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Distant Girlfriend - advice needed
39 Answers
I have been dating my g/f for just over a year. We enjoyed intense closeness for much of that, until a couple of months ago when it slid downhill for me, quite rapidly. She is a loving and affectionate girl, but despite working full time never seemed to contribute financially to anything that we did. I tried to address it gently, but it never seemed to have any impact. Eventually, enough was enough and I confronted the issues. Rather than saying sorry or suggesting change, she asked me if I wanted to break up... I simply gave up at that point, after 2 hours of explaining myself, so we broke up.
She was devastated and this really shocked me, as I had felt really taken for granted and was unsure how much she actually cared. On the back of this, we talked a couple of days later and decided to try again. Since this point, she has been very emotionally distant, has developed a sarcastic edge to her personality which is quite grating and has become generally quite fragile, distant and depressive. Granted, I hurt her and I accept this, hence putting effort into making things right. She, however, will not let go of how much I hurt her and seems to conpletely disregard any of the reasonings that led to the issues in the first place. As a consequence, she seems to want to go into her shell, have a much diminished relationship, on her terms only and seems like a different person every day right now. This inevitably leads to issues when we are around each other, as I wish to understand the issues and try to move forwards, but she prefers to either stay silent or feel sorry for herself.
I love her deeply, but do not know what to do for the best now. Sometimes I feel desperately sad for how things declined so fast, other times I get a bit resentful that it seems to be all about her feelings and mine do not seem to count.
She says that she loves me and when I ask her what she wants, she says me and time! 6 weeks on and we seem to be getting nowhere as I have clearly cut her quite deply by the brief ending of the relationship and she says she doesnt trust that it wont happen again.
Any thoughts anyone please? I'm a bit lost in all this right now :(
She was devastated and this really shocked me, as I had felt really taken for granted and was unsure how much she actually cared. On the back of this, we talked a couple of days later and decided to try again. Since this point, she has been very emotionally distant, has developed a sarcastic edge to her personality which is quite grating and has become generally quite fragile, distant and depressive. Granted, I hurt her and I accept this, hence putting effort into making things right. She, however, will not let go of how much I hurt her and seems to conpletely disregard any of the reasonings that led to the issues in the first place. As a consequence, she seems to want to go into her shell, have a much diminished relationship, on her terms only and seems like a different person every day right now. This inevitably leads to issues when we are around each other, as I wish to understand the issues and try to move forwards, but she prefers to either stay silent or feel sorry for herself.
I love her deeply, but do not know what to do for the best now. Sometimes I feel desperately sad for how things declined so fast, other times I get a bit resentful that it seems to be all about her feelings and mine do not seem to count.
She says that she loves me and when I ask her what she wants, she says me and time! 6 weeks on and we seem to be getting nowhere as I have clearly cut her quite deply by the brief ending of the relationship and she says she doesnt trust that it wont happen again.
Any thoughts anyone please? I'm a bit lost in all this right now :(
Answers
You said it yourself you ' confronted' the issues as you saw them.
Some people are clued up financially and some people aren't, some people value money and some don't. If she is one of those people who simply consider money to be of secondary importance to how someone else feels, or the love within a relationship then you will have hurt her far more deeply than...
Some people are clued up financially and some people aren't, some people value money and some don't. If she is one of those people who simply consider money to be of secondary importance to how someone else feels, or the love within a relationship then you will have hurt her far more deeply than...
04:17 Sat 02nd Jun 2012
She has been brought up completely spoiled and has always gotten her way.
She was looking for a guy who was going to fully support her and while you seemed to be that she was happy.
When you wanted to discuss an important aspect of the relationship it was a no go zone for her. She is one of those people who thinks that everyone should automatically know what she expects and anyone who doesn't should not be so rude to expect her to discuss it, much less change anything, even slightly, to accomodate the other person's expectations.
She will never let go of this and it is the thin end of the wedge. She will make any man miserable unless she always has her way.
I would strongly advise you get out now and look for relationship with a woman instead putting up with being the lackey of a spoilt girl.
She was looking for a guy who was going to fully support her and while you seemed to be that she was happy.
When you wanted to discuss an important aspect of the relationship it was a no go zone for her. She is one of those people who thinks that everyone should automatically know what she expects and anyone who doesn't should not be so rude to expect her to discuss it, much less change anything, even slightly, to accomodate the other person's expectations.
She will never let go of this and it is the thin end of the wedge. She will make any man miserable unless she always has her way.
I would strongly advise you get out now and look for relationship with a woman instead putting up with being the lackey of a spoilt girl.
It may well be unfair to expect her to share equally in finances if she doesn't have as much disposable income as you. However money is not a reliable measure of most things so does she contribute in any other way, does she give things up to make you happy? who does she put first, herself or you. In a relationship these things matter more than sharing the financial burden, she may feel let down because she feels you only see the situation in financial terms. Equally Beso may have got it right, only you can tell.
You said it yourself you ' confronted' the issues as you saw them.
Some people are clued up financially and some people aren't, some people value money and some don't. If she is one of those people who simply consider money to be of secondary importance to how someone else feels, or the love within a relationship then you will have hurt her far more deeply than you can imagine. I don't personally feel, with the limited information you have provided, that she is ' spoiled' or used to her own way at all, just rather that you totally pulled the rug from under her by placing more importance on financial matters than on her happiness, when she perhaps is someone who would never have done that were the situation reversed.
Imho I think it's to be expected that she now keeps something of herself back as you have trashed her fairytale idea of you, for her now it's a trust issue and she won't be trusting her own judgement about anything for a long time including how reliable as a partner you are.
I'm sorry to sound so negative towards you, but I think under the circumstances it's all pretty much to be expected as in her mind you have placed a financial sum on her love for you, and to her her money now seems of more worth to you than her precious love. This will take some getting over and your are in her court now, only she can establish how long if at all.
You sound pretty irritated by her, I imagine she's also picking up on that, which probably won't help either. Try a really good sit down ( which she'll resist as last time it ended in her world falling apart) and try to focus on how much you care for her, not what you perceive she's doing wrong or isn't paying for, I think at this point it's the only thing you can do.
Some people are clued up financially and some people aren't, some people value money and some don't. If she is one of those people who simply consider money to be of secondary importance to how someone else feels, or the love within a relationship then you will have hurt her far more deeply than you can imagine. I don't personally feel, with the limited information you have provided, that she is ' spoiled' or used to her own way at all, just rather that you totally pulled the rug from under her by placing more importance on financial matters than on her happiness, when she perhaps is someone who would never have done that were the situation reversed.
Imho I think it's to be expected that she now keeps something of herself back as you have trashed her fairytale idea of you, for her now it's a trust issue and she won't be trusting her own judgement about anything for a long time including how reliable as a partner you are.
I'm sorry to sound so negative towards you, but I think under the circumstances it's all pretty much to be expected as in her mind you have placed a financial sum on her love for you, and to her her money now seems of more worth to you than her precious love. This will take some getting over and your are in her court now, only she can establish how long if at all.
You sound pretty irritated by her, I imagine she's also picking up on that, which probably won't help either. Try a really good sit down ( which she'll resist as last time it ended in her world falling apart) and try to focus on how much you care for her, not what you perceive she's doing wrong or isn't paying for, I think at this point it's the only thing you can do.
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Sorry to hear about your troubles NoM, you don't need such a plateful at the moment.
"a loving and affectionate girl" sounds like you are talking about a dog.
"stay silent or feel sorry for herself" "sarcastic edge which is quite grating" "fragile, distant and depressive"
Wow you write like you really love this girl........(not)
"a loving and affectionate girl" sounds like you are talking about a dog.
"stay silent or feel sorry for herself" "sarcastic edge which is quite grating" "fragile, distant and depressive"
Wow you write like you really love this girl........(not)
Thanks for some of the responses, some others seem a little harsh maybe. It is impossible to cover every aspect of a relationship in one go, so I'll try to add a bit more here to make the picture a bit clearer
Firstly, I wouldn't care if she bought one meal in 50, or the taxi after a meal out. That's how little I'm bothered about it. I have around double her disposable income level.
I'm describing some of the negative parts if her character as she is coming across now. To tell you how she was before... Well, adoring, loving, affectionate, the most beautiful smile in the world and a bond that felt electric at times. I don't think I ever agreed to be the sole provider in a two income relationship and I handled it gently, but the impact on her was more about a disappointment because she felt safe with me and that I'd never leave her. It makes me feel that I have no entitlement to be unhappy with anything as I write this.
I do not measure our relationship in financial terms at all, but why should I pay for everything and she pays for next to nothing? I think I had a right to gently raise the subject after a year of trying to broach it in even more gentle ways.
When I see her now, the balance is actually fine and there is even lovely aspects like random small gifts that didn't happen before :) I miss the emotional side though and know she is holding back becausrci hurt her. I guess the advice I was seeking was how to best handle a beautiful gentle girl who has been hurt by me and is being very withdrawn and guarded now....
Firstly, I wouldn't care if she bought one meal in 50, or the taxi after a meal out. That's how little I'm bothered about it. I have around double her disposable income level.
I'm describing some of the negative parts if her character as she is coming across now. To tell you how she was before... Well, adoring, loving, affectionate, the most beautiful smile in the world and a bond that felt electric at times. I don't think I ever agreed to be the sole provider in a two income relationship and I handled it gently, but the impact on her was more about a disappointment because she felt safe with me and that I'd never leave her. It makes me feel that I have no entitlement to be unhappy with anything as I write this.
I do not measure our relationship in financial terms at all, but why should I pay for everything and she pays for next to nothing? I think I had a right to gently raise the subject after a year of trying to broach it in even more gentle ways.
When I see her now, the balance is actually fine and there is even lovely aspects like random small gifts that didn't happen before :) I miss the emotional side though and know she is holding back becausrci hurt her. I guess the advice I was seeking was how to best handle a beautiful gentle girl who has been hurt by me and is being very withdrawn and guarded now....
Thanks Boxy and Tony. He never meant the things he said over dinner, he was just being a knob and he was trying to hurt and punish me.
When he arrived on scene and saw me immobilised and the wreckage of the car, it was the wake up call he needed.
HH... I hope you work things out with your lady, but do give her time.
When he arrived on scene and saw me immobilised and the wreckage of the car, it was the wake up call he needed.
HH... I hope you work things out with your lady, but do give her time.
harsh?
i thought you'd asked for advice?
your actions have hurt her and destroyed trust!
but a few suggestions, why not do cheaper things so she can contribute or expect to pay more to enjoy yourselves, and live with it!
if money is that important to you, stop giving it away and complaining about it!
i thought you'd asked for advice?
your actions have hurt her and destroyed trust!
but a few suggestions, why not do cheaper things so she can contribute or expect to pay more to enjoy yourselves, and live with it!
if money is that important to you, stop giving it away and complaining about it!
I take back what I said. Sometimes I paint the worst picture to spread the spectrum because we too often see people post about in relationship disasters that they seem to think are made in heaven.
You have DOUBLE her disposable income?! In fact it is probably much more than this because the relatively wealthy often have very little idea what it is like for those with less. Do you actually know where her money goes? Do you know that she is not helping to support her parents, paying a fortune in rent or screwed with HP or credit card repayments?
She could well struggling to make ends meet while she tries her very best to look the part of a girl worthy of your affections.
You have got this way, way wrong.
Image this. She is dreaming of sharing her whole life with you where what you have is yours together. She is hoping for you to tell her you want that too. Instead you highlight separation in the the way where she feels she is inferior and inadequate. Then you dump her!
However you are a lucky man because those "little gifts" are mark of her desperation not to lose you.
You are getting nowhere because you have not reassured her that you have anything in mind that even vaguely resembles what she was imagining.
You had better decide what is that you do have in mind and you had better decide fast.
If you do want her then go an tell her you have realised you have been an idiot because you lost sight of what are the real valuable things in life.
You have DOUBLE her disposable income?! In fact it is probably much more than this because the relatively wealthy often have very little idea what it is like for those with less. Do you actually know where her money goes? Do you know that she is not helping to support her parents, paying a fortune in rent or screwed with HP or credit card repayments?
She could well struggling to make ends meet while she tries her very best to look the part of a girl worthy of your affections.
You have got this way, way wrong.
Image this. She is dreaming of sharing her whole life with you where what you have is yours together. She is hoping for you to tell her you want that too. Instead you highlight separation in the the way where she feels she is inferior and inadequate. Then you dump her!
However you are a lucky man because those "little gifts" are mark of her desperation not to lose you.
You are getting nowhere because you have not reassured her that you have anything in mind that even vaguely resembles what she was imagining.
You had better decide what is that you do have in mind and you had better decide fast.
If you do want her then go an tell her you have realised you have been an idiot because you lost sight of what are the real valuable things in life.
Earning double the salary of your other half doesn't mean you can diminish the contributions they make to your relationship in terms of the emotion and investment they have in you as a person. If you use the fact that you earn more as an instrument to destroy what is otherwise a loving relationship, and then realise your mistake then I think you can expect some fairly major distrust of your motives and how much they perceive you value them as a person. I'm not saying be a mug but equally, two people bring different strengths to a relationship and it's those strengths that a relationship should be valued on, and not who pays for the most (incidently, the person who earns the most should pay for most things, that's just sensible). She probably now feels like she doesn't measure up and it's making her guarded.
All you can do is give her time and show much you appreciate what she has to offer in your relationship. You initated the split in emotion so unfortunately you'll have to work twice as hard to repair it. You probably will get the emotional connection back in time, once she learns that you can be trusted and relied on again but it'll take time as she says. Perhaps you need to be more like she was, adoring, loving and affectionate, these were obviously things she felt were important as she gave them to you; and you can't buy any of them no matter what your salary is.
All you can do is give her time and show much you appreciate what she has to offer in your relationship. You initated the split in emotion so unfortunately you'll have to work twice as hard to repair it. You probably will get the emotional connection back in time, once she learns that you can be trusted and relied on again but it'll take time as she says. Perhaps you need to be more like she was, adoring, loving and affectionate, these were obviously things she felt were important as she gave them to you; and you can't buy any of them no matter what your salary is.
Ok, I came on here for advice on how best to handle a very sensitive girlfriend who I admit I have hurt, but seem to have been branded as a money worshipping arse! Jeez, tough crowd! :)
My g/f has no debts and 75% of her income is disposable. There is no logical reason why any couple should be fully funded by just the one person. She too recognises this and agrees, hence the little changes that make all the difference to me... I'll pay for 100 meals and she can buy one for all I care, it's just a general principle of fairness I think.
The gist of the calmer answers seem to say give it time, be consistent and fair, be calm and loving and show her she's valued. I agree to all of this and am trying. As for taking her on holiday... Tried this, went to Venice for 4 days, was mostly great with a few mood swings, on both sides, as we seem to both be quite sensitive right now and it doesn't always gel at the same time.
I appreciate any guidance from females who may have been in a similar-ish position, as I'm just a man and I'm trying to learn... This is surely better than not bothering! :)
My g/f has no debts and 75% of her income is disposable. There is no logical reason why any couple should be fully funded by just the one person. She too recognises this and agrees, hence the little changes that make all the difference to me... I'll pay for 100 meals and she can buy one for all I care, it's just a general principle of fairness I think.
The gist of the calmer answers seem to say give it time, be consistent and fair, be calm and loving and show her she's valued. I agree to all of this and am trying. As for taking her on holiday... Tried this, went to Venice for 4 days, was mostly great with a few mood swings, on both sides, as we seem to both be quite sensitive right now and it doesn't always gel at the same time.
I appreciate any guidance from females who may have been in a similar-ish position, as I'm just a man and I'm trying to learn... This is surely better than not bothering! :)
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