27 Year Old Son With No Ambition Or Future Goals

[anjalina43]

Please help..

I have a 27 year old son who still lives at home.  He has had some drug problems in the past but claims that he has kicked the habit.  He has been to a drug rehab at a local hospital twice this past year.  He stays there for a total of 3 -5 days and then they let him go.  He very recently spent 8 days in jail for traffic violations that he received over two years ago and never bothered to show up in court for. He had three seperate warrants for his arrest for these violations that took place in three different towns.  This boy/man? has never  been able to hold down a job and has also been caught stealing from me and other members of my family masny many times in the past.  I attributed this to the drug problem.  He claims he has changed now due to spending 8 days in jail but I already see the same old patterns emerging.  His two younger brothers 24 and 21 are always angry at the fact that their older brother seems to be living at home for free and not working.  I do not give him any money and am constantly on him about finding a job.  His brothers tell me I should throw him out but in all reality I have a hard time throwing my flesh and blood out on the street.  This boy is the root of alot of stress for me right now.  I am a breast cancer survivor and know that I do not need addtional stress like this in my life.  I'm was wondering if you think that what I have described here may be some kind of medical condition.  I have had Attention Deficit Disorder mentioned to me at least once and I know he tested positive for this when he was in third grade.  Any help or information you could give me would be greatly appreciated..

Angela    [email protected] 

[Andy008]

I would engage shock tactics and simply throw him out. At 27 the situation is ridiculous. That you have survived cancer is a feat in itself, you do not need additional stress. I left home at 19, and have been all the better for it. If you don't act now, when? 28, 29, 30, 31,....

Sorry to sound so blunt, but there is no nice way of saying it.

[Solarjunkie]

Trouble is, as a loving mother, you would still have the stress of knowing you had thrown him out & not knowing if he was sinking or swimming.

I feel the best way to make someone realise just how lucky they are in life is for them to spend time with those who are definitely not lucky in life. In the UK there is an organisation called Community Service Volunteers who take volunteers on a 6 to 12 month residential term working in all kinds of situations incuding in mental homes and doing gardening work for the elderly.

My suggestion is to find some sort of voluntary work he can do, whether at a homeless shelter or better still a residential situation where he will be in a different set of circumstances from home. Present this work to him as the only option - he puts real effort into this work, or he is shown the door. Then you will know you have done your best for him and given him options that may set him on the right road. Good luck.

 

[Worried mum]

I dont know the answer but maybe adopt a policy of changing things one thing at a time rather than all at once.
The root problem is that he has no job. You obviously pay for his food etc so even though you give him no money you are supporting him. This has got to change.

Are you a single parent or do you have a partner to back you up? A bit of moral support from someone would help you greatly. You shouldnt feel guilty because you are actually being cruel to be kind. This man cannot live off his mother for the rest of his life.

I would start by giving him an ultimatum such as find a job within 3 months or he's out and however soft you feel inside dont let him see. Make him think you mean it. And you really will have to mean it. after all he is unlikely to become a tramp. You could have a time limit in your own mind, perhaps a month where you will actually let him get on with it and hit rock bottom. But dont let him know that you have a time limit . Thats just so that you will be able to survive.
Im sure hes a perfectly intelligent man and it has been all too easy for him. Does he ever give you anything back, help in the house, affection, the odd bar of choccie or a cup of tea?
Sorry its a bit jumbled up but what I am saying is tackle the problem at the root. He hasnt got a job and therefore no prospect of supporting himself. make that the crux of the problem but dont go on at him about it. Sit down calmly tell him you cannot (a) afford it financially, (b) afford the stress and worry (c) Youve been a good mum but now you want to move on and live your own life. Give him the ultimatum dont argue or get into a slanging match just say your piece and then leave it alone, go out if necessary.
Get your partner, a friend or family member to back you up and give you moral support on this. I am sure those who care about you are concerned about the situation.
Best of luck.

[Scarlett]

Bring back national service!!!

[jean88]

Give him last chance to change or get out. Cant you or your other sons help him find a job, or be a apprentice with a tradesmen? You must tell him no-one can help him unless he is willing to help himself. He must learn to look after himself, hes an adult.

Good luck!