Who Would Get Custody Of The Children?

[shivvy]

I understand that legal decisions vary from situation to situation but I am asking for some general info, if that is possible, on behalf of a friend.
She is married and has 2 boys. Her marriage isn't good, her husband treats her terribly and she knows that she needs to leave. However she is very concerned that she will lose custody of her children. I would love to get a steer on the likelihood of how a court would decide if her husband challenged her taking the children. Her husband has been employed in a good job for many years and is always good with the boys. My friend has been out of work since she suffered severe post natal depression following the birth of her first child. She has been through therapy and has put herself through a lot of personal development which has made her much stronger and the depression seems to be well under control. However how is her history of mental health problems likely to impact on a court re awarding the kids to her? I know that mums are often favoured over dads in terms of custody (although I know this is often very unfair for many many men) but will her mental health history be so significant that it might mean that she cannot keep the kids? Also, where is the best place for her to go for advice about this? She doesn't have any money to pay a solicitor. In fact she doesn't even have access to any money because her husband puts the family allowance into an account in his name and she has no access to it. Any/all advice would be great. Thanks.

[andy-hughes]

I am sorry to read about your friend's situation.

You don't mention the ages of the boys, but you are right - most cases, a court will favour custody with the mother.

That said, all cases are individual. Your friend should contact the Citizens' Advice Bureau for some advice, and also her local council for contact for appropriate support services.

[atalanta]

A court would probably refuse custody of the children to their mother only if it was convinced that letting her have them would do the children harm. Their father may claim this, if he is vindictive, but there would have to be some notable history of harm to the children.

[shivvy]

Thanks for your answers andy and atalanta.

The boys are approx 9 and 12. And there have never been any concerns re the welfare of the children.
However my friend was very ill with the PN depression and had to be hospitalised as I believe she was deemed to be a risk to herself. After she was discharged from the hospital her husband was told that he had to manage her medications and although she now does this herself more than capably, her medical records would still state that he does this for her. Indeed they would probably reflect her abilities and state of mind from a number of years ago and would not be an accurate assessment of how capable she is now. How much would a court rely on medical notes or would they request an up to date assessment?

I fear that her husband would be very vindictive. He is nasty enough now but if she were to leave him he would make it very difficult for her. And unfortunately it wouldn't all be about the boys. He comes from a very well known and religious family and it would be very much frowned upon and shame would be brought to the family if he was to be separated/divorced. I suspect that he would definitely want to portray her as an incapable unbalanced woman.

[EDDIE51]

At 12 a child is deemed capable of deciding for themselves which parent they want to live with if the parents are separated. My granddaughter is 12 and has decided she wants to stay with her dad, but see her Mum at weekends and school holidays.

[lcg]

mental health history will mean nothing at all in a divorce case, unless there has been some form of neglect or abuse of the children (i work in mental health so know what i am talking about). this does not mean that poor functioning whilst mentally unwell will mean it is taken as either of those things - that is a normal part of having a mental health issue. if the kids are happy, healthy and are not 'of concern' to social services at the momeent, she has nothing to worry about. her hubby/ex may use her mental health issues to fling some horseshit to get his own way, but any judge worth their salt (and that is most) will see straight through it and see him for what he is doing.......so please tell your friend she has nothing to worry about. being a risk to herself because her hormones wee very squiffy is not the same thing as being a risk to older children when there are no problems in the present - she took meds, did therapy and grew as a person, so i suspect there will be little concern, but she needs to be aware it may be discussed, and plan towards what she can say about this period in her life.

even if her hubby cares for her in some way (e.g. sorts out her medication) it does not mena she is tied to him for life. the mental health team or gp she sees will have to sort out how that will be managed by someone else if she is not able to do that. principally, as long as the risk to the children is minimal; there will not be any signs of current abuse/neglect' and there is not a good probability of it happening in the future, then she does not need to fret about this. plan for discussing it, plan for needing support and talk about what is happening - that is what will matter. the more honest she is abut her needs, the better.

[lcg]

i am sooooo sorry for all the spelling mistakes - i have a new computer and the keys seem to be made of, well, spuds! i also wanted to add that if her partner is mean and vindictive, then it will show in court, however careful he thinks he is being. she must remain calm, polite and honest about her past and current circumstances and accept any help offered through the process. it is never easy,, nor simple, but can be done. also, living with somebody under the circumstances described will also be bad for her mental health long-term and leaving him and becoming her own person might just be the best thing she could do. there is more to life sometimes than the things that feel safe and familiar, yet also cause inherent pain. wish her luck for me x

[shivvy]

Thanks Eddie.
And thanks so much lcg. Everything you have said is so very reassuring. And you are so right about her living under those circumstances. She is a brilliant mum, has fought for her kids educational needs successfully, is fully aware of her background and how she never wants to become so seriously ill again. She knows that her progression towards full mental health will never be possible while living with him. It causes her great sadness that her marriage may be over but she sees that he is treating her so badly - I could write a book on how awful he (and his friends) are to her, But she is just petrified of losing the boys. Hopefully your advice will help her take the next step. Thanks again.

[Stargazer]

Why don't you consider printing off this entire correspondence so she can read what has been written.