I don't want to hurt my parents' feelings!!!!!

[foodluva]

Help!

I have just returned from a fab holiday in the USA with my partner. On discussing the holiday with my mum, she mentioned that she and my dad would like to visit the USA but were apprehensive about it (old people get car-jacked!!!) and went on to suggest that my partner and I take she and my dad the next time we go on holiday. Yikes!!!!

I love my parents dearly but I don't fancy going away on holiday with them mainly because we just want to spend our holidays alone together. Also, my partner and I save hard to stay in nice hotels and eat in nice restaurants (we don't mind splashing out a bit on our meals) but my dad in particular moans constantly about the price of things. When we last visited my parents (they live in Gran Canaria) we took them out for an expensive meal but it was wasted on them as my dad just couldn't help passing comment on the cost and how we would have been better off eating in 'this cheap little other place'. Also my parents frown if I have any more than 2 glasses of wine (which I do often!!!!) and as our holidays involve frequent alcohol consumption I just know in my heart that the whole holiday experience will not be enjoyable for my partner or myself. I don't even understand why they are apprehensive about going alone. They moved to Gran Canaria 10 years ago with no money, no jobs and without speaking a word of Spanish. It was a brave thing to do which turned out well for them. It is beyond me why they are apprehensive about going on a 2 week trip themselves.

So my question is, how on earth do I let them down gently without hurting their feelings????

I'd really appreciate some opinions on this!

[Sachs]

Hi food! Why not take them. It's just 'one' out of many holidays you will have to yourselves. You could always stay near them and not neccesarily at the same place, just stay in contact by phone, may be meet up for a couple of hours here and there xxx

[foodluva]

Yeah I have thought about that but knowing my parents the way I do, I reckon that they would want to come everywhere with us. 2 hours here and there would become whole days and nights. I feel awful for feeling this way. I am a bad daughter!!!!

[puddicat]

How old his mum and dad???

[bednobs]

do they drive? Why dont you rent a vlla do your own things during the day and meet up for either "home" cooked meals in the evening

[tigwig]

Sachs I will have to disagree with you! (sorry!) A holiday to the US costs a fortune and if you are not going to enjoy it 100% it is a waste of money. Just because it is only 1 holiday out of many doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
I am speaking out of personal experience. A few years back we went with my parents and my sister and her family. We didn't do theme parks that year but we all stayed together in one apartment and towards the end it was a little frought! This year we went with his dad, sister and her family and it was horrendous! We did all the theme parks and fell out over every little thing. We just didn't have the same ideas and like you foodluva we like a drink (or 6) and they weren't bothered. Every night in the villa we'd get out the booze and his dad would say are you drinking again?! Yes we're on holiday get a life!! I would never go with them again and I would just say to your parents no offence but we really like to be selfish and do our own thing on holiday and wouldn't want to spoil your time. Get some brochures for them and go through everything and tell them what a wonderful holiday they will have on their own! Say it is the only chance you have as a couple to really spend quality time together. I am sure they will understand, if not they'll get over it! In my opinion I would never give in, if you have worries just considering it it would be a hundred times worse when you were there!

[ceejn]

Quit feeling awful right now.Most people love their parents but would shirk at the idea of going on holiday with them,i know i would,cant think of anything worse really.So unless you are going to go on a holiday that you don't want you have to speak up .And the sooner you do it the better.Tell them the truth,that you both have different ideas about holidaying...

[Sachs]

No your not food, I do understand. Different generations. Me and my husband have been taking my parents away with us for the last few years. They walk much slower now in their advancing years. It was sort of understood that they wanted to do 'their' thing in the day, then we met up later on for the evening. Thing is, they felt 'reassured' we were there, sort of within easy reach. As parents get older they feel more vulnerable to everything that's going on around them. I'm sure if you agreed before the holiday on an arrangement of seeing them on alternate days, but stayed in contact by phone, that might work? xxx

[shanx]

why dont you tell them you are doing it a little different next time , and thinking off touring around and maybe it would be a little hectic for them , plus some hotels you plan to stay at are quite expensive . i understand why you feel as you do , and its not that you dont love your parents .

[ladyalex]

Take the bull by the horns and just tell them that it wouldn't work out......or just ignore the whole thing and hope it never comes up again. Be assured, however, if you ever do take them on hols with you it will certainly not be the only time...they will want to do it again and again, despite the disagreements. I cannot see any advantages in this for you. You work hard to earn money to save for a holiday, it would be dreadful to feel that it was wasted. (And that oyu need another holiday to get over it).
It's nothing to do with being selfish or a bad daughter etc it's just a very bad idea . The person really being selfish is your mum by suggesting that you give up your holiday for her.
By the way, i do not think there is a gentle or tactful way of doing this, hence the suggestion that you just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Good luck and stick to your guns.

[foodluva]

Thanks everyone. My mum is 67 and dad 72 but they are very young for their years and very active so an active holiday would not put them off. Tigwig, you are right about the cost of the USA. We spent approx �4k between getting there and spending money. It's alot to spend on a holiday which I might end up hating. There are probably cheaper ways of doing it but I like my luxuries!!! Bednobs, getting a villa might not always be an option depending where we go. Most replies here refer to theme parks and having done Florida a couple of times, I wasn't thinking of Orlando so the villa option might not be feasible. Plus it would just be like living with them for 2 weeks. Separate hotel rooms sounds better! The fact is, I don't want to do it so I just need some suggestions for reasons to tell them. Tig wig, you're winning so far! I really appreciate everyone's input so far though!

[susiespider]

It's a long time ago now (1991 in fact) but my parents took myself and my husband (we weren't married then) to Hawaii for 3 weeks. When I say they took us, I mean they paid for most of it. I was quite apprehensive, but it was OK. We had to compromise on what we did and my Dad was not in brilliant health so we were somewhat limited. If it had been just the 2 of us, we would probably have done more during our holiday.
However, what I would say is now, having lost my parents 10-11 years ago, I am so glad we did it. We have the memories of that time with them and the knowledge that we did something that made them happy. You won't have your parents for ever so if you can bring yourself to go with them, in the future when they are no longer with you, you'll be glad you did.

[foodluva]

Thanks LadyAlex. Deep down I know you are right! I have sleepless night sif I think I have upset someone though so it ain't going to be easy. I could try and ignore it but if I was to book to the USA without mentioning anything I'm sure my mum would be hurt that I hadn't asked her. And I think you are right - I feel my mum was wrong to ask!

[foodluva]

Susie, what can I say? I have also thought of the regret I would feel if I lost my parents and hadn't gone away with them. I could probably just about tolerate a holiday with them but I am sure my partner would object. He thinks that holidaying with parents is a no no! He wouldn't go anywhere with his own let alone mine!

[wiggal]

Hey foodluva!

Not much of an answer really, but thought I would share it!
We (my and my fella) got back on Saturday from a week in Spain, which was absolutely fantastic. It was not only with my mum and stepdad, but also my OHs mum and little sister.

We agreed before hand that it was very much everyones holiday, everyone could go off and do what they wanted when they wanted and so on, and we did spend all but one day together.

It could of been especially difficult being that it was my parents and his mum who have only met a few times over the last few years, but everyone got on so well and had so many laughs, that we are already looking to plan next years holiday which will be -

Me & my better half
My mum and stepdad
my sister her wife and my nephew
My big brother
My OHs Mum & little sis
My OHs Big sister, her husband and their baby!

I was a bit wary before the last holiday, but things can come out suprisingly well!

But then I guess only you know your parents :)

Hope you get it all sorted!

xxx

[foodluva]

Thanks Wiggal! Maybe I'll meet them half way. Perhaps by suggesting a week somewhere as opposed to my main fortnight's holiday!

Thanks to everyone for their replies!

[spudqueen]

You could suggest to them that they might be better off on one of those guided holidays of the states. They are often advertised in papers like the Mail on Sunday. You could say that they will be very safe with a guided tour, and that they might enjoy it more being with people more their own age. Maybe you could arrange to meet up with them on one part of their holiday, if it would fit in with you.

[logic]

I don't want to sound offensive, or persuade you in any way,
But when I lost my parents, the first thing i thought was, I wish I had spent more time with them,

If you are close ,and i suspect that you are, think ahead,

[LucianaScott]

maybe this is their way of asking you to spend more time with them? if your parents really acts like you say, trip together wouldn't be enjoyable for them. but maybe they are just this kind of people who always moan and groan for no reason?

[Eve]

I have to admit I really don't know if I could go away with both my parents though we never really went on a family holiday bar a weekend in Blackpool when I was little where we did different things anyway.

We've all done our own things really though, me, my dad and brother have all travelled quite widely separately.

I would like to take mum away as she's the one who has missed out and hasn't had what I'd call a holiday for over 30 years.

I'd love to take her to New York as she's always wanted to go and she'd love it and be so excited and I'd love showing her around.

She's been saying for years she wants to go away for Christmas as she can't be bothered with it anymore but she won't get a passport!

I could go away with her on a holiday catered to the two us us and probably different to one I'd do on my own.

I'd find it very hard to go away with my dad as I hardly see him and wouldn't know where to start!

So I guess it depends on your family circumstances. Could you arrange something that would fit the four of you going away together and see it as some nice family time together?

Something cheaper and maybe more local, even as a trial? Depending on what time they go to bed then you could drink and go out once they've gone to bed?

[McNoodle]

Tell 'em to bog off. They're lucky enough to have retired to Gran Canaria!