Anger Management

[seaborn]

Myself and 2 of my best friends (who have known me forever) were all chatting the other day, and invariably the conversation got around to me being single � again! And in their opinion it's to do with my aggression! � Having thought about it I think they might be on to something here.
I guess my background has a lot to do with it: I'm Italian/Irish (mum from Palermo, dad from Dublin), and I was bought up in Fulham, London. My birthday is also in mid August, making me a firm Leo (I've been told this is very fire, although I don't really know much about the stars thing), and I work in International sales for the Government. Also I can come across as arrogant from time to time and am certainly the sort of person who would cut off his nose to spite his face, and hate to lose at anything (wo betide you, if you don't give me the last word) and also do aggressive sports such as Rugby and Rock climbing.
This side of me is perfect for my job and the business I'm in (and I know my bosses wouldn't want me any other way), problem is I tend to take it home with me. Even though I'm single at mo. I know from time to time that this side of my personality has p'd off my friends and women I've been seeing (although I also know that some women like aggression in a man). In the past I've tried Yoga, Tai-Chi and Pilates, but never had the time or patience to continue.
Any thoughts on how to calm me down and leave the aggression at work?

[WendyS]

This is a difficult one for you because obviously some of your aggression (or I would prefer to call it assertiveness) is a skill you need in your professional life. However, I do indeed think that many women, including myself are really put off by aggressiveness in a man because it suggests that when she needs tenderness and consideration for herself (and perhaps ultimately in helping to raise your children) those qualities will be missing, so it tends to rule you out as a suitable prospective mate.

How do you relate to people generally? Are you more comfortable in the company of men? Do you feel uncomfortable relating to women in one-to-one sessions? I suspect you have possibly not often found yourself in a "caring" role where you've had to physically look after others of any age. That is a real eye-opener to us all in learning when our own weaknesses & lack of patience exist and I suspect that your comment "I've never had the time or patience to continue" is a clue here. Perhaps you should redirect some of your leisure time to working with those with whom you could have a more caring role,vlolunteering to coach boys in sport at a youth club, or something where you're dealing with individuals who are on less level empotional ground to yourself. I suspect you rate material success very highly and are motivated to achieve it. Possibly some reflection on the less material side of your life might help you get in touch with your less masculine emotions. (And maybe attending an anger management course would also offer you some helpful insights into you personality).

[WendyS]

(continued - ran out of space).

Perhaps you don't really recognise when your behaviour is giving offence to others because it feels a normal part of you. Why not suggest to those around you that they raise their hand when they feel your aggression is getting beyond permissible limits? This gives them permission to "flag it" in an unoffensive way and might help you to start recognising when you're crossing boundaries.

Your participation in team sports suggests you have a very competitive nature, which is possibly only too easy to carry over into your personal life. It sounds as if you regard your away-from-work existence as a sport too, and you have to be the winner there as well. . If you could try and train yourself to realise that "being the winner" is not what makes a two-way relationship successful. It's being "The winning team TOGETHER", which is an enormously different concept . This involves compromise, accepting the other's person's valid point of view, even if it isn't yours, and where women are concerned, learning how to soften your emotions and attitudes.

If you can borrow a friend's cat or dog for half an hour, try sitting gently with it and just stroking it to try and understand what gentle bonding can be all about.

And as an afterthought, you say the aggressive side of your nature is perfect for your business but I wonder if it really is? Perhaps you just terrify your customers into submission and behind your back they really don't like this side of your personality at all, but are too scared to tell you because you might punch them in the face?? Perhaps I'm exaggerating here, but none of us really know what other people really think about us, and this aggression might not be the business advantage you think it is. Your boss might like it, but do your clients and your fellow employees?

[jno]

aggressiveness (or assertiveness if you prefer) generally involves seeing the world your way and trying to impose your own version of order on it. There may still be women around who prefer this masterful approach, but not as many as there were 100 years ago. Most relationships involve compromise (which actually means not getting what you want) and readiness to consider the world from someone else's perspective, and you need to school yourself in that. The first step in changing behaviour is identifying it, so you seem to have got off on the right foot. And having honest friends has helped too. In any kind of on-to-one, stop and listen to what the other person is saying, and consider how things might work out best for both of you at once. Go for it.

[seaborn]

My word WendyS, I don�t know what to say � must be the most detailed reply ever. Although some of your points were valid, I would just like to point out that I�m not some kind of madman who is so angry with the world and just wants to kill everyone all the time!! Part of being such a successful salesman (and I am very successful) is having the ability of molding yourself to every situation and each individual. So no, I don�t feel I have problems in group or with singular men or women. When I wrote this I just meant that I have (as you pointed out) a very competitive spirit, and do take it home with me. I�m also hoping that the hard work�s done � admitting I�m have an aggressive nature. I do agree with you thoughts on me spending time with either children or pets though and will certainly give it some thought � thanks for you evaluation and thoughts.

[WendyS]

seaborn - you're welcome ! If it helps you understand where I'm coming from, I once worked for somebody whose personality was possibly very much like yours. As I tend to be a more sensitive individual, you can guess, we had had a very uncomfortable relationship until we sat down together for a very honest discussion. I like to think we were both big enough to learn some behaviour changing lessons as a result. And no, I honestly wasn't seriously suggesting you're always spoiling for a fight with everybody you come across. As you've said, you've half-won the battle in recognising that you have this personality trait. Having admitted it, I suspect it may now have a higher level of awareness in your consciousness which you may now find yourself automatically responding to.

[minnimoo]

yeah go get help, women dont need agression!!! Been there done that!!!!