Feeling a bit lost really!

[daisyme]

Basically...I had a gap year last year where I worked in a school for a year and I really really enjoyed it - I met my current boyfriend there and after doing well at a-level applied for university. I got into a prestigious uni which I accepted and things just seemed to be going so, so great and I felt like everything was slotting together and I was having such a great time.
Then I had to go to this uni and it brought out all the problems I had in the past with the divorce of my parents 8 years ago (it was quite a messy one) and the deaths of both my grandads within 8 weeks of each other which I have found that I have not resolved in my mind. I found myself feeling really, really down. I would be huddled up on the floor of my room just crying my eyes out and on the phone to my boyfriend sounding like a total mad woman. I ended up going to the counselling service there and they suggested I should be booked in for more sessions with them. But I found it increasingly hard to cope with being in such a gloomy mood and having this work load from a subject I wasn't sure I wanted to be doing. I was well aware the fees are going up for uni next year but I just couldn't sort myself out from this state and continue. I therefore decided to drop out - and luckily the university have offered to reserve me a place for next year as they could see I am depressed or something when usually I am the most positive and cheery person you are ever likely to meet.
I'm sorry this is so long winded - but now I am back home after leaving the uni. I'm just finding it difficult as I don't have a backup plan, I am not a person who gives up easily so that is playing on my mind, and I can't shake the feeling of depression that is over me. I have not told my dad how awful and traumatic the experience was for me and that I am now looking to go to my GP for further counselling etc. I just feel quite embarrassed about it all and that I've let my family down - all my friends have gone to university and loved it and it just brought out all my problems and I just can't settle here with nothing to do. I am looking to apply for a christmas job and things and possibly some volunteering - it is just so hard as I have no direction now. I don't know if I want to be going back to this uni next year or if I even want to be at another uni with the fee rise - all these things just keep buzzing round in my head and I needed an outlet so here I am typing all this....sorry guys....I just needed to let it out as I can't talk to my dad (who I live with) and I have fallen out with my mum over the issues I brought up with here when I was at uni. I just feeling like I've made an awful mess for everyone and I just don't know how to resolve it all. Any advice or anything would be amazingly appreciated :-) sorry for such a long speech!!! XxX

[daffy654]

The only advice I can give is to get yourself to your GP and talk it all out with him/her. Stop worrying about what others think and do what is right for YOU.

[cazzz1975]

If it were me I would have some time out to have a break, then I would go back to uni in september.

you cannot let the past, no matter how bad it is ruin your future plans. part of the feeling of depression could be just getting used to a new challenge, Im sure you would have been fine after a period of time.

[Smowball]

There is no point in being somewhere if you are unhappy. You sound like a lovely person and have clearly had a rough time. Why can't you sit down and talk to your dad? I'm sure he would want to know just how down you are feeling x

[firewatch]

darling get to the drs, they are pretty good at helping with this sort of thing. I suffer with chronic bouts of depression due to a messy upbringing. I couldnt bear the thought of uni even though i was given chances as i knew what the pressure would do. take time out for yourself get a little job (advise agaisnt full time) and make sure you get yourslef out for fresh air, even out into the garden each day.Also write a goal list, one for two months time one for 5 one 7 one for nine etc, and make the last goal going back to uni and living your life and being what you know you can be. think positive and be positive.