Death Of My Mom , Me Involved In Other Girls In Her Last Days, Not Saving Enough , Regret To Be Lil Violent Against My Mom And Not Giving Time, How Far Am I A Bad Child And How Far Should I Be Blamed. What Do I Do To Fix This Feeling In Me Of Guilt/pain?

[pm007]

I used to earn around 25 k for 3 years , I was new to my working life , never had any girlfriends before. I'm 26 now and lost my mom for diabetics , I regret to have not used my time and money wisely to save more money to provide her better medical help and spending on multiple girlfriends(for sex and some manhood esteem of girls saying they love me, I never really loved them).

My mom was ill for 4 days, I had a medical insurance covered for her, she denied to go see a doc and get admitted, I was like one more day if the health appears low we would go to the doc , she agreed, that night when she breathed her last . It was under 10 mins her blood sugar dropped , she was concious until I got dinner , but by the time I could go get it to her bed under 10 min she lost her senses and died right infront of me.

It kills me till date for spoiling my career ( I had planned of some courses to increase my ctc earlier 3 years back before falling in for my interest to make female freinds) , I regret for not giving proper time to my mom(Basic 30 min of day or week atleast where I spoke heart to heart with her) , for shouting at her , she was bedridden , i used to chnage her diapers , one or twice I shouted in pain and agony with so much of hate in my face that Id kill her unable to move and remover her diapers , but later apologized that I lost my cool and I really loved her

My mom never asked for any gifts , nver complained for no time no meds in time or anything else for that matter and I feel although I did make her bath , changed her diapers , took care of her food , I never actually gave my best and could have saved her by not being so involved in some bitches who needed to trade money and my mental peace for sex and at the cost of my career and not giving my best to my mom

Please advice if I killed my mom or how far should I be punished or felt guilty or considered liable of bad conduct ... my mom always loved me even after my harsh behaviour , but I hardly got time for her and never did say much love or consoling words to her in the last 8 months of her bed ridden time

Im an indian and its an indian context , my dad died when I was kid , my mom raised me all alone pls pls do advice Im 26 years now

[pixie374]

Pm007, what's done is done and guilt will make no difference now to anybody except you. It isn't helpful. If you really believe you need to make some changes, do. But blame and guilt are irrelevant now x

[jourdain2]

As Pixie said. You can't change things, you know how you went wrong. You will live with that,sorry. You can, however, honour your mum (and she will know, I believe) by changing your ways and living as she would have wished you to live; and, eventually, raising grandchildren whom she would have loved and been proud of. Very much hope that this helps you a little. :)

[Canary42]

Stop beating yourself up - it's gone and you can't get it back.

By all means let it guide your future behaviour if you think that will help.

Guilt is very common after bereavement, so don't let that overcome you. You did NOT kill your Mum, and deserve NO punishment.

[Theland]

You need counselling from friends and doctor, and listen to the advice above.

[Mamyalynne]

Guilt is often a large part of grief regardless of how we handle things - you may have made mistakes,we all do but the important thing is to accept that they are done.

With support you will learn to move on and make a better life as your Mum would dearly have wanted for you.

[Old_Geezer]

Each day can be a new start. Learn from the past, be better now as a result.