should my ex husband see his children when he feels like it

[vway]

My husband and I have split in January,he left me and the children,there are many matters to the divorce which many of you have already given answers and support to.My next problem is his attitude to seeing the children. At the moment he see's them Weds afternoon and every other weekend the problem is he thinks he can phone when he likes if he has a spare 5 mins and wants to see them.I have tried to explain that it is not always convienent as I have tried to make a new life for myself and the children and often have plans,I have requested the gives me 48hrs notice if he would like to see them out of the planned arrangements but he says I'm being pathetic and stopping him from seeing his children.


Iam still in the marital home which is shared with his parents, he was living there but now I think he is living with his girlfriend, when the children move into the new home even his father thinks he can just call round when he feels like it! I just feel the children need stability and have a set timetable when they see their father. My children are 8 and 2,they were both ill over easter he did not offer any help or request to see them.


Am I wrong wanting my own life with my children who he left by trying to give them stability and security.

I do know that some will say I should be greatful for an ex that wants to seee his children but I feel him coming and going when he pleases will confuse them being so young.

[beverleymot]

mate ur situation again is just like mine!! its good that he wants to c them but u need to sit down together and discuss a routine!

[B00]

I'm not in your situation nor have I ever been, so maybe that's why my reply is different and not one you may want to hear (sorry!).

I believe that as their parent as much a you are, a father has every right to see his children as and when he wants. Surely a loving father who wishes to spend as much time with his children is better than one who doesn't want to know? And will provide far more stability. At least his children will grow up knowing that their father want's to be with them.

I personally think that a family breakup is extremely hard and to be only to see your children when someone else dictates must be heartbreaking.

[BuckTarbrush]

sorry wizard66 but i think your posting was well out of order, there was no need for that. I too am bringing up another mans children. Me and my partner have been throuh exactly what vway is going tthrough now with her ex just expecting you to drop everything because he wants to see the kids.and its just not on, dont get me wrong it is good that he wants to see the kids but it needs to be arranged properly so that everybody knows where they stand, kids need routine. I agree 100% with beverlymot, if possibe it needs to be sorted and then kept to. at the end of the day vway you have a new life now and you have every right to make what ever plans you want without your ex spoiling things for you.

[gleaveyweave]

I also agree with beverleymot and just wanted to wish you all the best vway x I am also going through a divorce that has many issues attatched . wizard66 - you are way out of order and just plain rude, children need a routine and seeing as how vway is the one bringing the children up for 95% of the time, yes, her soon to be ex DOES have to fit in with her.She is being more that reasonable with her requests.

[Bohne]

I also think you should find a compromise.
Don't let your bad feelings towards your ex get in the way of trying to do what's best for your children.

If he has five minutes and wants to spend them with his children, why not let him, if you have nothing better to do?

At the same time, obviously, if he calls while you are out at the zoo, or shopping, of visiting friends, he will have to accept, that the children are not available for him to see AT THAT MOMENT.

Loosen up a little!

[BuckTarbrush]

Well said triggerhppy.wizzard you've done it again, stop being so bloody rude. come back and post a sensible reply when you know what you are talking about.

[amonty1144]

You are right to set boundaries, it is much easier for the kids if they know when he is coming and for how long. You are also entitled to a life and he can't expect you to drop everything to fit around him.
why not involve him in some activites that he can take the kids to, that would also take some heat off you.
there is no reason why he can't phone but calling round, it is your home not his, set the rules now.

[Goodsoulette]

My ex treats my house like it is his, he comes round when he pleases, uses the loo without asking and expects me to drop anything so he can see the kids. I am relieved he is emigrating to America tomorrow as this stops any confusion. My kids don't understand that he is married to someone else and thinks this non scheduled behaviour signals that we are together. WHilst it is great, children need to know what is going on, at the moment I have a near on 7 year old who wets the bed, but only on days when he sees his dad.

I say children need routine, they need to know whats going on.

Hopefully you will have a better backbone than me.

[B00]

Despite Goodsy's very eloquent post (hello hon, you ok?) I still have to agree with Wizard, though perhaps not as ferociously?

A father should be able to see his own children when he wants, obviously this can't always be accomodated with if you yourself are doing something that's planned with the children.

I can see why Wizard feels so passionately about this- I'd be devastated to be told I could only see my children at given days and times.

[beverleymot]

wizard- ur an idiot-

vway if ur ex wants to see the kids regualrly then great you cant complain but make sure its routine. if he wants to see them 2 or 3 days a week then so be it- as long as its in set hours. you should not be expected to drop everything when he clicks his fingers.

Just remember tho that you must then work any of your own plans around his agreed visiting times saves arguments!!

[figure]

I totally agree with Boo and see Wizard's points. We all have different emotional reactions to different incidents and circumstances. Telling someone how to react or feel about their children is unwarranted in my opinion. A parent love is unconditional toward their child/children.

Vway - if the tables were turned how would you have felt?

[whiffey]

As you reap, so will you sow. I wish you all the very best at a difficult time. Children grow up and rather sooner than the law theoretically allows, start to make their own minds up.

In slightly less violent language, I am with wizard66 on this one, a woman full of bitterness, and with care and control, can in the long term (and oh so righteously!!) shoot herself in the foot, because the kids do not see Dad in the same way that she does.

Nothing that you are saying here is new, vway, even if you think it is. Just be sure that when they become young adults that they have no reason to resent EITHER of you.

[vway]

If people in this site want to get into personal slanging matches with each other then fine, I'm sure that some people that have answered feel they are perfect parent's but I'm asking for advice and help with an issue that is new to me!!!!

There have been some valid comments made which I will take on board, And I welcome all views as long as the insults stop as you have no idea what sort of person or mother Iam