unfit mother?

[rugeleyboy]

i may of mentioned this person before and i have lready made my mind up that i will be doing nothing as it's nothing to do with me, but i need to ask anyway.

a friend who i used to work with has a partner and 2 children (7 & 8), his partner has started to become erratic over the past few years and doing some very strange things indeed, it started to become a problem for me when she would ring every other minute and demand he go home as the children were doing her head in and she couldnt handle them, then over the past couple of years she has let herself go, and because of her own lack of cleanliness her children have started to go to school smeely and with unclean clothes and uncut/unwashed hair.

the house is unfit for habitat and they have 2 dogs that poo and wee everywhere but she doesnt clean it up... the house they live in is rented to them by me, i have done as much as i can by evicting the dogs from sept 1st and insisting on a fortnightly inspection, i dont know if i can do that but for the kids sake they need a clean house.

anyway........ the problem has esculated over the past couple of weeks with her thinking that everyone is trying to kill her,including the doctor who has expressed his concern that she need help, but she thinks he is trying to drug her so she wont take the pills, she thinks that someone is poking her in the side and every now and again will jump out of her skin and scream because someone has just poked her....... even if there is no one around?... except for her fella and kids.

her boyfriend had to give up work to look after his kids over the summer break because she cant handle them but he can no longer take anymore from her as she wont help herself and has left her!!!

i am really worried about the kids as i dont believe she is in the right mental state to look after herself?

my wife has told me to keep out of it and perhaps i should?

[rugeleyboy]

ps............. it would be like a full blown novel if i told you everything she has done to him or her!!

i started to get worried when she refused to pick the kids up from school........... this has since happened twice!

[helliebobs]

Hi RB, I remember you're original post.
Unfortunately, I don't see what you can do! If the doctor can't get through to her, I don't see how you would. It sounds like she needs serious help though, but he needs to put those kids first - are there any relatives who can help out with the kids while he tries to help her?

[dove]

to be honest, I scrolled to the bottom and of your post and read..' i am really worried about the kids i dont believe she is in the right mental state to look after herself?
you should do what you believe what is right, and by what I have read (only these two lines) you need to get help IMMEDIATELEY X good luck and please let us know how you get on x
..

[pinktwink]

this sounds a very stressful situation for you. If her partner isnt in a position to keep the children safe and provide adequate care for there welfare it may be worth contacting social services to notify them of your concerns they may be able to provide additional support ffor her to care for her children or seek to get her familys help. Too often the public sits by and seees children suffer without contacting the authorities, whilst it is not an easy call it has to be done.

I work with children whose parents are unable or unwilling to care for them and often it i is too late by the time we get to the childrenand they suffer more. Years of abuse or neglect takes a lifetime to work through for some
Good luck follow your heart and your instincts.

[Aprilis]

I think I would carefully consider making a call to Social Services. Whether I could bring myself to actually do it or not is another matter.

It sounds like she is in serious need of medical intervention. Perhaps this friend of yours could speak to her Doctor and explain the gravity of the situation. If she has a psychiatric problem it will only worsen if nothing is done. If the Doc thinks it appropriate it is possible that he could apply to have her sectioned under the Mental Health Act if she is a danger to herself and her children while left untreated.

I can see this is a real toughie for you as you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[Rosetta]

From what you say she has serious problems
I would suggest you contact

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/HelpAndAdvice/WhoTurnT o/NSPCCHelpline/helpline_wda33161.html

To discuss your worries

[rugeleyboy]

yes, i feel a little bit useless.

he (the father) has no get up and go so he hasnt done much because he was in denial about there being a problem, now his answer is to run away...... he broke his heart tonight tho when we spoke, he does love his kids a lot. he has already aproached her doctor about this but i dont think the doctor took him seriously and after he convinced his partner to go to the doctor with him they just gave her tablets which she wont take!!

[Aprilis]

Another way of tackling this problem is to contact the childrens' school and express your concerns. The school has a duty where child protection is concerned and maybe it's better if they can take up the baton.

[lil75]

Sounds like she is having a nervous breakdown, you can contact social services, they wont neccesarily take the children away, but may provide help for the mother, they could take them away for a short while until the mother gets herself help, and is lets say back to normal. Social services are there to help, and only take the children as a last resort.

It must be a horrible environment for them to live in, they are probably afraid of there mothers screams (when someone pokes her), its not good, I would act on it now, for the sake of the children...good luck! x

[helliebobs]

RB, your mate is very lucky he has someone like you who obviously cares and is worried for him and his family.
xxx

[pinktwink]

i would contact social services myself rather than expect the school to. The school may not be aware of the full extent of what the children suffer Too often they too with all the good will in the world delay making reports. Contacting social services is never easy and too often peoplr stand by hoping someone else will do it.

as a child protection worker it is easier to help familys the sooner we are aware of their difficulties. When we become involved in the latter phase often more drastic intervention is required as the problem is so entrenched. Perhaps a good outcome for these children is to spend a short period with relatives whilst their mum receives the necesary help.
as the childrens father your friend also has a role to play in ensuring the welfare of his children and to take whatever action he needs which would reduce the need for social services

[obNOXious]

this lady needs help and sympathy. no-one wants to be like that and she is at present clearly totally unable to cope. she may fear asking for help because she thinks that her children might be taken away and that people will blame her and judge her, so whoever calls for the help she so obviously needs needs to take their time and ideally see someone face to face to explain it all. I don't think a brief phonecall will really suffice at all, this needs to be handled carefully so that the children are not at risk and she doesn't feel victimised.
Touch sensation that isn't there can in rare instances be a sign of schizophrenia ( I was investigated for unreal touch sensations and that was one possible diagnosis, however mine is caused by my brain injury) so it really is very important that she get real help and isn't just fobbed off with anti-depressants.
You really should I think try to get her partner on board with seeking proper help and strategising a way forward where he maybe takes respeonsibility for the children for a while whilst her problems are properly addressed. Mental illness/ depression is a truly terrible thing and she deserves help rather than blame, the trouble will be making her appreciate that she needs some in her present state as it's very easy to become paranoid that gaining that help will possibly make things worse.

[boogieboogie]

If the childrens father is looking after the children then there is no need to involve the social services surely.

This is a mental health problem and she needs help, but she seems unwilling and may even end up (sectioned under the mental health act) which can be avoided if she's pursuaded to seek professional advice.

Social services are useless and ruthless, I know people in these jobs and they're pretty stupid, have no life experience and no children, but a text book and a qualification. Don't involve them.

[pinktwink]

thats a bit harsh boogie and very damning of all social services. I work in social services and we are all not stupid thanks. Besides you need a masters to be a social worker so they all have brains. The public are very quick to judge social workers for not acting fast enough. Too often the public dont report things until it is very bad, resources are low and staff overworked. All of us care deeply about the childrens lives we affect.You woulnt be able to do the job if you didnt care and have compassion given the level of emotional pain and suffering we endure on a daily basis

[rugeleyboy]

nox........... that sounds like what she is suffering with?

we always use to put her behaviour down to post natal depression but after 7 years???

her boyfriend has now had to leave her and the kids behind because of her erratic behaviour.... its mostly towards him she lets off steam. he is a great father and when the wife and I questioned why he left his children with her he responded...... my son (8) was crying his eyes out and begging me not to go and my daughter (7) was stood telling her elder brother that he (the dad) had to leave or us 3 would have to go?

Once again, he has taken her to the doctors and they have given her pill's, however because she thinks someone is trying to kill her she wont take them?

[birdbath]

What a horrible situation to find yourself involved with rugeleyboy, i wouldnt envy you that. It makes me wonder how the father can up and leave knowing the situation and not take the kids with him!As hard as the situation is i think if it were me i would have to involve someone, yes i agree with your wife that it isnt your business but just think how you would feel if god forbid something bad happened to one of those kids and you knew of the situation and didnt act upon it.
The lady obviously needs help the problem wont just go away and if her and her husband are either too ill or selfish to put the kids first then i think they need outside help of someone that will.I couldnt live with myself knowing i could have prevented something and didnt, but dont get me wrong i can just imagine how hard a situation it must be for you.

[obNOXious]

Well I've got to be honest I have a brain injury ( caused by my father beating the bejaysus out of me when I was a little kid) which causes me to exhibit feelings of touch which are not there and it's very disquieting for those around me who don't know what it is, but something that was initially suggested was schizophrenia. Oweing to the fact that I had always had anger management problems/depression people always assumed I was a bit ' not right in the head' to coin a phrase , and truthfully when people think that of you it is very easy to become somewhat paranoid ( which I was at that point).After extensive tests and so forth they decided that it was the frontal and temporal lobe damage that I have which was in fact causing it, but in this lady's case that's probably not going to be the case, although I'm not at all sure that you're not right and it's Post Natal Depression gone to it's most horrible and distressing full extent. My first wife had it after one of our kids and she was very very unstable for a while and i know that it can surface and be prevalant years later.
I'm not a big fan of social services either to be honest, and tend to agree that the vast majority are as boogie describes, and frankly a tame chimp can get a masters degree ( liveing proof I have one:) so that's not an indication that they can display any common sense at all, so I think your way forward is to try to persuade the father to return and deal with the problem. They are his kids, he needs to help them and take responsibility for ensuring that his wife gets treatment without allowing his family to disintegrate.

[obNOXious]

It's true also though what pinktwink said, not all social workers are ruthless and stupid, however it's a bit of a lottery as to whether you get a good , intelligent deeply caring one or a complete imbecile so tread very carefully and make sure whoever you contact has the time to talk to you for a an hour so they can get the complete picture, or I think this might go from bad to worse for the poor woman.
I really do feel for everyone involved here, it's a very bad situation for all concerned. The kids need to be kept safe and happy but this poor woman does need help and sympathy not to be told she's mad, unfit or otherwise lacking or she'll just withdraw and run away from all the people that could potentially help her.

[China Doll]

Personally I would call social services, NSPCC or Childline and seek advice immediately. While I feel for the woman I don't believe the children should suffer. Without meaning to sound cold and uncaring, from what you have described, I'm suprised she hasn't been sectioned for her own good. She is clearly in need of some serious help and if she can't/won't accept it because of her present state of mind then I feel it should be done against her will, horrible as that sounds.

The problem for me is the children are seeing and living all this and the future reprecussions on them if no one steps in and this is allowed to continue is really potentially quite damaging. They must be suffering so much now as it is and that's just not fair.

[bednobs]

you can contact the nspcc anonymously