ChatterBank3 mins ago
OK to carry on after he's been unfaithful?
12 Answers
Hi,
I can't believe I'm in this situation but here goes. I got together with a guy (I'm gay by the way) just under 3 months ago (May) lets call him C. I used internet sites but wasn't in to the whole meeting up just for sex. This guy was amazing when he turned up and we really clicked. So much so it was too long before he moved in with me (not technically bought all his stuff over yet but the last time he stayed over at his parents was during the first week we met).
This guy is really loving and caring (and my friends and family adore him too) but there was always a feeling "what's the catch" with him. Because of my suspcious nature I always feared he (as he was one of the meet guys online for sex people) he would be seeing someone else. And I a few occassions over the past 3 months I have asked randomly "have you kissed anyone else" etc To which he always said no and I'm the only one for him.
Well yesterday morning I found out he had met up with someone (R) 3 weeks ago but didn't know for definite what for ... I phoned him at work and he denied any knowledge despite me having this cast iron proof (it was a whole text conversation between the two of them well two different conversations on the same day with different people (D)). I rang him again and he said he'll have to come home to sort it out. Which he did do. He came home and denied that he has ever and will ever have sex for anyone else. He explained the texts as he was dropping some weed off for R. I took this as the truth and felt very guilty and he gave me sob story about people never believing him etc and I felt so bad. Despite the fact that the second D conversation he gave out my address and he had the "place free until 5.30".
I can't believe I'm in this situation but here goes. I got together with a guy (I'm gay by the way) just under 3 months ago (May) lets call him C. I used internet sites but wasn't in to the whole meeting up just for sex. This guy was amazing when he turned up and we really clicked. So much so it was too long before he moved in with me (not technically bought all his stuff over yet but the last time he stayed over at his parents was during the first week we met).
This guy is really loving and caring (and my friends and family adore him too) but there was always a feeling "what's the catch" with him. Because of my suspcious nature I always feared he (as he was one of the meet guys online for sex people) he would be seeing someone else. And I a few occassions over the past 3 months I have asked randomly "have you kissed anyone else" etc To which he always said no and I'm the only one for him.
Well yesterday morning I found out he had met up with someone (R) 3 weeks ago but didn't know for definite what for ... I phoned him at work and he denied any knowledge despite me having this cast iron proof (it was a whole text conversation between the two of them well two different conversations on the same day with different people (D)). I rang him again and he said he'll have to come home to sort it out. Which he did do. He came home and denied that he has ever and will ever have sex for anyone else. He explained the texts as he was dropping some weed off for R. I took this as the truth and felt very guilty and he gave me sob story about people never believing him etc and I felt so bad. Despite the fact that the second D conversation he gave out my address and he had the "place free until 5.30".
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But he didn't know I had contacted R with my old phone and later they confirmed they had met up for sex! They met in a car park and went down a country lane for it. So now C had to admit it to me. So now I don't know what to do as the advice of people I am getting is to ditch him no question but for some reason I don't feel as angry and hateful as I thought I would. As I know he does love me loads. In fact I've not had the whole "can't bare to be in the same room as him" feeling either.
I believe him (despite the fact that yesterday morning and a few time in the past 3 months I've asked him to tell the truth and he didn't) that it was a one-off (and to be honest there was an underlying reason why he did which - to be crude sorry - is that I struggle to take him so he's not (in his eyes) had sex properly as he has to take me all the time).
But the issues that remain that are not making me just say easily ok we'll carry on are:
- he did it as he wasn't able to "have sex" with me
--> but how is this going to be resolved, he says he won't do it again but won't he get to the point of needed to again?? In fact coincidentally we did try it early this week and has left me in so much pain. He is now saying now that we have tried it and it doesn't work he's not bothered anymore ... he went with R at the time as I had show no inclination to try it but now I have.
- he lied all of yesterday and previously so much so making me feel guilty and apologising when I asked him to promise to be truthful
--> this probably hurts more than the actually sex as I asked him to be truthful.
I believe him (despite the fact that yesterday morning and a few time in the past 3 months I've asked him to tell the truth and he didn't) that it was a one-off (and to be honest there was an underlying reason why he did which - to be crude sorry - is that I struggle to take him so he's not (in his eyes) had sex properly as he has to take me all the time).
But the issues that remain that are not making me just say easily ok we'll carry on are:
- he did it as he wasn't able to "have sex" with me
--> but how is this going to be resolved, he says he won't do it again but won't he get to the point of needed to again?? In fact coincidentally we did try it early this week and has left me in so much pain. He is now saying now that we have tried it and it doesn't work he's not bothered anymore ... he went with R at the time as I had show no inclination to try it but now I have.
- he lied all of yesterday and previously so much so making me feel guilty and apologising when I asked him to promise to be truthful
--> this probably hurts more than the actually sex as I asked him to be truthful.
- eventhough he said he regretted it straight away, an hour later that afternoon he was making arrangements for another unknown random guy D to come over but this time to my house (he text the guy my address and exact details how to get there) ... surely he didn't regret it that much then?
--> this one didn't work out for him as I vivdly remember this day as I texted him several times telling what time I was finishing as I kept changing my mind ... what makes me feel sick is in response to my messages he texted this D things like "I've got the house until 5" or "I've now got a free house until 5.30". Only because I finished early did this sex session not go ahead (in my house!)
- these guys were random guys of the net who he didn't even exchange names with and he had unprotected sex with them
--> I could understand it more if it was an old ex he knew he could get what he wanted but by doing what he did he makes me think of him as a 50 year desperate old bloke not a young guy 3 months into a relationship. And put us both at risk.
The majority of advice I'm getting is get rid straight away. There's a few saying think about it more as at the moment I am struggling to tell him to go as we do get on so well, he is such a nice guy and I've even wanted cuddles of him yesterday evening despite what he did (though I don't want to seem a pushover hence why I made him sleep on the sofa).
Any advice people?
Thanks.
It may seem like he loves you Lee but to read what has happened it seems that he is just using you or more importantly your place in order to carry on getting his kicks (with other guys)
Please have some self respect and get rid of this guy, before he uses you any more and gives you any STD's, from his behavoir he doesnt seem to give a monkeys about your feelings or potentially giving you anything !
Breaking up with anyone is hard, but I cant think of anyone in their right mind that would tell you to hang on to this bloke and keep trying ! "kick him to the curb" - (said in brash american accent)
BN
Please have some self respect and get rid of this guy, before he uses you any more and gives you any STD's, from his behavoir he doesnt seem to give a monkeys about your feelings or potentially giving you anything !
Breaking up with anyone is hard, but I cant think of anyone in their right mind that would tell you to hang on to this bloke and keep trying ! "kick him to the curb" - (said in brash american accent)
BN
Hi Lee :o)
My advice would be to leave him! He is lying to you and only admitting it when he gets caught out and he is putting your health (not to mention life) in danger by having unprotected sex with strangers, that to me is very serious and not something a loving partner would risk doing to their loved one.
Sorry if I have read this wrong but in your first part you say ..."the last time he stayed at his parents.." are you saying that he still lived with his parents when you first met? because if he did then I'm sorry but it is blatently obvious that he is using you for your home to have sex with strangers.
Sorry Lee but you can do better than him xx
My advice would be to leave him! He is lying to you and only admitting it when he gets caught out and he is putting your health (not to mention life) in danger by having unprotected sex with strangers, that to me is very serious and not something a loving partner would risk doing to their loved one.
Sorry if I have read this wrong but in your first part you say ..."the last time he stayed at his parents.." are you saying that he still lived with his parents when you first met? because if he did then I'm sorry but it is blatently obvious that he is using you for your home to have sex with strangers.
Sorry Lee but you can do better than him xx
To offer an update ... again after discussions and etc
The sex WAS protected
I do believe (as I tried to catch him out) that this has been the only time
He met these details via a telephone chat line not the internet (to be honest I've never phoned or know anything about such lines)
Here are a few things he done to try and prove it won't happen again (and I do believe he does regret it now, not neccesarily at the time maybe):
- changed his mobile number so no previous random guys have it
- put the block on the phone meaning he can't ring these chat line and other such numbers
To be honest he's still here but maybe (stupidly of me some may say) I believe it won't happen again but the one issue that still remains that I made it clear this morning before he went to work that I'm having difficult understanding:
- he says it was a moment of maddness/stupidity which I know can happen I've done things in previous relationships in a moment of madness BUT the difference I find here is that it was several hours of madness. He phoned this line and then had the intent to exchange messages and then have a whole text message conversation and I don't understand what must have been going through his head as he was sat in the car park awaiting the other bloke. And then to have the intent to arrange anyone straight after but this time at my house.
It would be easy for me if this was a drunken mistake, or something that happened in the heat of the moment with a colleqgue or something. It's the effort and organising that find it hard to just expect as a moment of madness in the heat of the moment.
But saying that didn't that labour MP who did something on that common claim a "moment of madness" and that didn't just happen - he needed to intend to visit the common so maybe I'm wrong.
Thanks guys
The sex WAS protected
I do believe (as I tried to catch him out) that this has been the only time
He met these details via a telephone chat line not the internet (to be honest I've never phoned or know anything about such lines)
Here are a few things he done to try and prove it won't happen again (and I do believe he does regret it now, not neccesarily at the time maybe):
- changed his mobile number so no previous random guys have it
- put the block on the phone meaning he can't ring these chat line and other such numbers
To be honest he's still here but maybe (stupidly of me some may say) I believe it won't happen again but the one issue that still remains that I made it clear this morning before he went to work that I'm having difficult understanding:
- he says it was a moment of maddness/stupidity which I know can happen I've done things in previous relationships in a moment of madness BUT the difference I find here is that it was several hours of madness. He phoned this line and then had the intent to exchange messages and then have a whole text message conversation and I don't understand what must have been going through his head as he was sat in the car park awaiting the other bloke. And then to have the intent to arrange anyone straight after but this time at my house.
It would be easy for me if this was a drunken mistake, or something that happened in the heat of the moment with a colleqgue or something. It's the effort and organising that find it hard to just expect as a moment of madness in the heat of the moment.
But saying that didn't that labour MP who did something on that common claim a "moment of madness" and that didn't just happen - he needed to intend to visit the common so maybe I'm wrong.
Thanks guys
Lee he will do this again, perhaps not for a while but once the dust settles. He wants his cake and eat it.
You will spend the rest of your time wondering and looking for clues as to whether he is cheating again.
You would be better off without him and also not having to worry all time about his fidelity.
You will spend the rest of your time wondering and looking for clues as to whether he is cheating again.
You would be better off without him and also not having to worry all time about his fidelity.
Lee. You have obviously fallen headlong for this chap, and I empathise with your difficulty in accepting the general advice on here and from your friends that you should walk away. Unfortunately, just because you have fallen hard does not mean you have fallen right. I wont give you my opinion, I already know you have every excuse for him!
Instead of focussing on how you feel about him, I challenge you to spend 10 minutes thinking about what he gives you and how he enhances your life. Im not talking about how he makes you feel (which actually comes from you), I want you to think about his actions, not his words. I think the answer will be clear.
Instead of focussing on how you feel about him, I challenge you to spend 10 minutes thinking about what he gives you and how he enhances your life. Im not talking about how he makes you feel (which actually comes from you), I want you to think about his actions, not his words. I think the answer will be clear.
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In my opinion it depends on the type of person you are, and it sounds like you are the faithful and committed type so I don't think you will ever be happy in this relationship. I think you need to show some self-respect, like someone has said before, and not let him p**s all over you.
He only appears to be using you for your house. Do you really think you could ever trust him again? Have you been going to work wondering what he's getting up to?
Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Regardless of what he has said, he has done this to you - if he loved you there is no way he would have considered doing anything to hurt you.
I think you need to grow some balls. There's plenty more fish in the sea and the right one is there for you somewhere.
He only appears to be using you for your house. Do you really think you could ever trust him again? Have you been going to work wondering what he's getting up to?
Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Regardless of what he has said, he has done this to you - if he loved you there is no way he would have considered doing anything to hurt you.
I think you need to grow some balls. There's plenty more fish in the sea and the right one is there for you somewhere.
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