Single Parents debate

[Le Chat]

There has been much reporting of how childrens benefit from having married parents and that children from single parents families fare the worst.
One point I have noticed, is that 'single parents' (normally the mother) are all lumped together. Surely, there is a difference between a) families where the father has died b) families where the couple are seperate but the father has an active role c)families where the couple have split up and the father does not have contact (for whatever reason) and d)the 'sink estate' single parenting, where the mother is very young (as a rule) and has different children from different men and may not even know who the fathers actually are (worst case scenario).
During the war, many families were left fatherless and brought up by the mother on her own and yet those hard times produced a wealth of honourable and honest folk....my mother for one.
What do other ABers think?

[Mammar]

I agree, Le Chat
I think the key thing is whether the person in charge of the family, male or female, is a good role model.
All circumstances are different. If the person "in charge" of the family unit has a strong enough personality to cope with their situation, earn a living, is honest and hardworking then the likelihood of those qualities being passed on to their family is high.
It takes a strong child to break away from a pattern of - what shall I call it? - inadequate parenting? It can be done and I have seen plenty of examples of it - children of alcoholics who realise there is more to life and so make sure it doesn't happen to them. Children who have been victims of abuse ensuring that the damaging spiral stops with them so that their children are safe.
"Inadequate parenting" is just as likely to happen in homes with two parents as it is with single parents. Let's start taking each family unit at its own value instead of lumping them all together.

[maxximus]

i agree, i think you have answered your own question and very well i might add.

[jno]

did your mother have any help from other family members? (eg her own mother). I think this is often lacking these days as there are fewer extended families living together, or close by, which might make a difference.

I'm not against gay marriages, but I do think children can lose out from not having a parental role model of each sex. On the other hand, these can be very bad role models, which is probably worse than none at all.

[ludwig]

The point is often made that it's better to be brought up by a loving single parent than by two complete b*stards.
Well,..er yeah, that's obvious isn't it.

But on a level playing field, if we're having to choose between a loving single parent or two loving parents - one of each sex, surely that has to be better than any alternative from a role model point of view (as jno has also said).

[Bohne]

I think you are absolutely right...

[Pippa68]

I agree with you. Le Chat. I also think that jno is spot on with regard to having help from families.

My mum was single after divorcing my father ~ in those days there was no welfare state and my mum had no choice but to move in with my grandparents, so I was brought up by my mother, my grandparents and also my uncles and aunts :o) it seems that in a lot of these situations nowadays this is lost..if a young girl gets pregnant and is alone the parents chuck them out as they don't want to bother helping, and they know she will get housed.

We have also seen the loss of extended families anyway ~ no matter what the situation regarding the position of single parenting, families are often far flung..no longer on the doorstep to lend a helping hand.

It is a real shame.

[Drisgirl]

I started to read your point and I though o not again.I was a seperated mother where the father played an active part and I worked fulltime.I never claimed benefit ever and their dad (who is still active in their well being and a very good friend -never let his children down).People say I was lucky -I dont think so -surely thats the way it should be?

Just want to say thank you for differentating between the different types -its not easy for anyone but its important to recognise that there are differences.

[Le Chat]

Thank you for your comments. I asked the question because I was classed as 'a single parent' myself for a short period of time between husbands and absolutely detested the label.As far as I was concerned my son had 2 parents, both involved in his life and there was no 'singleness' about it. I also found that when all the ills of the world were being placed at the single mother's feet, the press were always refering to children whose fathers' had never featured in their lives.....which is why I wanted to differentiate between what I see as an unfair grouping of persons!

[Drisgirl]

Well said !!

[Pippa68]

VERY well said Le Chat & Drisgirl!

I too was a single parent, albeit for 18 months before I met Mr Pippa. When I divorced my first husband (after he left me) I was totally unintentionally alone through no fault of my own.

I was being paid maintenance and I worked too ~ but still there was this 'single mother' label hanging ver my head which wasn't nice as people immediately thought I had always been a single mum by choice.

On the other hand even though I was financially ok and not living on benefits I was still alone..and that 'lonely' feeling was incredible. The term 'single parent' has been replaced by another term ~ 'Lone Parent'..and it is very apt.

[skyhi9921]

i do agree my parents divorced when i was 5 and both remarried and although i didnt see as much of my dad as i would have wanted 2 mostly due 2 my mum i feel i was very well raised and i consider myself a very honourable and honest person
whether i would be a different person if my parents had stayed 2gether who knows i just know who i am now and am very proud of both myself and my parents