How To Deal With Miscarriage

[Jenarry]

I was 12-13 weeks pregnant and started bleeding at the weekend .
After having an emergency scan on Tuesday the Dr found baby of 7 weeks but no heartbeat so baby had stopped developing some weeks ago.I went to the scan on my own so got news on my own and had a few hours at home alone in the afternoon to think about it and there was a lot of tears. :O(
I miscarried baby naturally later on tuesday evening which was all very awful. if anyone has been through you will know what I mean.
I went back to hospital yesterday lunchtime and they have confirmed that miscarriage was complete and that I don't need any help medically although emotional support is available if I need it.
Baby was planned and we are hoping to try again as soon as we can .
My emotions feel torn though-I am grieving for what should have been our new arrival next march but part of me keeps thinking that it was only a few weeks old and for whatever reason wasn't meant to be.
I don't know why but the thought that baby probably stopped being around 5 weeks ago upsets me too -that for over a month I thought I was carrying a little one and it wasn't really there and why didn't I know this.
I also find myself looking back at 5 weeks ago to see if it's something i did that caused this-the long day of bike riding we had or the long brisk walk or the boozy night out I had earlier on before I knew I was pregnant.
I know that it was probably nothing to do with any of these but still find myself thinking about it.
I am planning on going back to work next monday but I am dreading it a little as my work colleague is pregnant and just a few weeks along from what i was so has bump to show for it and I'm not sure how that will be for me having a reminder all the time. :O(

[seekeerz]

Jenarry I understand your feelings completely having been in the same situation (Albeit many years ago ) and I imagine many others will also feel your pain.

Nothing can be gained by nearing yourself up over what you might have done back then, quite often whe this happens its 'for the best' ....nature knows better than we do when things are not quite right and she deals with it in her own way.

Don't look back, look forward to the time when you can start on your next pregnancy which will bring you both joy xxxxx

[ummmm]

I went through it a couple of years ago. At 14 weeks I started bleeding and had what I thought was a miscarriage. Sent for an emergency scan and the baby was still there. Apparently he/she died at 12 weeks. Sent home to wait to either miscarriage fully or wait a week for an appointment to have an evacuation. The longest week of my life. Just knowing you're walking round with a dead baby inside you is completely heartbreaking.

All I can say is Time, time makes it less painful.

xxx

[jno]

highly unlikely that you did anything wrong. On the other hand, it's quite likely that the baby wasn't developing normally. An O&G man told me he thought a third of all pregnancies ended this way, with Mother Nature taking care of irregularities, many of them before the mother was even aware she was pregnant.

It's natural to grieve, even for the unborn. This site may help you

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a4006/coping-with-a-miscarriage

[scorpiojo]

So sorry, Jenarry. Support here:
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/

[boxtops]

Jenarry - please don't beat yourself up about this. I've been where you are, and it's a sad time - but in the great majority of miscarriages, the mother has done nothing at all to bring it about. There may have been something the matter with the baby, or a hiccup with the placenta, or anything - it's a perfectly natural process that some babies don't go to term. Mourn your little one, but on the other hand, look on it as evidence that you can conceive, it's a positive in a strange way, and that's the way I looked at it - to have conceived after several years of trying. You can do it, you'll do it again when you're ready. Your grieving is natural, and although you won't forget, you and your husband will be OK - it must be hard for him too.

Regarding your colleague - she's going to feel uncomfortable. My SIL and my friend were both pregnant at the time I miscarried and they felt awful that their babies were OK. You will be fine, though - and we are here if you need to talk.

Jenarry, please don't also let this sad event influence your thoughts about the troubles you have elsewhere in your family, don't feel that you now can help out in that direction just because you might now have "capacity" - your little family can and will get through this. The stress of all the other things going on can't have helped your frame of mind in recent weeks.

I wish you well, please keep talking to us if you feel the need :-)

[Jenarry]

I reassure myself with that it's nature's way of dealing with something that wasn't quite right.
I have been feeling a bit anxious as we are older parents both in our early 40's so I have been wanting the 12 week scan so much to confirm all was okay .(it was booked for monday but we had to reschedule due to work commitments and I'm so glad we didn't find out that way)
The nurse tells me although it could be our age miscarriage can happen to anyone at any age and there is no reason it will happen next time.
I almost feel like I want to draw a line under it today ,to stop thinking about it,that it wasn't meant to be ,that is that and try again but it feels a bit cold. :O(

[ummmm]

And like Boxy mentions....my OH was absolutely devastated (he doesn't have his own biological children) and when he found out that I was putting a brave face on so I didn't upset him it upset him even more.

xxx

[boxtops]

It's not cold, jenarry - everyone will deal with something like this in their own way, and if that helps you, to draw the line, then you do it.

It's the dealing in a few days' time with well-meaning friends which can be difficult.... but if you are positive, and you feel OK, then say so. I was low for a couple of weeks, but then I was able to move on.

Are you sure that going back on Monday is a good idea, though? you're giving yourself less than a week, and you might find it's emotional going back so soon. I'd suggest you leave it a few days longer, but only you can know if you are ready to face the world :-)

[ummmm]

Jen....I'm 41 now. I had two miscarriages in my 20s. I had a really healthy lifestyle. It can happen to anyone xx

[Jenarry]

Thankyou Boxtops. That is very kind advice. I had the social worker of my family members ringing me on tuesday afternoon after I'd had my news which was really bad timing. :O( me,my hubby and my parents had decided at the weekend that we can't take on my brother's baby when it comes and that hard to make decision hasn't changed. :O(

[andy-hughes]

Jenarry

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Obviously I cannot empathise in the way that other posters are (sadly) able to, but I would add my voice to theirs in wishing you the very best for your future, and the hope that your next conception will be trouble free.

In the mean time, mixed feelings are a natural part of the grieving process - and that is what you are in at the moment.

Rationally your mind knows that this was for the best, and you could do nothing to prevent it. But emotionally, you grieve for your loss, and that presents conflcting feelings.

Your grief will pass in time, but don;t try and push it away. Give yourself time and space to cry if you need to, until you yourself come to terms and are able to carry on.

A part of you will always think what could have been, and again that is natural.

My very best for the future, immediate and distant - thinking of you x.

[Jenarry]

It had all just happened so easily.We fell pregnant according to the dates on honeymoon when we had only just started trying(that is how I fell pregnant with my son 1st time around-really quickly) .
It all felt so right and everything was perfect. :O(
I am going to see how I feel about work.
I feel ok physically apart from the odd very sharp pain but I don't think being at home for day after day is going to help.just need to know that I can give work my full attention.

[Jenarry]

Thankyou andy and everyone for your kind words.I will take one day at a time and do what feels right for us.
I just found myself telling our postlady as my hubby told her i was poorly yesterday and she was asking. what was that about! I'm usually a very private person and it was obviuosly to much information and made her feel awkward. Damn. :/

[DTCwordfan]

As some one who has been through five of them as a partner, including one ectopic, you become resilient to them, Jenarry. Around 14 weeks is very common - the way we looked at it was that it's Mother Nature's way of saying ' not everything is right here, so I think we need to abort naturally and move on.'

I hate to say it, there could be more down the line but take heart, most of us end up with healthy offspring as we did, and two delights in their different ways as well, four years apart from each other.

[DTCwordfan]

Oh, and watch your OH..., as ummmm said, hers was more upset than she, I was possibly the same and we men can bottle it up in supporting you gals.

[roopower]

My heart goes out to you, Jenarry, as the same thing happened to me many years ago when I was 36. I went on to have a very healthy boy so there is every possibility you will have a lovely baby in time. You've had a lot of posts from ladies who've sadly been through the same trauma and everyone handles it differently - there is no right or wrong way, only the way that is best for you. Unfortunately you may meet the same type of people I did who think they are saying things to make you feel better, when, in fact, they couldn't be more wrong. I was lucky as I already had a beautiful daughter, I had several well meaning people suggest that I couldn't carry a boy. Were they wrong! Do as you are, take each day as it comes, life will become easier but you won't forget,I think of my lost baby around August every year. Take care, a lot of people are thinking of you and your husband/partner,don't forget he is grieving too, quite often the men get forgotten. X

[Jenarry]

Thankyou Dtc and I'm sorry you have had to go through this so many times. :O( . I have been forgetting about my hubby a little such as in hospital yesterday the 2 nurses who looked after us and advised us asked me if I had any questions at the end of our appointment but they didn't ask him and I realised later and felt bad for him.
I have asked him and during conversations he does seem to be ok and accepting that this has happened for a reason and we can try again when we are ready.
I don't think he wants either of us to dwell on it too much which is ok for me and I'm sure he will talk/hug/help if I need it.

[Jenarry]

I will be keeping an eye on him though.

[pixie373]

I'm really sorry xx

I also had two in my 20s, but have had four babies since. It isn't anything you've done, or anything you could prevent. Give yourself some time- everything you've said sounds perfectly natural. Not much I can say to make you feel better, but my thoughts are with you xx

[ummmm]

The men get ignored. When I went in for the op the nurse cuddled me (we'd had an emotional phone call previously) and when the surgeon came he held my hand. He asked if I had any children and when I said I had 3 he replied 'That's not too bad then' Like my childless OH was there.

I'm a crier....I always think that crying helps. 1) it gets the emotions out and 2) Everyone else knows how you feel.

When my shop keeper heard what had happened he gave a box to my son to give to me. Chocolates, wine and tissues. Very touching.