Bad memories

[Pisceangirl]

I had a really bad relationship which I broke off last December, where I was emotionally abused (mind games, making me think I was a bad person/going crazy, manipulating me, controlling me & my behaviour, shouting at me for no good reason, berating me, etc...). My friends all get on with me really well and I'm now in a stable relationship with a loving man. The only thing is; no matter how much I try to forget things, I simply cannot. I think it's probably because he made me question who I am and doubt whether I really was a good person. I know he's probably got issues and treated me badly to make himself feel better/stronger (especialy when he made me cry- which was frequently). I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences and if they've ever gotten over the abuse?! I think this is a form of Domestic violence which is not really recognised as much because of the lack of physical damage...even though emotional damage can last years. I've spoken to many people, but no amount of talking about the issue has helped. I just want to forget him forever and get on with my life but I've started noticing patterns in my thinking which have been damaged by the experience (over-apologising for things, thinking I am a bad person but hiding it well). I don't want to think this man has damaged my mind beyond repair but the healing process is so slow I worry that I may hinder my present relationship with negative thoughts. Some re-assurance and support would be greatly appreciated! :)

[Octavius]

I think you wil find that this form of abuse is most certainly recognised and it sounds as if you are in need of some counselling. You can either get this through your GP or you can use the attached and seek initial advice anonymously.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_vi olence/usefulcontactshh_index1.shtml

[claireyfairy]

the fact that you are asking this question shows that you are on the road to recovery hun, so keep it up. Does your current fella know the past situation? If not then maybe you should explain to him just to give him a bit of a heads up for when you have a bad day.

And just remember chick, you are a fabulous person who deserves the best. Chant that to yourself every morning xx

[ummmm]

It's really hard Pisceangirl. I, after nearly seven years, still find myself making excuses for why I'm late even though my partner really doesn't care if i'm late. I have found myself in the position of not being able to talk about my feelings and letting things go when I know I should have stood up for myself. Just to stop an argument. You're lucky in the fact that you have reconized it now. Try to remember who you are without fear before it becomes a mindset. Then it becomes really hard.

[raysparx1]

What a thing to do, you are so right, he has got problems, You sound perfectly ok to me,forget that wazzock,put him behind you and look forward,don't let a cretin like that mess with your head, the positive thing is he can't do it anymore,so don't doubt yourself, be strong, good luck, Ray xx

[Pisceangirl]

I ticked 11/17 on the relationship checklist from the site Octavius gave...I guess that's pretty bad! Just knowing that I'm not over-reacting makes me feel better (somehow!). Claireyfairy- I have told my boyfriend all about it and he's so supportive (& totally the opposite of my ex!), however I still feel guilty for feeling depressed sometimes...no matter how understanding a person is, negativity from a partner can be draining if it's an ongoing issue...and I don't want it to be!!! I'm trying to be more optimistic but sometimes I just wish there was such thing as the service in "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", where I could just erase my ex from my memories!!! But I suppose we live in the real world and it's hard sometimes isn't it?! You never think adult life will be this complicated and sometimes very difficult when you're a daydreaming child do you?!

[Pisceangirl]

""ummmm"...are you in this situation NOW?! Or are you still emotionally wounded by a past relationship?! If it's happening now then get out! It's never to late to get your life back (even if it is bloo*y hard!). :)

[Amara]

Pisceangirl - go get some counselling as soon as possible, or try hypnotherapy, both can be really successful. Trust me you can and will recover from this, I did and many others do too. I learned to forgive myself and then the other person and eventually I was able to let it all go. I am now friends with the man concerned, that may sound weird and I can assure you that my situation was exactly as you described yours to be. I am not saying that you will one day be friends, my choice because we had a child together. But what I am saying is that with the right help and support you can move on from this. Don't forget that the things that happen to us make us the people that we are, it may be that one day you can use your experiences to help others in the same situation. Don't be a victim to this, be strong, find a safe place to get some help and move on with your life - Love and Light - Amara xx

[Betty Boop x]

You said he made you question who you are and I think that is the key here to why you can't forget it and move on. He has made you think you are a less worthy person than you really are. Emotional abuse can cause a lot of harm and I think if you can find somewhere that offers counsiling it would do you a lot of good.

When you were with him, I'm sure that 100 different people could of told you that you were an amazing person but then he would tell you something negative about yourself and when you went to bed at night what he said was the only thing you remembered?! You obviously at one point cared a lot for him/loved him and so at the time his opinions on you mattered a lot to you. But he has completly battered your self esteem and that isn't something you can build back up just like that.

There will be a way to get past this and to stop thinking about yourself in a negative way but it will take time and you will probably need counsilling to do it, but at the end of it you will realise and accept that you are an amazing person who let someone completly unworthy of you into your life and they took advantage of that. They put YOU down to make THEMSELVES feel better, but that isn't your fault, they are the ones with the issues.

I wish you the very best and I hope that with help you are able to forget about that awful man and have a happy positive relationship with your new partner.

Good Luck babes

x

[whoopy]

This is exactly what i went through, it was a relationship that lasted 3 yrs and ended in January. All i can say to you from my experience is you need a lot of 'you' time to find out who you are. If you carry it around with you it'll end up eating you up inside! I agree that the fact you've noticed your problems within yourself probably means you are ready to face them and start healing...but only you can do this. Everyone else can tell you anything you want to hear but if you don't believe it in yourself their words won't matter. You need to figure out what it is that makes you the person you are, and why your friends and family love you so much. You are worthy of more and once you get over this you won't let anyone else beat you down again. It does take time but you will regain confidence in yourself.

Remember you make your own world, you are the one that has to live in it. Fill it up with positive things and people that make you happy and get rid of anything you don't want.

You know who you are and that you are not a bad person, so put it down to experience and make sure you don't let anyone else dictate who you are.
Feel better soon!
x