Conveying Cancer News To An Adult Daughter

[unigirl]

A very dear friend of mine has four adult children. They are all aware that he has had prostate cancer for a number of years. However, one of the children, a married daughter, aged 34, has not spoken to him since April this year due to an unrelated dispute. Last week he was informed by his urologist that his prostate cancer had spread to his hip, groin and lymph nodes and he would need radiotherapy and maybe chemotherapy as a matter of urgency. Prostap jabs are now ineffective. The three other children have been brought up to speed about the cancer, but right now he has no idea how to break the news to the daughter concerned.
He doesn't want to speak to her and intends texting her about the matter as he's been severely affected by her offensive attitude towards him in April.
Could anyone suggest a means of starting this conversation by text? The three other children have always considered that their sister has acted in an unforgivable manner but he doesn't want to keep their sister out of the loop. The other children agree she should be told but are at a loss as to how to approach it.
Thank you.

[Hopkirk]

Get the children to do it

[Buenchico]

Here's roughly what I'd write (although,to be honest, I'd rather send a proper letter or make a phone all):

"Hi, [name]. I'm sorry that we've had our differences in the past but, as my cancer has now progressed a bit and there's a chance that I might not be around for much longer, I'd really love to hear from you and hope that we become friends again".

I wouldn't go into any more detail at that stage but simply wait to see if I got a response.

However I'll mention here that I was also diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer, that had spread to my bones and my lymph nodes, two and a half years ago but I'm not pushing any daisies up yet. So your friend might well still be around for quite some time to come ;-)

[andy-hughes]

Tricky.

Something like - "I am sorry we are not in touch at the moment, but I have to convey some important news to you ...

and go from there.

Hopefully there may be a reconciliation under the circs.

[Bazile]

Sorry to hijack your thread .

Can I just ask Chris a question

I Believe you had your prostate removed .

Is this a usual course of action , given that your cancer had spread to your bones and lymph nodes ?

[Buenchico]

[With apologies to Unigirl]:

I had my prostate reduced, Baz.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/transurethral-resection-of-the-prostate-turp/
It was only when they examined the tissue that was removed during that procedure that they discovered my cancer. They got the biopsy results on a Monday and discussed them at a case conference that day. I was called in to be given the news on the Tuesday, given an MRI scan on the Wednesday and a CT scan on the Friday, with everything moving extremely quickly from there on.

If the tests had shown that the cancer hadn't spread, removal of my prostate would have been an option (although it's apparently much harder to do after the TURP procedure) but it wasn't considered appropriate once the extent of the problem was known.

[Bazile]

Thanks for clarifying Chris

[unigirl]

Thank you all. As I understand it, my friend is keen not to make any contact sound like an excuse to contact her after all these months given the way she treated him. Her siblings have all made clear that she should be told but she has a partner who is adamant she has done no wrong and my friend doesn't want them to gloat over this.
I just don't know how to advise him for the best. I'd agree it's a tricky situation as Andy says. My friend doesn't want to put this in the hands of her siblings as it could cause a right rumpus for them in the future and leave him open to further criticism.

[bednobs]

your friend always has another option ... to not tell her. Just because all the siblings think it's the correct thing to do doesnt mean it's the correct thing for him

[jno]

I was thinking that, bednobs, but it does say he doesn't want her kept out of the loop, though he doesn't want to actually speak to her.

My own reaction would probably to forget about her (and delete her from my will); then again I can't imagine falling out with my child like that.

[unigirl]

Thank you both for your advice. He's wary that if she got to know about it via social media or gossip etc in the coming months, all hell might break lose between her siblings and herself and he doesn't want that for them.
All her siblings are decent people but I can't help but think that they are trying to protect themselves to some extent from any backlash in advising that she is told. My friend is of the same opinion.

[bednobs]

what is he hoping to gain by telling her - a reconciliation?

[davebro]

If the (other) children think the sister should be told maybe one of them should tell her. Then the father/daughter (non) relationship can remain as is unless both decide otherwise.

[Hopkirk]

That's sort of what I said.

[unigirl]

No, he doesn't want a reconciliation. He just considers that she should be informed of the seriousness of his condition. She has done so much damage to his feelings that if he could, he would not tell her at all. However, he's fond of the five grandchildren she has provided him with but is aghast that that the grandchildren are no longer speaking to him either since this happened. She has effectively denied contact with his grandchildren which is what hurts him most I think.

[Canary42]

If she's cut all contact then having made her bed, she must lie in it.

Your friend should shed his feelings of obligation, and as the other children think she should be told, why don't they get on and do it.

[jno]

Canary, I think because it's his health, not theirs to talk about. He owns his cancer, so to speak, and has the right to suggest (though not to demand) that they do or don't tell other people.

[Canary42]

Hmmm, good point jno.

[jno]

my own OH having recently died of something I hadn't even been told about, I can say this is very painful. But I do accept that people have a right to confideintality about their health.