Contacting my father

[BettyNoir]

Hi all

I grew up without a dad; according to my mum they had a fling and broke up when she was 5 months pregnant with me as he didn't want to be a father. To the best of my knowledge he has never attempted to make any contact with me, nor I with him, as my mum didn't really know enough about him that we could track him down.

I *think* I have found him, and for the better part of a year have been trying to decide whether or not to make contact. He'd be in his late sixties now, so I feel like if I were to contact him I should do it sooner rather than later. Trouble is, I have no idea where to start. I have both an address and a phone number, but no idea what to say, or even if I should bother. I know a lot of people would say not to even bother, since he never bothered about me, but to be fair I have only my mum's side of the story to go on and for all I know he could have been trying to track me down for years.

My mum died almost 9 years ago, so upsetting her with all this isn't an issue. I really don't know what to do for the best. I feel like if I don't even try and talk to this man then I'll wonder for the rest of my life whether or not I did the right thing, but then I'm back to having no clue what to say to him.

Any thoughts?
Betty. x

[johnk]

Did your father take any financial responsibility for you?

[mike11111]

Your best bet would probably be to write him a short letter explaining who you are and asking if he wishes to make contact.

[craft1948]

I agree with red that the first contact should be by letter rather than a phone call out of the blue. This would a) give him time to think things through and b) give him the choice of contacting you back or not.

[ladybirder]

Betty, could you face rejection if he didn't want to know? This I'm afraid is a possibility and if the answer is No then don't. If the answer is Yes then write him a letter which will give him time to digest the news rather than have a phone call out of the blue. Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

[danchip]

Are you ready for him to blame your mum for it all and perhaps ruin good memories you had of her?

My mam went through the exact same thing, she tracked down her sperm donor and confronted him! It turned out she had 3 half sisters, a half brother and a step sister which she knew nothing about! The result of all of this was it ripped his whole family apart and his wife died of a heart attack due to the scandal of the step sister finding out who she thought was her dad isn't and all of the girls found out that their parents had sent their brother off to a childrens institute as soon as he was born!

On the positive side my mam now has another sister who she is incredibly close to!

[Sqad]

This is no big deal, so don't build it up into one.

Phone him and give him the reasons for your call.

He will either respond or make it quite clear that he doesn't want to know or communicate with you.

Look at it this way....I am a man of 60+watching TV and the telephone goes and there is a woman saying that she is my daughter. What would his response likely to be?

Good luck, but don't build this up into a lifetime crusade.....move on.

[tamborine]

Letters can be opened by anyone, which may disrupt your father's household.

As per sqad; contact by phone leaving your number for further contact. Be brief saying you're daughter of ?? quoting your age adding any paternity evidence you have. Good luck

[fairycakes69]

I'd go for a letter, like the others have said just keep it simple say who you are and leave it up to him to decide. Don't call him, he'll need time to take in that you have got in touch, you've been preparing for it, he hasn't.
Good luck, hope it works out for you.

[NOX]

I would both phone him and write him a letter.
Write him a letter calmly explaining that you'd simply like the opportunity to talk with him, and then before he gets that give him a brief call explain who you are and that you are calling simply because you didn't want to risk another member of his family opening the letter, and disrupting his life. that way he will at least be clear that you don't want to decimate his existance and you might hopefully get a better reception that way. Good luck.

[LDC134]

I had similar circumstances, although my father knew of my existence but had never made contact - and I spent many, many years weighing up what to do. I think as long as you are prepared for the best and worst scenarios as well as a middle one, then you have covered as much as you can and you should go for it - write a letter first, it gives the person a chance to think before replying.
In my case, when I wrote the letter, the person wasn't my dad but they were kind enough to reply quickly and let me know. I did eventually track him down - heart breakingly for me he had died just 7 weeks before (one outcome I hadn't prepared for) but on a very positive note, I have found a wonderful half sister who I am incredibly close to, and she has been able to fill in many gaps including the knowledge that my father had being trying to find me too.

I am well aware that my case in unusual, but I am so glad that I finally have some answers and peace of mind now. My every best wish to you that your quest turns out equally as positively x x

[droopdrawers]

I agree with Nox. Write first, telling the person who you are,why you are writing etc and end with, you understand he may not want to acknowledge you and you respect his wish should that be the case.
Give him your phone number, not your address at this stage and see what happens.
From the young man who couldn't see himself as a father all those years ago he may well have wondered what happened to you. People change as they grow up and older.
Be prepared for rejection but you will never know unless you tried will you.
If his story differs from that of your Mother that's ok too cos you know people only remember the bits they want to when it comes to such things.
Good Luck

DD