to a counsellor again...which is not a bad thing at all. You cant ever move on with the future unless you can burry the past.

Best of luck.x

[beckyboo1976]

Good suggestion by redcrx to post something on the law section, although feel the thread has been sabotaged by a few idiots - hope you got some useful advice in there somewhere though! xx

[bantingm]

Everyone has been so helpful on this post, i feel alot stronger about doing the right thing now...

i cant believe the response of some on the LAW post, i know i should have expalined my question better, but i didnt reliase so many people were so sinical and negative, and unhelpful...

thanks again everyone xxxxx

[Velvetee]

Although what happend to you cannot be classified as Statutory Rape, as he was cunning enough to wait a couple of years until you were at the legal age, you possibly do feel used and violated, as though you have been raped?

Perhaps your first port of call could be to call the Rape Crisis hotline and perhaps they can direct you towards counselling, which will help you to come to terms with what happened.

You might also feel better if you were able to tell your family or a close friend the whole truth, as perhaps you feel to blame for what happened.

[Ripcord]

Bantingm, I know it's been a couple of weeks since you posted your letter but I hope you come back and read this from me. Looking at what you have said already, this man groomed you over a period of time in order to achieve what he ultimately did. What he did amounts to assault. Do you have any corroborative evidence? any of the photo's he took? they are not vital but are evidence. You need people around you who can support you through this and it sounds like your boyfriend is a great comfort but what you need is closure, you need to do what is best for you and it seems like justice for his crimes against you will go a long way for this. Go to the police station and ask to speak with someone from the Family Protection Unit, they will take a statement and put you in touch with a good support network. You will have to go through the facts with them from beginning to end but they are specially trained and will help you. Also tell them about the counselling you have attended.
You have NOT hurt anyone around you, he has, do not think that you were in any way to blame for this, you are the victim. This man set out to abuse you and did so in the most dispicable way, by taking advantage of you and assaulting you amongst your family and home. He does need to be brought to justice for this, not only for closure for you, to help you reach some resolution about what has happened, but also to help prevent him moving onto his next victim. If you look at the Eastenders storyline, Tony was ready to move onto Lauren. I wish you the very best through this journey, you have taken the first step by beginning to talk about it, I will keep my eye out for any further responses from you xx