Mum Losing Her Mind

[Cloverjo]

I'm sure there are lots of people on here who have experience of parents losing their minds from dementia or other brain problems. My mum is going this way and I don't know to deal with it yet. I was wondering, if she says something bizarre like - Carol Vorderman gave her her breakfast this morning - is it better to go along with it and ask about Carol or to challenge it and say "don't be silly, mum, she couldn't have."

[ubasses]

I don't think there can be a right way or wrong way to deal with this. I started by saying I would always be honest with my Mum, but in the end it started to distress her so I ended up going along with her. Especially when she talked about deceased family members as it was as if she was hearing about their death for the first time.
I feel for you, there are going to be some tough times ahead, but there will be laughs as well.
Make the most of any help you can get from the professionals.

[Pooka1950]

My late mother had dementia and we were advised to "go along with it". We soon discovered that argueing with her over such statements only caused distress all round. I would advise you to seek medical help as soon as possible. There is no cure as such but I believe that the progress of this dreadful illness can be slowed down. You have my sympathy and best wishes. I think that DTC is currently dealing with this with his mother so he may be able to give you more up to date advice.

[ummmm]

I'd go along with it.

[VHG]

My wife works with people with dementia and tells me about it but I am no expert.

However it seems to me that if your mother BELIEVES that Carol Vorderman gave her breakfast it is best to along with it.

Otherwise you are constantly going to be contradicting your mother, which will not be nice.

Sadly some of the symptoms of dementia can cause people to "see" things that are not there (one of the people my wife worked with kept seeing his brother sitting in a car outside, when they went outside to see the car it was empty but he still insisted the brother was in the car).

Other problems can be the person with dementia forgets who you are so might believe you are a burglar or have come to attack them.

One dementia patient my wife worked with tried to strangle his wife with a seat belt (he was in the back) as he though she was kidnapping him.

So it is best not to argue with dementia patients.

A book called My Bonnie by John Suchet is well worth reading, one of the most amazing books I have ever read. His wife got dementia at a young age. It is a love story, a funny story, and a moving story.

Amazon.co.uk User Recommendation

[Cloverjo]

Thanks, everyone. She is in the last stages of brain cancer and hasn't got long left. Ubasses, you're right about the laughs. It sounds horrible but sometimes I can't help it. She says some crazy things and it's impossible not to laugh despite the terrible situation she's in.

[Cloverjo]

Thanks too, VHG. You posted while I was writing the previous post. I guess it doesn't matter whether it's brain tumours or dementia. They affect the brain in a similar way. Will read the book. I remember him talking about his wife and he had to drag her out to some red carpet event. She looked completely bewildered. I'll go along with whatever my mum says. Seems like the easiest way. Thanks again everyone.

[sandyRoe]

Go along with it. I recently changed my sister's bedroom door lock so that whoever I gave the house keys to can't come in and steal her possessions.

[Pooka1950]

Cloverjo I did not know about your mother's existing illness. You have my sincere sympathy, losing your mother is very hard, the best you can hope for is a peaceful end so I would definitely go along with her delusions.

[jackthehat]

My F-i-L has Vascular Dementia which has progressed quite quickly. He recognises his wife, but only as a familiar and friendly face.....he asks her many times a day who she is and whether she is married.

She patiently explains who she is and tells him about their children (one deceased and one in a mental institution) which causes her great upset every single time.

We have tried to make her understand that the only person in distress during these exchanges is 'her'. She needs to give brief answers without much detail and move on to something else because it's not like he holds onto the information she gives him, anyway.

I'd go along with whatever is said, make interested enquiries and just let your Mum talk......you need to conserve your mental energies for the 'big-stuff' and not deplete your reserves by battiling with her.

I wish you all the best. :o)

[Cloverjo]

Thanks to last contributors. Isn't AB lovely sometimes? I do appreciate your time and thoughts.

[sddsddean]

As said, we go along with most things with my mother in law. The only thing we try and refute is that she is convinced that my wife and I are splitting up, selling the house and she is living with another guy. No idea where this has come from!! She has Lewy Body dementia which is prone to lots of hallucinations. Her normal one is a 'naughty girl' who hides things, so my MIL hides things so the girl can't find them...and nor can we! Worst one has been someone trying to strangle her with barbed wire. We know one guy who has alligators in his room, but its OK; they are friendly alligators! You just have to go with it and accept that in general it is a really *** time and you just have to cherish the 'lucid' moments. Some people just can't handle it. My brother in law hasn't been to see his Mum for a couple of years as he just can't cope...bit selfish really, but then he always has been. Hope all goes well and don't be afraid to ask for help. It is all very stressful.

[DTCwordfan]

You have to choose your moments, cleverjo....as you may be finding the mental slide down is not a straight linear line, as well as loopy moments. they can have their lucid moments. You have to judge it whether the act of telling them can help set the reset button....for example, we had to do this recently with my mother.

She was having a nap and heard the phone go off at 5.50pm (a friend for me calling) and read it as 5.50am, cussing like mad that someone had the audacity to call at that time of day. She was totally convinced it was morning.

We were due out for a family dinner and she started digging in, adamant that it was 6am and not getting up. Eventually I got her down to the telly to see the 24 hour clock there, she wasn't convinced by that - then my sister called (me having called her about it) and told her it was 6.15pm now, that she had it wrong, and she would see her in an hour......that did the trick.

Otherwise, let them ramble and the best way out is to ask an open question about something else and move on.

Hope this helps and if you need some further advice as best I can, you are welcome to have my temp e-mail....there are a few on here that hopefully I have helped. I am keeping a diary of progress as to a book about Dementia - from a carer's perspective, tips, resources, some of the humour involved etc etc

[DTCwordfan]

Just one more general one while I am on, you may, or may not, find a regression back towards childhood, their inner memories still holding that.

My mother is convinced that she wants to head back to Camborne, her home town. In practice, she couldn't wait to get out of the place because of her over-bearing father and in being a single child. London for teaching college at 17 and then marrying my father at 19, he coming from the northwest which she moved to. When she goes into a starry-fantasy land about this, I remind her of the history and that she wanted to get away - and did....not disparagingly so I hasten to add, but it usually gets to the reset.

[pixie373]

Hi cloverjo, I agree with everyone else, especially dt's post. There isn't any advantage in trying to bring them into "your world", you need to go to theirs. Reassure her if she is getting distressed about something. You can gently correct her then
..
As carers, we are also advised to distract, rather than agreeing- as going along with things that are obviously untrue can end up being more confusing if they have more lucid moments- or if other family members then contradict it.
Look for the hints- the underlying words and emotions to see whether she needs reassurance, wants a chat, etc etc. There are lots of people on AB with experience of this. So do ask anything you need to. I wish you both all the best xx

[gness]

Clover.....I can't add to the great advise you have had......I can however empathise.....I am in exactly the same position and it took me ages to stop challenging my mum.

I know now I was trying to somehow change or stop her illness...If I could get her to laugh and say.....Oh, you're right....Terry Wogan isn't on his uppers so I won't need to send him a cheque.... I would have got a little of her back.

But it never worked...... So I agreed that we all send Mr Wogan some money..... And I'll be whoever she thinks I am on the days I visit..... it makes no difference to her and I get less frustrated......well just a little.

It's so sad..... Gx

[Mick-the-Miller]

My mum started to have problems with things like using the telephone. I programmed in commonly used numbers in and marked the handset with the single buttons to press etc - she constantly got into a muddle and said I'd never shown her how to do it - when I said I had she would call me a liar - I found this very hurtful and upsetting.

This happened over and over again and I gradually found it best to go along with her to avoid the upset, similar things happened about using the TV remote but you just put things right and carry on.

My Mum's been gone for five years now but I still wish I could have done more for her - I did my best that's all you can really do!

[DTCwordfan]

Absolutely, Mick, that's all you can do. Early on, we went through the theft phase here, the disarming one being, 'Let's bring the police in then - as you won't even find my fingerprint on your door.' No issues with that now but it does upset you until you have it well-rationalised.

[Sparkles62]

I quite often work with dementia patients and we are always told that we must not lie to them,
My friends Mum had dementia quite bad, I knew her very well and spent a lot of time with her,met her a few years before her daughter moved here.
in the last few years , she thought that I was her dead daughter, and didn't recognise my friend at all, She would get really upset if I tried to tell her who I really was, so in the end, my friend told me to just go with it.
Towards the end, we would visit her and she would point at her daughter and say to me , who is she, what do you keep bringing her for?
It was very sad, in the end, my friend would sit in the car and refuse to go in, and I would visit her Mum alone,
Its very very upsetting for the families of the dementia sufferers, but the the patients themselves always seem to be very happy in their own little worlds and completely oblivious to any upset. X

[Pooka1950]

Sorry Sparkles but my poor dear Mum was certainly not "happy in her own little world". She was confused and frightened of the imaginary woman who kept coming into the house and stealing her clothes and also of her husband of 60 years who she often did not recognise.

[DTCwordfan]

You are right, sparkles, but sometimes I think families make it difficult for themselves by hardly ever visiting, certainly not enough, and then being 'upset' when they see/experience the changes. If they were there more often, the change is more of a gradual one and, hence, more 'acceptable, ' the changes being more incremental than step ones.