Am I being unreasonable

[Jules001]

My 17 year old son failed the majority of his GCSE's, (not because he isn't bright, he was just lazy with coursework and revision) however he managed to get a place at college on a BTEC computer course. He started off doing very well, then started to let his work slide, as a result he missed out on getting the necessary pass mark to progress onto the next part of the course. He has applied to another college to try and get on the same course, but at the moment we are unsure whether he will get a place or will need to find a job. He has now finished college and wants to slob around the house playing computer games all day or go out with his girlfriend. I think he should be using his time more wisely, ie working on showcase web sites for prospective employers to see or looking for a summer job. I think he should be taking responsibility for not working hard enough at college to secure a place and be actively sorting out his future, so am I being unreasonable?

[hectic]

I'm not a parent and I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all.  If he's not at college or doing anything all day then he should be out looking for a work placement that fits with the course he is doing or just a normal job.  If you are still giving him money to go out I would stop that allowance and tell him that he is quite able to go and earn his own money and that should he go to college only then will you support him financially as it is not fair on you to have to provide for him when he can do it himself.  He'll soon realise when he wants to go out and hasn't got any money to do so.  Hope you get something sorted.

[Worried mum]

You are not being unreasonable. If you let him go on thinking that it is ok to slob around and let you keep him you will not be doing him any favours.
Hes old enough to take responsibility for his actions. If he'd worked harder at college he would have still been there but he didnt so now he has to move on.
He will be able to get a job if he puts his mind to it. My 17 year old has average GCSEs and has managed to get offered 2 jobs.
Believe me it was a struggle to get him to spend time looking for a job but we insisted that he work on getting one. We couldnt afford to keep him financially.
If you son looks on the governments job search website he will find local employers advertising.
Youve got to be cruel to be kind. Be firm. He will find that all his friends are getting jobs too and he will be totally left behind if hes the only one with no money and nothing to do all day.
Good luck.

[twiglet4frog]

tell him that if he doesnt do something productive to get himself onto a course, then u can start to expect rent from him living with u. tell him he has 2 or 3 weeks to either start a course or working cos thats when the rent starts. and if he gets on a course make it clear that he only lives there rent free if he sticks to it until he is 19.

Also, dont do any cooking or washing for him, if u are busy and he is sat on his bum with a controler in his hand he only has his self to blame when all his clothes are dirty on his bedroom floor and his stomach is grumbling. might be a warzone of arguements for a few days as he will be stubborn with u but he will either learn to help out, or do it himself, either way he will learn to be an adult pretty quick

[dmsjps]

It's all so true, Jules, and you are NOT being unreasonable. How can you be unreasonable by expecting him to grow up and act his age? I'm having the same with my son. He's lovely as a person, but he's lazy and he didn't try hard enough in school in the lower 6th. He got all his GCSEs at a minimum C, but then I think he thought that as 6th form was only four subjects to begin with (then he could drop one in the upper 6th if he wanted to), it would be a doddle and an easier option than having to go out to work for a minimum of 8 hours a day. Unfortunately he didn't realise how much time and effort you have to put in and we're not really looking forward to his results from his AS exams.

 

My son knows that if he doesn't pass high enough to continue to the upper 6th he will have to go and get a job. He's dreading it, but then again, he dreads school too, because he still has to get up in a morning for that! I sometimes hate myself for being hard with him, but then I step back and think, 'Well hey, this is real-life now, get used to it!' It's not cruel really because everyone has to grow up and start living in the adult world at some point or other - or as you say, spend all day slobbing around. My son would cheerily do that, but he knows that once his results come through, he's either going back to study or going out to work, no in-betweens.

 

My son enjoys doing all the other almost-grown-up-but-fun stuff that 17 year olds do, so I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for him having to do the work (academically or otherwise) of a 17 year old either. You're doing OK, so don't worry. They're really stressful years as parents, but at least you care, that's what will see him through.

[birgitte]

Perhaps you are not being so unreasonable and you want your son to succeed but at just 17 he will still be unsure about the direction he wants to take in his life. He must be faced with a lot of difficult decisions now and maybe he feels a little pressure from his family all that added to the disappointment of failing his exams. Give him time and I hope his attitude will change.

My result in my Abitur (German exams) was not good but after taking a year out of education I went back to it and my results improved. Now I find myself working in London and enjoying myself very much.