Being assertive with family

[sallyann16]

My older sister lives just up the road from me and has two children. Our parents live up north so I am the only relative nearby.
Since she had her first child 11 years I have been an active part of their family and go round to see my sister once a week and the children once a fortnight. I babysit when needed, although this isn't as often as it was in the early days.
I live with my boyfriend and am very happy with my relationship and don't ask anything from anyone, as in favours or help etc.
Recently I have started to feel resentful at the amount of time my sister expects me round there. I go every other Saturday for the whole morning, but feel it is more for my sister's benefits as she likes the company, rather than for the kids, who are happy to be with mummy. I also spend a whole morning a week just with my sister, going round the shops and having coffee.
Today she has asked me round for my birthday evening (tomorrow) to spend with her and her husband and the children. It's not my ideal birthday eve but to say no would be churlish and mean.
She then asked me to babysit for two hours the next day, Tuesday. Because I have a mentally arduous trip away planned for Thursday, I said I would for just two hours. She rang later and said sorry, could this be 3 hours. I said no, that it feels like the whole evening then, and she rang off in cross mood, saying she'd have to ask (and pay for) a neighbour.
She has since ignored my texts and I just need to support from you all to hear I'm doing the right thing in keeping my boundaries in place and not being put upon. Your thoughts?

[China Doll]

I think I would absolutely love to visit either of my sisters every other saturday for a whole morning and have have coffee with them every week. My sisters live respectively up north and in australia and I can honestly say that a morning every other weekend and a morning once a week for coffee does not sound like any kind of hardship.

I also have the sort of relationship where I would be able to tell my sisters that I don't fancy spending my birthday evening at their house and have made other plans. Maybe you should say the same.

Honestly don't see the difference between two and three hours but that's just me. I'd be more inclined to say I can't babysit at all rather than just say I can only do it for a couple of hours.

[DTCwordfan]

(i) agree with China - two or three hours, so what. As long as they see you home safe.

(ii) value the time you spend with her, you never know what may transpire down the time-line, where you end up, whatever. There are infinite reasons that you two are "parted."


(iii) suggest that you make the effort to play with the kids if you feel that spending some more time is the principal reasons - in practice, a bit of both is what you should be doing.

[terrywogan]

sallyann, how old are you? Whilst I can see the point of the other posters pointing out that, if something were to happen, you'd regret not spending ALL your time with your sister, but you do need to have a life of your own. You have a boyfriend, a job, presumably you have other friends, and a home to run. If someone asked me to babysit for two hours and I agreed, then they changed it to three hours, I would cancel the whole thing if it didn't fit in with my plans.
Your sister has gone down the blackmail route, that's not fair and she needs to learn that. I wonder if she will be that accommodating to you if you decide to have children?

[sallyann16]

Thanks Terry Wogan - you have hit the nail on the head. I'm 45 and chose not to have children and am very happy being an Auntie, and am very happy with the life I have.
While I can also see the other posters' view point, I grew up with my sister being bossy and domineering, and it has always been hard for me to say no to her. In fact I say no very rarely, and would've taken on this gig if I wasn't going away on Thursday, so my stress is probably due to my actually saying no in the first place. I specified that I didn't want to do Tuesday night (which would run from 4.30pm-11pm) at all due to my trip, and then my sister came back and said would I just do those two hours before someone else takes over. I said yes, and then she said it'd be THREE hours before someone could come over and free me up. So my initial 'no' became potentially 3 hours - which to most people in a whole babysitting session!
It's not about not valuing who and what you have, it's about being heard and setting boudaries.
Thanks for understanding that TerryWogan.

[I.Don No]

there is a simple answer to this problem.....your life, your rules.

[DTCwordfan]

At 45 you are only half way through your life. I, for one, still rest my original assertion posted above, with the proviso of adjusting the notion of "play" with your nieces/nephews - how about taking them to treats such as the cinema whatever so you spend time with them, could even be Gaelic football...............

[ladybirder]

I think you have done the right thing. She is taking you too much for granted. Now she's annoyed and ignoring you because for the first time you have not danced to her tune and she has to actually pay for a babysitter. She shouldn't be treating you like that in my opinion, she should value you. In fact she should be ashamed of herself IMO.

[sallyann16]

DT, I play with my nieces and nephews everytime I go round. I go to Legoland with them, soft rooms, go karting, take them for tea and biscuits, go to every birthday party, every school play etc. I've been a really good auntie but sometimes I feel my sister takes the p*ss.
Thank you Ladybirder - a really supportive and understanding answer.

[karenmac60]

My sister lives in the next town to me. She has set foot in my house twice in 12 years and she has looked after my daughter 4 times in 15 years, and I see her about once a year at my parents'. Then she gets snippy if I dare to suggest her niece might like to see more of her. I think you do more than enough and your sister has slipped into taking you for granted. Stand your ground and don't be bullied into running about after her. You don't need to fall out, but you do need to set limits.

[sallyann16]

Thanks Karen, I'm really sorry to hear that your sister takes so little interest in your life - it's one extreme to the other, isn't it? Most of my sister's friends are very envious that she has Auntie Sally up the road but I do think she rather sees it as her due at times. I think I'm struggling more with MY feelings of guilt and for putting myself first and not her or her children. But as I said I'm seeing them all tonight for my birthday so I will report back as to atmosphere etc! Thanks for your support, it really did help xx

[pizza]

Hope you had a lovely birthday sallyann16.
Maybe your sister doesn't realise how much she takes you for granted, I would have thought she was really selfish until I read she did make the effort to invite you round for your birthday.
I think your sister and your nieces and nephews are really lucky to have you in their lives as you make a real effort visiting and going places with them.
Life is so short and all family memories are to be treasured.
I don't' know if your sister works but if not she probably sees you as an escape route from her mum/wife role and does genuinely enjoy your company, maybe if you feel your free time is being restricted by seeing your sister once a week and the kids once a fortnight tie it in to a full day once a fortnight do the coffee and shops with your sister in the morning and the auntie stuff in the afternoon.
I also think you do need a sisterly chat as to how mad she makes you feel if you say no, she has to realise although you are there and have supported her with the babysitting you do have a life of your own and she should respect that.

[joeluke]

Your sister is taking you for a mug

[sallyann16]

Thanks Pizza and Joe. I had a lovely birthday evening in the end and I did manage to speak to my sister, who was very understanding about how my time was so restricted this week. I don't resent the time I spend with her or the children at ALL, what DOES bother me is when more and more is asked of me, as though I'm a third parent.
We should all have a choice as to how much time one wants to spend with anyone, be it a friend, a work colleague, a family member. Everyone I know thinks I spend a huge amount of time with them, which suggests to me that it's far more than other people with THEIR families!
When more is expected of you than you want to give, it becomes an obligation, not a pleasure. I'm very happy and very lucky to have a niece and nephew living nearby and I know in years to come I'll treasure the memories. For me, though, this is an issue between my sister and me. It's an on-going battle but your help has been magnificent - thank you so much for your support.

[pizza]

I'm glad you had a good birthday sallyann and I hope you and your family continue to enjoy each others company and I hope you don't get put upon in the future, you are not the parent, you do have a life and they're are lucky to have you x

[sallyann16]

Thank you Pizza, what a lovely lovely reply. Much love and thanks xx

[DTCwordfan]

Glad to hear you are working it out.....and long may the close relationship between you both (and to your n and n) continue....