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Not understanding a parent's bond...
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Me and my partner dont argue about anything, except, one issue.... Her child. And it is happening more regularly. Now this from the outside this may look like a fatal flaw, but I will expand and then hopefully, take some advice!
We have been together around 19 months and living together 4 months. I knew after 6 months she was "the one" and trust me for anyone who knows me, I am not he kind of guy to say that! But we fell hopelessly in love, engaged after 9 months and living together after 15months. Whilst we lived apart we didnt argue about her son, I knew the reality of the situation if we moved in together, I would be cementing a future not only with her but with her son, as a family. And I was happy with that, he is a great kid!
The reality of the situation however is setting in somewhat but because we adore each other we want to get over this period but it seems tough!
I dont understand the bond of a parent to a child, not being a father myself. This comes across sometimes in the way that the child is regarded by me. I often dont judge situations well, I misinterpret his behaviour as attention seeking but his mum sees it has "him just needing some love". Then we will argue about it, me saying "you are too soft" and her responding "I have to stick up for him, who else will". The boys dad moved away and had minimal conatct with him. So she sees herself as the only one legally and morally responsible for him.
What I want is to agree together on rules and stick to them, whoever is with the child at any particular time. I want what is best for us all. I feel that our relationship is suffering a bit because we have a daily fall out about the child. Dont get me wrong I love him to bits and I have invested a lot of time in to him and I think he loves me bac (he says so).
Every time I suggest that his naughty behaviour is down to attention seeking and playing us off against each other (which it is often, I had younger brothers and I can see that it is just 4 year old tantrums) she jumps to his defence because he cant defend himself. I want us to stand together as a team. But, it seems to be they are a team of two and I am the outsider in the house!
I would never ask her to choose me over him, it is not about that.
But does it sound like I am just lacking in understanding about the strong bond they share, or should my partner stick with me..... The adults make the rules and we stand together when the child acts up???
Let me know your thoughts (I can provide more detail but this seemsed enough!!!!!)
We have been together around 19 months and living together 4 months. I knew after 6 months she was "the one" and trust me for anyone who knows me, I am not he kind of guy to say that! But we fell hopelessly in love, engaged after 9 months and living together after 15months. Whilst we lived apart we didnt argue about her son, I knew the reality of the situation if we moved in together, I would be cementing a future not only with her but with her son, as a family. And I was happy with that, he is a great kid!
The reality of the situation however is setting in somewhat but because we adore each other we want to get over this period but it seems tough!
I dont understand the bond of a parent to a child, not being a father myself. This comes across sometimes in the way that the child is regarded by me. I often dont judge situations well, I misinterpret his behaviour as attention seeking but his mum sees it has "him just needing some love". Then we will argue about it, me saying "you are too soft" and her responding "I have to stick up for him, who else will". The boys dad moved away and had minimal conatct with him. So she sees herself as the only one legally and morally responsible for him.
What I want is to agree together on rules and stick to them, whoever is with the child at any particular time. I want what is best for us all. I feel that our relationship is suffering a bit because we have a daily fall out about the child. Dont get me wrong I love him to bits and I have invested a lot of time in to him and I think he loves me bac (he says so).
Every time I suggest that his naughty behaviour is down to attention seeking and playing us off against each other (which it is often, I had younger brothers and I can see that it is just 4 year old tantrums) she jumps to his defence because he cant defend himself. I want us to stand together as a team. But, it seems to be they are a team of two and I am the outsider in the house!
I would never ask her to choose me over him, it is not about that.
But does it sound like I am just lacking in understanding about the strong bond they share, or should my partner stick with me..... The adults make the rules and we stand together when the child acts up???
Let me know your thoughts (I can provide more detail but this seemsed enough!!!!!)
Answers
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explain to your partner that you have chosen her and her son to be your family for ever, that, although your not his father you see yourself as his dad, and hope that he feels the same. tell her that you completely understand why she feels that she's the only one who'll stick up for him, but that that's not true anymore as he has you too and you will always be there to support him. tell her you feel lucky that you met "the one" and its a bonus that she has a son you've grown to care about so much. Then, and only when she realises that you're in this for the long haul, explain that, as with your younger siblings when you were young, children can be clever about playing parents off eachother - you need to know whether you're able to reprimand him without her feeling defensive of him. good luck x
Make sure you do not have disagreements about your son, in front of him. Any discussions should be done much later, when he is out at school or asleep in bed. You do need to set some rules which you both can agree to - but it is early days - you say you have only lived together for four months. This is a huge adjustment for this little boy as much as anyone else.
Whether he is your biological son or not (which I think you are focused on) these problems could be happening anyway. Parents do have different styles of parenting, mum generally are closer to their young children than dads, kids do play their parents against each other anyway.
Relax and give it time, this is a huge adjustment for everyone, maybe your wife is feeling overprotective because she is aware of the impact it is having on your son.
As long as you do not have arguments about him, in front of him, and have discussions calmly out of his earshot, I think you could stand back and allow your wife to parent your son (lots of men do), so long as he is not disrespectful to you. In the long term you need to support each other with bringing up this little boy, but you need to agree with each other, and it will take time.
Whether he is your biological son or not (which I think you are focused on) these problems could be happening anyway. Parents do have different styles of parenting, mum generally are closer to their young children than dads, kids do play their parents against each other anyway.
Relax and give it time, this is a huge adjustment for everyone, maybe your wife is feeling overprotective because she is aware of the impact it is having on your son.
As long as you do not have arguments about him, in front of him, and have discussions calmly out of his earshot, I think you could stand back and allow your wife to parent your son (lots of men do), so long as he is not disrespectful to you. In the long term you need to support each other with bringing up this little boy, but you need to agree with each other, and it will take time.
I have no advice really, just wanted to say hang in there, it's sounds like you have a great family set up, kids can rock the boat when both parents are living together, it's just family life. His mum will defend him as I would mine, when my OH tells our kids off my hackles go right up and I'm ready to spit feathers but the poor sod is only doing what I'd do myself, I have to really rein myself in as I know it's unreasonable.
I understand where you're coming from, my OH has the same difficulties with myself and my son at times (very similar situation).
It's great that you want to work as a team, and I hope you can have a good discussion about it when you have some time together.
But even if you do agree there will still be times you don't see the situation the same way and you will have to plan for that too, good luck.
It's great that you want to work as a team, and I hope you can have a good discussion about it when you have some time together.
But even if you do agree there will still be times you don't see the situation the same way and you will have to plan for that too, good luck.
I would not have classed myself as a patient and understanding father figure a couple of years ago. I am learning and want to be because I care so deeply for my partner. I am bonding with the little guy so much too. But at times it becomes very cleasr to me that they were a family before me and are there own little team. But we need to develop into a new team of 3. This wont happen overnight I know. Good to know others are like me. The role of step parent is tough but I am not going to quit even though it would take a huge chunk of stress away, I want it to work!
Good for you. My OH have been part of our family now for 8 years, since my boy was 7, so you can get there.
There are still times we don't agree though, as they go through different ages and all that comes with it. But I consider that fairly normal for any family, everyone parents differently and has different views.
There are still times we don't agree though, as they go through different ages and all that comes with it. But I consider that fairly normal for any family, everyone parents differently and has different views.
I grew up as a stepson (dad was killed in WW2) and I NEVER bonded with my stepfather - sometimes that happens and there's nothing you can do about it.
But do try to see the child's (very limited experience and maturity) point of view. He IS only a child after all, and the world is still at times a very terrifying place.
But do try to see the child's (very limited experience and maturity) point of view. He IS only a child after all, and the world is still at times a very terrifying place.
Canary.
I am very mindful that he has lived in 6 different houses in 4 years. Saw his dad regularly and now very rarely, changed nursery 3 times (not advised but had to be done due to re-location), his mum went from full time mum to employed 30 hours a week, then I arrived on the scene. He is very intellegent and I do take his feelings and opinions on board despite his young age.
I am very mindful that he has lived in 6 different houses in 4 years. Saw his dad regularly and now very rarely, changed nursery 3 times (not advised but had to be done due to re-location), his mum went from full time mum to employed 30 hours a week, then I arrived on the scene. He is very intellegent and I do take his feelings and opinions on board despite his young age.
Firstly, I do not think this is about the parent/child bond. Being a parent isn’t something that happens just because you give birth. Secondly, your OH is lucky to have someone like you who genuinely wants to make it work and sees where the points of conflict lie. I’m no expert and I have had some real ups and downs in the 3 ½ years since I became a step parent. It’s also been the hardest thing I ever did, but one of the most rewarding.
Me and Mr BM often clashed over “discipline” and “behaviour”. I’m probably stricter than he is – he is quite an indulgent dad, but I am probably also fairer and calmer (indeed, the teenager sees this). Perhaps saying “you are too soft” is a red rag to a bull. She may well view that as a direct attack on her parenting skills and you get a defensive reaction. I used to think Mr BM was too soft and when I told him so had it roundly pointed out to me that I am not a parent! Hence we clashed. So when I thought of a slightly different way of dealing with it and asked him to help me learn how to support him and by definition the children we started to make progress since it became a two way discussion rather than a criticism.
I also understand the "outsider" point. In the beginning I almost felt like an intruder into their already settled family unit. I found that quite a difficult one and a strange feeling to handle. From Mr BM’s point of view, he found it difficult letting someone in and trusting them because his instinct was to protect his kids from further hurt. I can’t say when the shift came here, all that I know is that it did.
I think the key here is communication between you and your OH – I don’t think you have anything to worry about not having that “bond” because your heart is in the right place.
Me and Mr BM often clashed over “discipline” and “behaviour”. I’m probably stricter than he is – he is quite an indulgent dad, but I am probably also fairer and calmer (indeed, the teenager sees this). Perhaps saying “you are too soft” is a red rag to a bull. She may well view that as a direct attack on her parenting skills and you get a defensive reaction. I used to think Mr BM was too soft and when I told him so had it roundly pointed out to me that I am not a parent! Hence we clashed. So when I thought of a slightly different way of dealing with it and asked him to help me learn how to support him and by definition the children we started to make progress since it became a two way discussion rather than a criticism.
I also understand the "outsider" point. In the beginning I almost felt like an intruder into their already settled family unit. I found that quite a difficult one and a strange feeling to handle. From Mr BM’s point of view, he found it difficult letting someone in and trusting them because his instinct was to protect his kids from further hurt. I can’t say when the shift came here, all that I know is that it did.
I think the key here is communication between you and your OH – I don’t think you have anything to worry about not having that “bond” because your heart is in the right place.
My husband is in the same situation as you I would say. He came into our lives when my son was 5, and I had been a single parent for a while so it had just been my son and I. And seeing as how his natural father wants very little to do with him I had become both mother and father. So yes my husband often used to say to me that he felt the outsider buut it was never intentional. We are still working on it lol, it isnt always easy but you will get there.
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