When is the best time to tell his wife?

[savagj1]

I have recently started a relationship with a man I was involved with years ago, he was married at the time. We split when his wife found out as he was being pulled from pillar to post and we lost touch for the next 4 years but the following 3 years we have become friends again .. possibly the last year we have been lovers again. I have left my current partner in October 2006 and he left the marital home in November 2006 and moved into his friends house. Since December he has been in my house every single night really besides the nights he has had the children so he has had to take them back to his friends place. Last weekend she had a talk with him and she seems to be in the mind that he may one day meet someone as she has asked him if she is OK to call on him if she needs help with the children, etc. His wife has been on medication for some years for depression and frequently finds it hard to cope with the children on her own - other days she is fine - but he is never sure of her mood when he does visit the children.
My question now is, when is the right time for him to tell her. I am getting a little anxious at the moment (selfish I know) as I love him to pieces. He wants me to have a baby with him now, which I really do want, and also wants us to start looking for a house to live. When is the right time for me to start putting pressure on him to get the ball rolling. Im 32yr and he is 44yr .......... I feel time is ticking away and our relationship should never have ended all those years ago. Thanks for listening

[B00]

I don't understand- do you mean when is the right time for your partner to tell his wife that the relationship you two have is still ongoing?

I'm sorry, but if he wants you to have a baby by him and get a house together I think it's about time he told his wife exactly how the situation is.

If she's prone to depression there's never going to be a suitable time to tell her, so he might as well bite the bullet and get it done sooner rather than later.

[redcrx]

BOOs right,
he needs to tell her before he moves in with you and certainly before you two consider having children. As the mother of the children he already has surely its only fair that she and the children that he is moving on. It would a different matter had she been the one to leave the marital home and you met him afterwards, but I think he should face her and be honest with her.

[Champagne]

I agree with BOO. In these sorts of situations there is never an easy solution so there's no point in tip-toeing around it. He has made the choice as an adult to be with you at the detriment of his wife and kids, so he should stand by that decision. He does need to break the news to his wife in as appeasing a manner as possible so that you can all start to move on with your lives.

[crete]

why would you have an affair with a married man in the first place ? and he had children,

[Champagne]

That's hardly the point crete. Unfortunately we don't live in a world where everyone is decent and decides to divorce before dating again, or where nobody cheats on their partner...

[crete]

the point is if they had not got involved in the first place ie him married with children and cheating on his wife there would not be a problem now,

[Champagne]

Yeah, well, that's love for you.

Complex little thing, innit?

[maggie01]

I have to agree with crete. Maybe when you lost touch with each other, he may have made a go of it with his wife. You maybe should have stayed apart.

[loukr]

I agree with crete too.. the fact that you lost touch with him was a sure sign that he chose his wife and children over you, which is what most decent people will do. The best thing you can do is walk away. And do you seriously want to consider children with a man who's already strayed one woman and his kids, twice? and who knows how many others?

[joko]

the morality lecture is all well and good but its rather shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

perhaps he had fallen out of love with his wife, and they were both miserable - should they be miserable forever?

you cannot help who you fall in love with, and you cannot stay in a loveless marriage

[B00]

gotta agree with joko the OP didn't ask for our our opinions of the morality of it all. Simply asked when should the bloke in question tell his estanged wife how the situation is.

However i'd like to add that it would may be for the best if his wife became an EX wife before you settle down with him and start a new family.

[ELVIS68]

And I`d wait for the dust to settle before you buy the kids a Rabbit in the new house

[B00]

rofl!!!!

[loukr]

lol!! okay, well in that case, he should tell her asap.. she's going to be heart broken whatever happens

[savagj1]

Well I certainly asked for that reply - unfortunately I didnt have enough space to tell you all the full story but I sure am going to now for all the peope who think Im bad for dating a married man .... here goes :

We met in work and started seeing each other within 2 months. As the months past and the years, his wife eventually found out about me through a text I sent him and she called me. We spoke on the phone for over an hour and all the things that he had told me about their relationship - she confirmed. She said that she loved him as a friend, wanted him there to help with the kids, finances, etc and that it was only a friendship marriage - this was from the horses mouth.

He has moved out now and has said he has been staying at his friends house to enable the children to get used to the situation - and for her.

I personally feel that he has every right to want a relationship of love in his life and I want to give him that. He is a very decent and family man who loves his children more than the world. And I love him more for that so can you see more now where I am coming from. He deserves love now as he has been denied it for the past 20 years ... all because she couldnt/didnt want to give it and he would have rather stayed in that marriage than leave his children - they both have their own lives and do as they please so there you go.

I just want it sorted now and wanted advice as to when people think I should be vocalising this more. He is aware that I want her to know but Im not prepared to push it for that to come back on me, not that it would

Hope you all understand a liitle better

[maggie01]

Sorry didn't mean to judge. Then as Boo says, it would probably best for him to make a his wife his ex before you make it too permanent an arragement. Personally I wouldn't trust a man who left his wife and children. Hope history doesn't repeat itself for you.

[savagj1]

Thank Maggie01 for the reply - didnt mean "Im going to tell you all now ... " as it sounded!! Sorrrrrrry. Just wanted to clarify the situation.

If I had never spoke to her and she had no confirmed what he said, they I would never have gone back a second time.

I know its the old scenario that "he wouldnt do that to me" but I honestly believe that he never will. I would risk my life on it.

Thanks again folks for your input .... I know its not the ideal topic for everyone to talk about but each situation needs to be judged on its own.

[loukr]

savagj1, I don't mean to be rude at all, I will admit that I am against stuff like this, because I was in the position that his children are in before, but by the way you described it, when you had that hour phone call with her, she said that their relationship was just 'friends..' so how did it esculate from there to you having to split up with him? And considering he's now moved out, surely it shouldnt be a problem telling her?
Maybe the first thing to do would be to tell her that you're together, just to start with. don't pile everything in saying you're getting a house and having a kid, because it'll be too soon for her, just tell him to take things slow.

I hope this makes sense, and I apologise for before, but like I said, I am against this, but I understand the position you're in.

Lou x