what should i do?

[paul 1]

hi. girlfriend moved in about 2 years ago, she german. to the point, she wanted to start a family and i said ok but wait about 18 months. she fell pregnent nov 06 by coming of the pill with out telling me. when i asked her why she said that it would be 18 months by the time the baby is born and that was what i had said to her earlier...ok i accepted all this. problems with the baby so she had to have an abortion jan 07. she was really up set at her loss and was depressed had help. keeps on going to the grave. i told her to move on go out get in to her job and make new friends and the more she talks about it the depressed she gets. anyway she says she needs to move out and start a fresh. she rented a room with out telling me. i do not want her to leave? what can i do? the other thing is i am not sure if i can trust her. i own my own house, have a decent job and some savings. she works but spends all her income and do you think that when we first met she saw the house, my job etc and thought to her self 'have a baby and i will be ok here'. if she wants to leave some stuff here should i let her or offer the option or tell her to take all her things. she moves out in about 10 days and in the meantime do i ignore her? when she leaves should i contact her or not? sorry about the long question....thanks 4 your help

[alijangra]

I know she behaved deceitfully, and I believe many women do the same thing to trap a bloke but only you can know what her intentions were. It is understandable she would be very emotional as losing a baby is distressing. If you really love her then give her some space but if you continue to sleep with her then use a condom if you dont want another pregnancy.

I hope you dont think I am being horrible, but how is there a grave? She must have been only 12 weeks pregnant at the most.

[puddicat]

my goodness, it seems you are battling with your own emotions, maybe you think that she some sort of game plan?maybe she had maybe not, you said that she was german, does that make a difference when you lose a child for any reason, sorry no i dont thinks so,its obvious she needs some counselling to get over it,its like you are thinking did she ever love me, did she use me, its your head and your heart are having a battle, when you say she spends, you seem quite level headed and everything fits in boxes, she is no different from others that live for today, and buggar tomorrow, all i can say go along with whats she wants, and believe me if she needs you she will get in touch,also you didnt say if you were there for her when she had to go thru such a turmoil, maybe she feels resentful, also you are leaving her a option to come back to pick up her stuff, seems you still love her, hope it works out keep posting paul

[Suetheramble]

Many of my friends have lied to their husbands/boyfriends about still being on the pill. As a woman all I can say is I have witnessed the resentment of the lie and the man quoting "you're the one who wanted it" when asked for help. Some have been accepting and love their offspring but there is often resentment and that lack of trust that you mentioned that can destroy a relationship.
I would have no more to do with her - find a woman who will love you and respect your wishes. Some plans should be made together.

[stokeace]

how can you trust a woman who blatantly traps you into having a baby then moves out without telling you?she has no respect for your feelings whatsoever mate id take some of your own advice...........................move on and meet some new friends i wouldnt trust her ever again about anything she said..

[paul 1]

thanx 4 your replys. she will still be here 4 about 10 days so do i ignore her or carry on as normal and the issue with the her stuff. if she wants to leave some here do i let her or offer, or tell her to take everything? once she leaves do i contact her or let her contact me. there is a grave because after the abortion you have the option of the hospital either dealing with the unborn or you can opt 4 a grave..

[LittleMissxx]

m8 sorry, but a grave ... @ 12 weeks. I dont think so !! Certainly not with an abortion. Is she spinning u another yarn ?

[redcrx]

a close friend of mine sadly lost her child at 16 weeks, there was no such offer of a grave for her. I wish she had a grave to mourn at.
miscarriage or a termination can lead to all sorts of heartbreak, is she still having counselling?

[alijangra]

I too have had a miscarriage, at around that stage and no grave offered. Are you in the UK? If so then I cant see how that can be true.

[paul 1]

thats what she told me there was a grave. this could be a faily new thing, as i have no cause to disbelieve her...

[alijangra]

You mean apart from people on here telling you it does not happen? Do you actually know what the products of conception look like at 12 weeks? Was it a medical or surgical termination? Im sorry but she is lying to you on this one.

[~Wingnut~]

I'm sorry to ask you this but have you never been to the grave yourself? It was your baby too, has she never wanted you to visit with her?

I think going by the above posts who do seem to know what they are talking about do you still really believe you have no reason not to believe her? She lied about taking the pill, why not this too?
Did you go to any of the doctor appts with her where she was told about the baby having problems? Or are you just taking her word for all this? I think you need to have a very serious think about what you have been told and whether it has been true.

[alijangra]

Im not trying to be harsh, and i would be happy to be corrected on this one as I feel it may be helpful to help people grieve and I certainly know that many health professionals would be in favour of it. But having gone through a miscarriage myself, the most I was given was a few leaflets. I have also worked in a surgical unit that performed terminations 2 days a week and all foetal tissue was sent for incineration once checked by the surgeon. Some much later than 12 weeks.

[yummymum]

I have been in a similar situation as I also lost a baby at 12 weeks and have never heard of this grave idea...Have you seen this grave? did you go with her when she had this abotion? if not who did because the hospital wouldnt have let her go home on her own, unless you have seen these things with your own eyes I would sadly not believe her, to me it sounds like she said she was preg hoping that she would fall preg and when she didnt she had to fake an abotion. I hope im wrong I really do. What ever as gone on it sounds like she needs help.

[rocklolo]

hi Paul!

a word of warning ! i have lost a early pregnancy at 14 weeks and i can tell you there is no grave and i ve never heard of this before in the nursing field. She is pro trying to hold on to you with this knowing that she has deceived you already!
If your relationship is based on that then it is domed.

[missrandom]

You cant have a funeral for a 12 week old foetus, the baby has to be 24 weeks, were its considered "viable", this means a birth cert and death cert would have to raised and a funeral would have to be held. Its not a new thing. sorry to be gross but in the eyes of the law it wouldnt technically considered a baby. Thats why abortions are legal upto 24 weeks. I got a sneeky suspision she wasnt pregnant at all, unless you no for sure?