Why is it so hard to make friends here in England?

[ReinaLuna]

Ok this one goes more as me opening my heart, than exactly a question, because I know human beings are complex and probably you won't be able to give me an answer for this one...

Thing is, I am 31 years old, from Brasil, living in England, and I'm really talkative, cheerful and funny but I find so difficult to make friends here. People either drink too much (and I don't find any fun in going to pubs to getting ****** and all those people SHOUTING around) or they just don't seem to care, even the ones who say they want to make friends, when I write to them, seems they only want a virtual friend to have a nice chat from time to time. I want REAL friends, to share moments, to laugh and cry, to go to their houses and invite them to mine, watch some dvd's, talk and have fun...

Will I always be looked at like this exotic foreigner? Sometimes the guys also try to make friends with me, but then they just start to flirt the most vulgar ways, and I feel really angry, because I HATE stereotypes, like just because I'm from brasil, doesn't mean I dance samba and behave like a hot desperate one...

Is it a general thing in our society, to be so closed to each one's lives and not take some time for the friends? I can get really lonely here sometimes.

[Trinny]

Hi ReinaLuna, sorry I cant give you an answer. I think people are just so busy with their own lives. And sadly there are a lot of lonely people about.

But want to welcome you to the UK and to AB xx

[ultraman]

i know how feel it seems that if you do not do drugs or drink or party all hours of the night then you don't fit in i live in the usa and it is even harder to make friends here i have not had any friends since i lived in key west and it drives me crazy not to have any friends i have one friend that i met at the new gym that just opened up. i have also been trying to join a youth group at a church but nobody has called me back to maybe they do not want me their i have always been told that youth gruops at churchs always tried to get people to join them but maybe i heard wrong or maybe they forgot to call me people in todays world are always going to judge people no matter what i always try but never seem to make friends it took me a long time to meet the person that i mentioned he and his girlfriend work out at the gym that i mentioned and they do not have many friends ether sometimes you have to weed out a lot of people before you find one person to all a friend.

[ReinaLuna]

Thanks guys!
Yes, Ultra, I know what you are facing because I've actually answered some questions you posted here... :o)
And for you all to don't think I am swearing a lot, the word "edited" by Ab was p*ssed, drunk...

[warpig3]

ReinaLuna, yes it can be difficult to make friends but just bide you time as I am sure you would rather have one or two good friends rather than a group of people that you just socalise with.

There can be a big drink culture here but perhaps you could consider looking at a vocational course in the evenings, something that you are really interested in and this will give you the opportunity to meet like minded people.

I have recently moved to a new 'country' and apart from my partner I know no one. I have volunteered at a local charity shop (just a few hours a week) as I thought this would get me out and about and allow me to meet people.

Don't worry it will all happen in good time and I hope the friends you make in england will be friends for the rest of your life.

[lizzydrippin]

I think you're maybe expecting too much too soon ReinaLuna. Friendships grow and deepen over a time (true friendships that is) its not really as simple as deciding that you want to be someones friend or deciding that you want them to be your friend. All you can do is to act friendly towards people in general and friendships will flourish between you and the people you 'click' with. Some people are a little put off by someone who maybe comes across as a little pushy. Some of these people who you say just want a nice chat now and again might be just the people who will become close friends over time. Slow down abit and get to know people in due course. Have you friends in Brazil?

[ReinaLuna]

warpig, I have done that, I am actually volunteering for both cat protection and westies rescue, because I love animals so much that I think this is a good way in meeting people with the same love for them. And I actually made a friend already out of that, she's so sweet, the only problem is, she is from York, I am in the Midlands, so we still couldn't see each other...

lizzydrippin, I am sorry here, but don't you think you are just judging me without even knowing better? how can you tell I am expecting something too soon? I agree with you that true friendships take time, but do you think it's normal to have "friends" who are very nice to you over the net, but never mention meeting you personally after 4 years of chat? c'mon, everything with limits here, I can respect people's rhythms, but I also don't have the patience of a tibetan monk... just for you to know, I live in England since 2003!
And yes, I do have my friends in Brasil, who I treasure a lot, but sometimes you just want someone to have a tea and some chit chat personally, you see... ;o) and they are too far way from me now! Hope you are not thinking I'm so desperate anymore!
x

[warpig3]

Reina, distance does not matter between friends, sometimes I dont talk to my best friends for months but when I pick up the phone it is like yesterday. Keep up the friendship you have made and continue on the road to meeting other people, I am sure it will all work out .

i have 5 very best girlfriends, all from very different walks of life but they are fantastic and I love them all, they are all completely different but that is what makes them unique. Please stick with it, as eventually everthing will find its own level.

failing that, there is always us ot on Ab, but only if you are desparate!

It will all be ok
Take care
warpig

XX

[porfavour]

Hi ReinaLuna,

So sad to hear you feel you have no friends.
Chatting on line for four years and still nobody wants to meet you....., well just shows how shallow some people can be!

It's a shame you never learnt to samba, dancing is a great way to meet people.
You could try joining a club for Brazilians, I believe there are more of them than Hollywood groups.

Please don't loose your patience with people and start feeling tibetan monks, they are good people. Maybe, you have gender issues that intimidate strangers.
Sadly there are lots of vulgar men around, and to an exotic foreigner such as yourself, you may not understand the subtleties of innuendo..........;o)

There is a very nice guy registered on this site, I'll put him in touch with you, you have a great deal in common and even share the same sense of humour...;o) ;o) ;o)

[warpig3]

Porfavour, did I misread that or are you suggesing the feeling of tibetan monks, lol, can I join???

[warpig3]

Sorry girls, just couldn't resist that, nite nite all.

[yummymum]

Why dont you get on msn and a few chat sites and just take things slow, also look in your area for groups you can join. I think ppl are right in saying that friendships dont grow over night so just keep trying

[mrknowall]

It might be the place your living in here where i live in Manchester are very freindly.
We have a lot of foreigers around the area and we all mix and have a laugh.

If you started going swimming or to the gym,if you work are there no people there ?

[ReinaLuna]

Hey guys!!! I'm having so many laughs here reading your opinions, you're funny!!! :o)

Well, for the ones who asked I am working, here it is, I am here since 2003 but I had a student visa, so I couldn't work full time, and the part time jobs were crap. So I kept living out of my own savings and studying, most of my classmates went back to their native countries though. Then I applied for a kind of settlement visa, which took 1 year to get ready, so I spend the whole 2006 in Brasil (going to the beach, travelling around, bless me hahaha)

Now I am back to England, with a better visa so I will really need to settle down and that's why I am so worried about my social life. I even will start driving lessons soon (because I know how to drive, but the opposite way!) and get a car ASAP as it makes it easier to visit the friends I already have in England. It's like mrknowall said..... maybe it's the region!

Because I have a friend in Stoke, other in Banbury, other in Dover... but here in the Midlands (close to B'ham I am) seems to be more complicated. It adds up that I haaaaate this place, I find B'ham and Dudley dull so I don't enjoy so much going out here as I do when I go to other regions...

Thanks for all the support you are giving me guys, we don't know each other and it counts even more, because you could just ignore, but you are all giving suggestions and trying to help. Hugs for you all, heheeh!!!

And yes, porfavour, I have a great sense of humour... actually, do you what your nickname means? I do :oPPP
Love from me!
xxx

[joko]

i think you are aiming for the wrong friends - trying to make them and meet them over the net is not the best way to start, you need people local to you, so enrol in some classes etc

many people have friends over the net but have no intention of ever meeting them.

also make sure you are as fluent and english speaker as possible - it can be quite wearing at times speaking to someone whose first language is not english, and does not get speech patterns, jokes, tones, cliches, colloquialisms etc etc, so work on that, even if you speak it well.

do you have any quirks or mannerisms that are usual in brasil, but may not translate too well here?

I know germans who click their fingers at people to hurry them, which in uk is considered very rude, but they don;t realise.
it can be the case with others too

[WendyS]

Could it be that you have more serious interests than a lot of other single people of your own age who are content to spend all their spare time in pubs or clubs?
Do you have any Adult Evening Classes in your area where you could learn a new language, or join a book reading group, or even volunteer for charitable work of some kind? Perhaps there you might meet some more serious minded people who share your interests. I suspect that these days many young people find life very stressful and that when they're away from work they simple want to indulge in activities that don't put them under any emotional pressure to activate the more sensitive parts of their lives. But don't give up. Just try looking in more imaginative places for the type of people you want to meet.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, send me an email ReinaLuna , i will cheer you up. :)
My guess is that its the area your living in. You might be surrounded by people not suited to your way of life. Its an English thing over here to go out and drink and socialise. Its not that they are being ignorant or anything. How come your on so late at night anyway?

[ReinaLuna]

I am not what you call an early bird, so now that I am not working or doing anything that makes me wake up early... I stay until late at night awake hehehe! Reading my books, watching some dvd comedies, or playing some games in the computer. Ups, this sounds very nerd for me. Maybe I'm a nerd after all hahahaha! Should start going to art galleries to find friends there, no, just a joke, they are a bit too boring for me....

Thanks for all the support you sweeties and have a greaaat weekend you all :o)

(yes, I think it's nice to socialise having a few drinks, I just don't like DRUNK people which is veeeeery different....)

[porfavour]

I tried to be subtle, but I was clearly taking the p'ss out of you. This is a fake question and you are a time waster.
Shame on you for wasting these people's time.
Go get a life.
Jerk!!!

[ReinaLuna]

I wonder what made you think that. Anyway, it doesn't matter, as you don't know me so I don't care for what you think. Who's wasting time here worrying about leaving awful words to somebody unknown? YOU! So, think about who is the real time waster here, hehehehe.... byeeeeeeee and ignore you from now on :o)

[laurencelolo]

I have been in this country for now 24 years.
It has taken me several years to adapt not only to the food , culture shock change including sense of humour.
I too come from a land where we are more relaxed and family orientated. Where friends and families matter.
Here, everybody are in constant rush shassing their back side moans about this and that but do nothing about it.
We lives a bit like americans people in a way rush rush.
We forget about our values and friendships and therefore
people stop "caring".
Up to you to go out and make a little effort i am afraid to say!
Have a bresilian eve for exemple select the people you want to invite introduce their to YOUR culture for a change too you will soon make friends.