All A Bit Nebulous, But Could Do With Opinions

[jourdain2]

Daughter, not quite divorced (but living separately from husband, who has shacked up with another woman and sired a baby son) obviously has an arrangement where her kids spend time with their dad & sleep over occasionally.

I never could like him (although I never said anything until he left her after numerous illicit liaisons) and so have to be careful about my reactions to what I've heard today.

We took her dog (who has spent a couple of weeks with us whilst she and the kids had a few days away) back.  No kids around - visiting their dad - so we could talk freely.

She has worries about grandson (14) who appears to be being groomed towards cannabis by an ex-pupil at his school - on a 'county line'.  We think we've worked out a safety-response, it's not that. In course of conversation it came out that my daughter has suspicions (in fact it seems to be as definite as one can be) that her husband and his new woman were using cocaine not long ago.  Now that she(J)has a baby, my daughter thinks that this has ceased - but we don't know.

Now I know that my granddaughter (12) and grandson (14) are visiting a house where hard drugs have been/are used...... what can/should I do, please? Bear in mind that I don't want to alienate daughter by 'interfering/using knowledge given in confidence'.

Daughter is a teacher in same school as her children and can bring alerts to the fore.  I just feel that if I keep silent I am possibly complicit in exposing the children to illegal drug-use.  But I don't know for sure.

This is a nightmare - I was offered some cannabis in the 1960's, said 'No thanks' and that was that.  Still feel a bit guilty about not 'shopping' the person.  Not something that has  ever touched our family - although I've dealt with it on a professional level.

As said - opinions please.  If it's 'Keep your nose out', then so be it.... but they are my grandchildren.  Thanks for reasoned responses. 😐

[elliemay1]

I don't think there's much you can do at the minute. Just be there for your daughter when she needs you. She knows the situation and I'm sure she will make sure that her children won't come to any harm

[Khandro]

I was just going to bed & stumbled on this omg! I've read through it twice & hope my brain is still functioning.

Am I right in thinking that your 2 grandchildren normally live with your daughter, but the worry is that they visit their father & his girlfriend at a house where there are drugs? and you think the grandson has a tendency towards cannabis already?

[Khandro]

Re, the boy, all you can do is talk to him.

https://keyhealthcare.com/how-to-stop-my-teenager-from-smoking-marijuana/

I know you don't like your ex-son in law, but I doubt that he would introduce them to hard drugs.

 

[Barsel]

Jourdain // Not something that has ever touched our family - although I've dealt with it on a professional level.//

Is there nothing you can use that you have learnt about on a professional level?

 

[Ellipsis]

I hate marijuana and always have, but it is very common now among kids. Cocaine is a different matter and is the one you ought to be focused on first. Have a chat with your daughter about her suspicions in more detail, and then after that it might be time for you - or someone - to confront your son-in-law and make it clear that he can't be associated with cocaine in any way if he wants to spend time with your grandchildren.

[jourdain2]

Thank you all who have responded.  Update.

As a teacher in and around Bradford, I became familiar with the drugs-in-schools issues and so is my daughter.  I am now fairly confident that this side of things is going through the proper channels and is being dealt with at a top level.  

Grandson had not started on that path, thank goodness.  It was a matter of luck really that we found out.  Last Monday, he refused to go back to school - making pathetic excuses. Severe sanctions were invoked including removing his phone, X-box etc..  The phone told the story and he now has a very limited number of contacts which are allowed on it - it is otherwise firmly locked.  He was very unsure t.b.h. and is aware of the dangers so I think that that area is closed and action is being taken by the school - which had already expelled the pupil concerned.

The other thing is horrible and far harder to deal with.  I feel as if my daughter's very unwise marriage has plunged us into a horrible, alien world.  She admitted to me that many years ago she had sometimes smoked cannabis - although that was well before she first became pregnant.  I feel stunned and shocked, but it does explain a lot of her old antagonism...... I trusted her, of course.

Yes, Khandro, you've read the situation correctly.  Trouble is that I don't often see my grandson - I live just over an  hour away.  He is aware of the principles I and the rest of his family live by and, given the chance I have the arguments I need and he is not unintelligent (very bright in fact ) but a bit of an oddity, sort of kid who gets bullied.

Ellipsis, s-in-law moved house a few months ago and I don't know where he now lives. (It will be within 5 miles of daughter).

It never, ever crossed my mind that he might be using drugs.  Now I know that he did - but just don't know if it has continued. I just don't want my grandchildren in that house - but they have to be allowed time with their father!  Otherwise he is respectable.

Unless I tell the police and they find drugs (may not) - there will be no grounds for my interfering and telling s-in-law to keep away.... he's always insisted on his 'rights' with his kids.

I appreciate the comments and thoughts from everyone. As I've said, my grandson is an oddity, but he is intelligent and can see that there are different ways of living.  Daughter is now also very much on  the alert and know she has my backing.  It's so frustrating - I wish the divorce would get  done ..... they had the nisi, then lockdown happened and everything went out of date and so the absolute never followed on......  :(

 

 

[Khandro]

I'm pleased your daughter is 'on the case' you shouldn't be 'stunned and shocked' by your her revelations about her younger days; experimenting with alcohol and puffing on the odd joint is a rite of passage in growing up.

If you were to really know the truth I think you'd find similar stories in most families. Certainly in mine; I have two grandsons, one is doing an MA in quantum chemistry at one of the top German universities (Munich) and the other equally bright (perhaps) has come out of an 18 month prison stretch for dealing in drugs - in fact he wasn't actually handling drugs, -he thought he was much cleverer than that - he was making & selling bogus doctor's prescriptions for the assorted pills kids seem to want to take today. 

I say; 'On average, my grandsons are OK !' 🙂

Actually, the latter one's experience has shocked him into sense & he seems to have turned the corner, passed his driving test last week and the future looks encouraging.

So it goes.

 

[ladybirder]

Jourdain, my son and DiL had the same trouble over their decree absolute and I advised them to phone their solicitor and insist she sent it immediately as it was long overdue.  They got it next day so you could tell your daughter to do the same and with luck she'll get the same result.  If she doesn't keep phoning until she does.

[jourdain2]

Thanks LB and Khandro.  Everything has  gone quiet and we have another family crisis on top of us (life eh?)  V. Small family and my sister collapsed (widowed in August after horrible mesothelioma for Dave)and was in hospital for breathing difficulties, got ready to come home yesterday and leg went - turned out that when a horse knocked her over the other day she had broken her hip.  7 horses (inc. 2 foals) to be cared-for and  a garage office to run............... all this about 50 miles away!  Think putting grandson onto pooh-picking this weekend might pull him down to earth.

Basically a horrible time; but that's life in my experience.  Be nice if I could walk properly but I also have a severe groin strain!  😂

 

[Khandro]

Oh dear! much sympathy, night-night, God bless. K.

[jourdain2]

xxK