How to help a hoarder?

[Karen2005]

My mum is a hoarder - mainly newspapers and magazines that are half-read but "might have an interesting article I want to read/keep", but also piles of clothes and other useless junk that has presumably been kept because it "might come in useful/be worth something one day".

My old bedroom has stuff belonging to me in there and I am determined to clear out my belongings in an attempt to kick-start getting rid of the junk elsewhere. This is difficult though as a) other stuff has been put in my room, making it difficult to sift through to my belongings and b) actually being allowed to throw away broken toys/teddy bears/school exercise books that mum will want to hold onto for sentimental reasons.

Although mum has sometimes admitted she is a hoarder, I've never seen any real attempt for her to change her behaviour. She often gets defensive if either myself, my dad (who also has to live in the house!) or my siblings try to speak to her about it.

Can anyone give me any advice on speaking to her about it and helping her change her hoarding behaviour? (I suspect it's one of those things that can only be changed if the person actually wants to change.)

[Ethel]

If she's happy and her home isn't causing any sort of health risk, leave her to it.

Frankly how an adult chooses to live is nothing to do with you.

[daffy654]

Being a hoarder is a bit like having OCD.The sufferer won't get help unless they can admit they have a problem.As Ethel said though,if there is no health hazard maybe you should leave her to it.

[jane1098]

i'm a bit of a hoarder myself. i have old stuffed teddys etc and i like to be able to go back to the old mags etc to check stuff out, finish reading or finish doing puzzles.
you could ask to go through things if they smell mouldy but other than that as ethel says if theres no health issues and shes happy leave her to it.

[puddicat]

karen i have posted before about my mum, she is like yours not so much mags and papers, but general stuff, she is the queen of the bootsale and i find that i am getting like her,she gets very defensive and i tell her that she is a fire hazard, so much crap cant get into rooms for it,when my sisiter came up to stay, she had to share a bed with mum, as the 2 other rooms were chokka, i dont think she will change now she is 76, could be something to do with o.c.d., i find its the sheer mountain of stuff i have to get sorted that puts me off, ie where do i start lol!thats partly what she will be thinking, maybe if you all got together with her, and decided on tackling one room at a time, and be tough section it up, like charity shop,or bin, or even skip if needs be, for me i will have to wait i think till she passes away sadly!!!you will have to be ruthless with getting rid of it!!!!

[Karen2005]

To some extent I agree that it's her home and I should leave her to it, however, my dad also has to live there and it isn't fair on him to have to put up with so much junk.

It is a health risk in that mum suffers from asthma and the junk collects dust which cannot be good for her breathing. Also it is a fire hazard.

Our situation is similar to puddicats - you can barely open the doors to certain rooms because of the newspapers and other accumulated junk. If anyone comes to stay it's a military operation shifting stuff from one room to another to simply get to the bed (and it really shouldn't be a problem as there are two spare bedrooms).

The major catalyst is that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby and they have asked for one room to be cleared out so they can put a cot in there and use it as a guest room when they come to stay. At the moment it's inconceivable that they could stay there for the reasons mentioned above.

I want to help by clearing out my old bedroom completely and turning it into a guest room but in order to do so mum needs to help too.

[butterflies]

The problem with a lot of hoarders (my mother was one and my husband) is they just can't bring themselves to throw things away. Both these people were children during a war so maybe you're brought up on it. My mother would very willingly give her stuff away to anybody wanting it but just hated putting things in the bin unless it was perishable. This has now been sorted with my husband as he sells his stuff in car boot sales. He gets a great deal of pleasure in seeing people's eyes light up at something. Everything's sold cheaply so the stuff does go. Maybe your Dad and Mum could try that.

[WendyS]

If your father is getting really fed up with the junk, it's perhaps down to him to start exerting pressure. Could you persuade him to take your mother away for a long week-end somewhere?. Then just move in and have a good old clear-out in her absence. Despite her protestations she might be delighted to have it done once she sees the end results. . Perhaps it's just that the sheer amount of junk has become so overwhelming that she doesn't know where to start ? Perhaps also try persuading her that keeping the house clean and tidy would be so much easier if she had some empty surfaces she could simply whizz a duster over, or some blank areas of carpet which the vacuum cleaner can be run over.

[Karen2005]

Thanks for your answers. I know in the past (when I still lived at home) if anyone attempted to throw something away (or even if she just suspected that something had been thrown away, when in reality it had just been moved or hidden by something else) she would get very angry and upset. Dad has tried exerting pressure to encourge her to make a start, but it usually ends up with her feeling "got at". However, that may have changed. I do think it's the sheer volume of rubbish that is off-putting (I really want to make a difference and I'm daunted).

Something that is quite telling is that her bedroom is very neat and tidy with no extraneous "stuff". It's almost as if that's her sanctuary away from the rest of the house. I do think that if another room can be cleared and perhaps re-decorated that might be the boost to carry on and have the rest of the house back again.

[woofgang]

two suggestions....is her GP helpful? as this might have a psychological base which needs to be addressed....she will need to want to address it though. The other is http://www.flylady.net. If you can ignore the americanisms (no disrespect to or transatlantic cousins intended) there is loads of good advice and support