My strong opinion on single parents and parents and kids in general

[sue11]

I have reached the ripe old age of 44 and decided a while ago that I did not want any children. My partner feels the same (thankfully )and we are both healthy and happy. Some people will consider this a selfish attitude, but my views are that when there are so many children out there who are born, only to be beaten and abused, perhaps people should turn their attention to these rather than us intentionally childless couples
.
And why oh why do some people think that they can have as many children as they want and the state will support them with limitless amounts of cash. I would like to see the state giving child support just to the first two kids and then parent(s) will have to support any further children they decide to have on their own. If you feel that you can afford to have more, then pay for them yourself!!
I know that some people would feel that it is unfair not to support unplanned pregnancies, but given advances in medical science, I consider that no one has to have any unplanned children if you really do not want them, as I have managed not to in my time!
Also I think we should stop calling women left holding the baby, single mothers and perhaps start using the term absent fathers, after all they are still out there somewhere and happily not bothering to pay any child support!
I realise my views are very simplistic and may offend some people, especially those who find themselves in a situation that has not been self inflicted and I apologise to them in advance!

What does everyone else think, do you agree with my views or disagree?

[crete]

if you choose not to have children thats fine single mums and dads or now referred to as lone parents and possible in the near future will be called solo parents, not all lone parents rely on benefits though some obviously do.sex education in schools and by parents seems to be having no effect on the number of teenage pregnancy rate in this country. and should be addressed a s a p . not all unplanned pregnancys are unwanted, abortion is an option but not for a great deal of people , who has the right to tell us how many children we are allowed to have ? it is a false conception that a lone parent living on bebefits has limitless amounts of cash. yes there are a great number of absent fathers that was the CSA was set up and hasnt that been a great success?

[crete]

me again, not all young parents have had the benefit of stable backgrounds or appropriate education

[jno]

Many people feel countries need a stable or growing population. The whole idea of pensions, and therefore retirement ages, depends on a steady supply of younger people earning money to fund them, for instance. Immigrants have to be hired to work in labour-intensive industries like the NHS. National industries can't compete against those form more densely populated countries lie India or China. So governments like to encourage people to have children.

[pennyb04]

I pretty much agree with what you write Sue11, not wholeheartedly as I think every case may well be different, but on the whole yes. I vaguely remember seeing something on tv a few years ago about China rewarding couples who only have 2 children, this was to do with over populating or something.

I'd like to pat you on the back also, for making the decision not to have children yourself, I wouldn't change my children for the world, but back in my day I very stupidly didn't realise there was a choice!!

[crete]

our population is falling how would anyone feel who had decided not to have children that they must produce 1 or 2 children ?

[joko]

sue - who exactly is intentionally being horrible to you for having no children?

you imply that you are the target of some kind hate campaign or something

some may think its a bit odd that a young couple doesn't want kids - but is anyone actually angry with you for it?

[sue11]

Hi all, many thanks for answering and giving me your opinions. Crete, I agree that no one has the right to tell us how many children we should have or I may have been forced to have some!! My point is that people should support large broods themselves rather than (as in some cases) depend on the state to help them. After all having children is an incredible responsibilty and not to be entered into lightly. You would not buy an expensive car or house without giving it some thought as to how you are going to pay for it initially and throughout it's lifetime ( I hope!) so why not do the same with the amount of children you have? Also I agree with jno's thoughts on the younger population supporting an aging population and of course if everyone had my views then we would all soon be extinct!
Many thanks Penny for your support, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you may have thought twice about having children, although I have no doubt you love them very much!
I await with interest others views. Cheers Sue

[crete]

i fully respect your decision not to have children , but what i do know is that lone parents are an easy target and rarely have the oppertunity to express themselves.not only lone parents abuse the bebefit system

[sue11]

Hi Joko, actually no one has! I have been very lucky that people have respected my views, but I have some friends that who are intentionally childless who have had a bit of grief from upset potential grandparents and the like, understandable of course. Also I remember seeing a couple of these morning chat shows that focused on intentionally childless couples and some people in the audience were SO angry with them, you would have thought they were committing murder! So I suspose I am trying to fly a flag for people like me. I wonder why some people get so heated with people who decide not to have children? Do they feel that we are being irresponsible? Perhaps, but in my case I have never been that maternal and am very awkward around kids, I am not sure how well I could have brought up my own!
Crete I think I have already answered your response! Please don't lose sight the the fact that I am not against people having as many kids as they want, but please to be a bit more responsible about it thats all.

[sue11]

And that is a point that I completely agree with you on Crete, people who abuse the benefits system, possibly leave the ones who really really deserve help with less money as it is being spent on those who are dishonestly claiming!
Jail them all I say!! (and that is another opinion of mine that wiould provoke a lot of answers!! )

[crete]

oh sue there is quite a rebel in you i believe,really not being distrspectful here but do you have pets my friend s quite a few are childless for various reasons and they all have pets

[sue11]

Hi Crete, I love pets! I have two cats and perhaps that is where my maternal instinct really lies! I get very soppy over any animals, but don't seem to be able to feel the same aahh factor over babies! I would never want to see children being hurt of course and think they should be protected, but reserve my soft feelings for animals!

[wee-janine]

Hi all
I think it is nobodys business but Sue and her partners if they decide to have or not have children.
On the second point about lone parents I know one should not generalise but my personal opinion is that lone parents tend to fall onto two groups. The first is the person who has been married to one partner and has two/ three children, where all the children have the same parents. These people tend to try to support their children financially themselves. The other group are the ones who have lots of different children to lots of different fathers and I find they are more likely to want everything handed to them on a plate. They make no attempt to work and spend their time complaining that they don't get enough money to live on, despite never having paid a penny in tax. While I know this opinion may upset some people, I am only saying what I see.

[Aliceband]

Hi Sue, If you chose not to have children, then thats fine. Its your decision and I have no problem with that at all.

I get a bit tired of this taring all single/lone parents, whatever you chose to call them, with the same brush.

I hate either term, I am a mum bringing up my children on my own since my marriage break up 8 years ago. I have 4 children all by the same father (my ex husband) And believe you me, I never envisaged myself being in this situation. Its Bl**dy hard work. Physically, emotionally and financially.

Being a parent on your own is difficult enough. I feel we have a stigma attached to us. Finding work is hard enough. We dont all sponge off the system.

I have put my life on hold for the last 8 years, and will continue to do so, until they are older. My husband has not. he can see his children whenever he wants, but he choses to see them 4 nights a month. He lives locally. But his social life comes first. And yes he pays maintenance (not much)

I agree with you on your point about absent fathers, many of who dont pay maintenance. But its not all down to money. Its spending time with your children, watching them grow up, parent teacher meetings, homework etc.

Sorry this got a bit personal.

[mycats]

I'm a single parent. Have been for 8 years since I had to live in a womans aid refuge cause my partner nearly killed me. I didnt choose to be a single parent!
BUT I totally agree with what you say. I've had this conversation with people before (which surprises them as I have been on benifits for years)
I waited till my son was 9 because I wanted to be there for him growing up a bit, especially since the first 2 years of his life were so unsettled due to his lunatic father.
I would have loved to have more children, the only reason I didnt was because I never wanted to have LOADS of kids with different dads (though I dont think there is anything wrong with a "second" family) and also I knew it wouldnt be fair of me to just keep having babies and expecting the state and tax payers to support me.
It makes me really angry that I didnt have the family I wanted because I knew it was selfish and these other women just go ahead and do it anyway.
I am now at college doing a degree and when I qualify I will have a good, well paid job which will let me pay back into the system that has helped support me and my son, and I'm glad will be able to.

[violetblue]

I think that it's difficult to judge anyone's motives for having/not having children and try not to do so. However, it doesn't make the young and inadequate child-parents on our estate any less irritating when they screech at their kids and smack the living daylights out of them for not doing what they tell them. I realise it is partly a question of social background, education etc but I came from the same background and so don't see this as a get-out clause to be vile to your own children.

[Gnisy]

Would it make a difference if anyone agreed to your views or not? C'est la vie! Your life is yours to lead and no one has to justify their choice of having children or not. If anyone tells you otherwise, just ask them to spend the energy on their kids or on themselves. It was never about selfishness or being right or wrong.

Let's say you didn't want to have kids and then you suddenly find yourself or your partner pregnant and you went berserk because this wasn't "planned", are you in the wrong or should you be punished? No, life just continues on and you bring the kid up and try to give it as much love as possible. Otherwise, it'll be just you and your partner with no worries in the world. Besides, nothing EVER goes as planned.

If you dislike being judged upon by others, perhaps you shouldn't be judging others as well?

Regards.

[Greedyfly]

I myself dont think I want to have children although still quite young I dont want to bring anyone into a world like this. I hope thqta I dont change my mind. I do get broody sometimes but I honestly dont feel having children is whqat my lifes about.
I do believe some people have too many children altogether. I believe it is your decision to have as many children as you want, but if you choose (note I said choose) to have 6 children then you choose to work and pay for those 6 children.

[crete]

all you lone parents who have responded to this question well don you are doing the most difficult job in the world which is being a parent .

[maxi29]

As you say yourself, your views are simplistic. I would simply ask what would you do to parents who had, say, six children but no job if the state's not going to support them? Let them starve? Send 3 or 4 year-olds to work? Simplistic is the wrong word for your views, barking mad is more accurate.

I simply do not see why young children should suffer for whatever the real or perceived shortcomings of their parents. Shame on you suggesting that they should.