Any ideas what I should do? im a bit lost!

[Finance Guy]

If anybody asked me a month ago how my Marriage was, I would say it was solid but could do with a bit of a break from stress. I work too much, trying to overcome some big financial issues that arose after our business collapsed a few months after the onset of the credit crunch, three years ago. I am not a violent man or a cheater, but do openly admit that the stress of it all got to me and became all consuming, leading me to be snappy sometimes and perhaps not as relaxed or nice as I used to be. My wife has always been the rock behind my work, without her constant encouragement and support, there is no way I could have got through it without collapsing into a nervous heap somewhere and praying for it all to end.

Four weeks ago, my wife started two weeks of Jury duty. She was enthusiastic about it as she is a full time Mum and this was a great break for her. For the first few days, all was good and we spoke a lot about it, by phone during the day and together in the evening, she seemed happy. We had a nice weekend, just relaxing and doing the usual sort of stuff, then, without warning, in the second week she became quite quiet and started to get withdrawn. She went to see her best friend for the weekend (pre arranged) and ignored me calls and texts all weekend. When she got back, she told me she was unsure about our relationship and was not happy. She said she wanted a couple of weeks to get back to normal and I suggested (trying to be caring) that maybe a few days apart might help and clear her head a bit. She agreed to this, but then over the next few days packed ALL of her belongings while I was at work and moved out, taking our 3 yr old son with her! For the last couple of days before she went, the mood in the house sank and I was being told how crap I was and that I was not a good person, etc, etc.

continued in thread below...

[Finance Guy]

She went last weekend and has barely spoken to me since. She has emailed me telling me that she does not think she loves me any more and that a big weight has been lifted from her shoulders. She has got herself a job in a pub 70 miles away, has changed her address with the bank, etc, and she is living with her parents. She has told me that she wants a 4-6 month seperation and does not think if she is coming back!

about 5 weeks ago, she asked me if I would renew our vows, I said yes of course and we both seemed happy. She had often compared me to her friends partners and was glad to be with me compared to them. All this leaves me really, really confused and I have no idea how I now find myself in this situation. I'm heartbroken.

So much change in such a short space of time. No rows, no cross words, nothing, she just went.

I know nobody else can give me answers, but anybody experienced anything similar or know somebody who has, or anybody can help me understand her mindset?

Grateful for anything. Thanks

[sara3]

it sounds like she has spent a few years of being on the receiving end of your "not being nice". she's been stuck at home with a toddler, then got to mix with other adults on her jury service.. did a bit of comparison, and decided she wanted more.

she wants to be happy. can you give her that? perhaps you need to explain and apologise to her for your behaviour, and maybe suggest counselling. maybe she just needs a bit of space and will then realise she wants to come back.

either way, for now you have to make sure you see your child on a regular basis. try not to be angry when you see her, and hopefully you will find that something can be rebuilt.

[Finance Guy]

I cannot argue with that Sara. I have, of course apologised a lot for my shortcomings and have made immediate dramatic changes to prevent them happening again. In the space of a week, I have sold a few of our assets and scaled down my business. Debts (that were all being paid) are all cleared to reduce outgoings and the emails and crap that used to eat into our private time have all been diverted (permanantly) to a trusted member of my staff. I have never known my phone ring so little and my inbox be so lifeless, its great! I did too much and can see that now. I did not know I was neglecting her and would never have knowlingly done that. She did not say anything and I should have noticed... but I didnt.

Our son is a bit confused right now, but I speak to him everyday and he is here with me this weekend. Relations between me and Mrs FG are polite, but a bit distant right now. The anger seems to have gone, but the entire life change in such a short space of time, with no words spoken before the event, is why I am in such a state about it. I love her dearly and wish I had never got so immersed in work and allowed it to take such a potentially fatal toll on our relationship.

[sara3]

why don't you send her a good old fashioned letter? tell her what you've just said, that you regret what you've done and have made positive changes.

a letter will give her time to digest it and she'll re-read it in her own time, and hopefully appreciate the gesture.

I wish you luck x

[Finance Guy]

Already done at the end of last week. I guess just time will tell now.

Thanks for your time and thoughts, much appreciated

[boxtops]

FG, it sounds as if there has been dissatisfaction boiling for some time, and I know from my own experience that once you make a decision that something has to be done, you have to do it. Up to that point, your wife may not even have considered this was an option open to her - suddenly the way forward (even if not permanent) becomes clear, and for the sake of your own sanity and wellbeing, you have to follow it. If there is something to be salvaged in your relationship then you will both have to work at it - life can and does change, and if she felt like I did, then it was a huge relief to make that break and get some breathing space. I am glad that you can identify what had been going wrong - that is a good starting place. I wish you both all the best as you try to work it out.

[Finance Guy]

Thanks boxtops, what you say makes perfect sense.

I wish she had said something earlier, as I would rather have packed in the business, declared bankrupcy, got a nine-to-five job and focussed on her fully, rather than lose her like this. I should have noticed it I guess, my loss bigtime.

Bad times

[cazzz1975]

she may just need a break, no doubt she has been feeling the stress as well as looking after your son. it could be after a few weeks/months she may feel more ready to deal with the problems.

[cazzz1975]

donald, you dont play stupid mind games when there are kids involved.

[cazzz1975]

its not good advice to impart to someone involved in a grown up relationship..

[boxtops]

Donald, if I may say so, I think that's an insensitive comment to make just at the moment, FG wants his wife back, he still loves her. If my then husband had come at me with a crass statement like that after I'd left him, I would have told him she was welcome to him as he'd obviously totally misread the situation and couldn't care less about me. FG sounds full of regret and wants to make amends, not to get back at his wife for leaving for understandable reasons.

[Finance Guy]

Donald, you are a first class d*** head. Grow up

[sara3]

I agree.. if she thinks there's someone else she's hardly going to come grovelling back. she'll feel justified in leaving.

[carmalee]

not wishing to start a third world war - please don't play games by pretending you have a dolly bird lined up - this is too important for teenage tricks and there is a child involved. Take a deep breath, give her some space and just keep telling her the truth - that you love her, have been a idiot, am sorry and desperately what to be given a chance to show her. Good luck

[Eve]

I have to say that kind of comment would make me run a mile if I was his wife, I'd be thinking I'd definitely have made the right decision.

How about taking it slowly and gently, could you set some time aside to spend with each other, maybe when you see your son?

No stress of day to day life, just try to enjoy spending time together and hopefully remembering why you fell in love in the first place.

If nothing else it might lead to a better relationship for the sake of your son and who knows what might happen in the future.

[Finance Guy]

Thanks Carmalee and jenna, good comments.

I have suggested that, if time apart is the way it has to be, then perhaps we could 'date' again when she is ready. Just start again slowly and remember why it was we fell for each other in the first place. I left that thought with her in a letter I wrote her, time will tell I guess if that is something she will consider.

Thanks again

[boxtops]

Give her space FG, don't press it - at least you will stay in frequent contact because of your boy.