Still don't know what to do...

[fizzyBee]

Sorry, I'm sure I'm annoying people with this by now as I posted the other day. http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/R elationships-and-Dating/Question451499.html

Anyway, he swears blind he had no idea that video was there. I made a couple of comments about how I didn't see why she was so special and he said it's whats on the inside that counts and he said everyone liked her because she had her head sorted (something he's always telling me to do) and there was nothing wrong with her and nothing wrong with their relationship. They just grew apart (they were together for a year and a half and apparently the first 6 or 8 months he claims he would have left her anyway if his previous ex would have taken him back because he was still so hung up on her).

I'd had enough, took off my ring and said I was leaving ut somehow we instead ended up going out for dinner. At this point he said he was sorry and he realises he can be selfish. I said I couldn't understand whyhe always takes her side. He said that if he were the judge in the situation, he would take her side because of how he treated her (he cheated on her a lot - something she apparently doesn't know about). I asked that if he could have done things differently then so they were still together, would he have and he kept avoiding the question by saying he's do his whole life differently but it's worked out well because he's with me now. I was upset and he went outside. When he came back he said he loved me, began to cry and said he didn't want me to leave. At home he asked me to put my ring back on. His friend also told me that he was happy to be marrying me and that his exact words in an email were "I'm engaged to a charming little woman. Lets hope it's the good one tis time".I don't know what to thing. I'mso scared he'd rather be with his ex but I don't want to

[Gwennie]

You poor thing this must be tearing you up. Personally I dont think that any man worth his salt should make you feel this way and unfortunately because you have a huge lack of trust its likely to always be niggling at you. If it was me I'd probably call it a day now rather than be signing divorce papers in a few years.

[radiogaga]

hiya hun, could you take a break, for a few weeks to think things over. maybe goto your mum/pals house. there you will have time and clarity to think about things. dont rush into any decision until you have thought everything over. best of luck sadie. xxx

[tiny e.a]

'charming little woman'? That's as happy as he is to be marrying you? Personally, unless you're posting from 1920, I'd get rid of him if that's as much of a compliment as he could muster.

[Sasha13]

I must admit, tiny e.a that I agree with you - it's not much of a compliment - neither is the second part 'Lets hope it's the good one this time'???? WTF?

At the end of the day it's possible he didn't know all these photos and videos were there. You obviously love him. Tell him how you feel about all this - try to do it with out whinging. Ask him to delete the photos and videos this time without fail. If you find any more, get rid of him. (I'd be tempted to do that anyway reading everything I've read, but I know it's easier said than done).

[jno]

so he imagines himself being a judge in the situation rather than actually being involved? And he thinks you're a charming little woman? Well, he sounds like a jerk to me; but my opinion doesn't matter, yours does. You're scared he wants someone else, you find it hard to believe a word he says, you know he cheated on his last gf, you find inappropriate videos on his computer...

And you're considering marrying him? Why?

He may turn out to be Mr Right (though I doubt it), but surely you need to be a hell of a lot surer within yourself before you even contemplate such a step?

[Goodsoulette]

I don't think you should make him get rid of all the videos and pictures. They are part of hid life. Get him to burn them to a disc, so they aren't readily available all day long. He did these things with her and unfotunatly you know about them...which you shouldn't. If its that much of a problem for you, you are never going to get over it.

Stop asking him about her, if you truly love him, you are going to drive him away. Are you sure your friend told you and you werent snooping again? I know in your previous question you said you had accessed his emails and from this point on you should do that no more. He hasnt cheated on you has he? He just has a past relationship where he thinks fondly of the girl still, he says he loves you, why would he lie? Drop it!

[Sasha13]

Goodsoulette - if they were pictures of day trips that this guy and his ex had been on then I'd agree - but they're not.

And to me, keeping pictures of this nature doesn't mean he thinks fondly of this girl, it means he's keeping them for w@nk fodder. If it was porn that he'd got of some unknown woman then that's one thing, but it isn't - it's deeply personal photos of him and his ex - if he isn't still in love with her or doesn't want to keep these photos for the above purpose, then to me there is no reason to keep them.

One thing I do agree with though fizzybee is that if you don't get the bottom of this and it doesn't stop becoming such an issue, you're going to drive him away - so you need to think carefully about what you want to happen and whether it's reasonable then tell him. If it doesn't happen, or it does but it doesn't make you feel better, then I think you're better off out of the relationship.

[jno]

Should I stay or should I go?

in cases like these, Sigmund Freud used to suggest that you toss a coin.

As soon as it's in the air, you'll know which way you want it to come down.

And that's the way you choose (regardless of whether it comes down that way or not).

[China Doll]

The last post by jno is the best piece of advice on here.

It also 100% works.

It's pretty much how I make most of my major decisions in life I'm sorry to say. It's a very quick way of discovering what the heart and head want. They may often seem in disagreement but the truth is they rarely are. (They're just very argumentative sometimes).