Am I wrong to be feeling like this?

[loubeelou]

I have been with my bf for nearly a year, he spends all of his evenings at my house, I did post a question on here not so long ago about how he virtually lives with me, but doesnt really help me with the running of the house, im not really talking about the cost, I mean he leaves his mess everywhere, and rarely offers to help with the housework...I feel like his other "mum", which I know is my fault and I have been making steps to rectify this!

He said to me today that he had brought his parents a little something as a contribution to his, festive activities...meaning that he would be spending xmas day with them and not me, he went on about how much food they buy and drink. I have a child from a previous relationship which his mum does not agree with and although I have met the mum, she has never once asked me about my child she just makes genral chit chat, and whenever I have gone there I have to get my son looked after. Now obviously im going to be spending the day with my son, which in turn means I will not be invited to there little gathering!!!

If im honest, im quite hurt....he talks about marriage and a future together, yet he would rather leave me and my son on our own, whilst he spends his day with them, am I being selfish here? Im not saying that he cant see his parents but just thought that being our 1st christmas together he would have liked to have shared it with me, seen as he is here all the time, and maybe go and see his mum later in the evening....maybe im being silly, which is why I have posted this question, as I want to know how anybody else would feel?

[Lakitu]

No, it's not wrong to be feeling upset about it, but do you think there's any reason why he wouldn't have invited you? Can you stand back and try to look in on the situation, has there been any instances where you've indicated that you wanted to stay at home with your son, maybe making him assume that you wouldn't come anyway?

Can't you just talk to him about this?

[loubeelou]

Thankyou for your answer, the reason why I wont be invited is because of my son!!! His mum has made it clear she doesnt really want a lot to do with me because I have a child from a previous relationship........thats why we wont be invited. I would like to talk to him about this, but if im honest will probably end up crying in front of him, and I dont want to do that, silly I know.

[Lakitu]

Well, if I were you, I'd be seriously considering where the relationship is going. If he wants to settle down with you, then he's taking on a package deal. Do you really want to be feeling like this each Christmas/birthday/special occassion? Is he always going to 'choose' his mother over you? So what if you cry? It's upsetting you and to be fair to him, he can't change it if he doesn't know how much it's bothering you.

[loubeelou]

Your so very right Lakitu, Im one of these people that can hide my feelings very well and its not a good thing to do....I have thought about why he would rather be with them and not us, and I just dont know the answer, so I guess im going to have to ask him. I know his family mean the world to him and I respect that, but I thought we did too, if you know what I mean

[123everton]

It's early days yet, I imagine he's coming to yours in the evening.
Is he a good father figure to your son? Or could he be?
If he is, then you've got the beginnings of a future how you both deal with his mother can be sorted later.
I'd say chill out have a nice Christmas with your boy, next year your BF might be there and getting on your t1ts!

[Lakitu]

Yes, I know what you mean. I struggle to open up too, so I do know how you feel, but if you can spit it out you want to talk, the rest should follow.

If his family mean the world to him, then I'm guessing they feel the same about him, so him having a word in his mother's ear about accepting HIS choice of partner would be nice.

[loubeelou]

Thank you 123 Everton, yes he is ok with my son and would probably be a whole lot better if he just cut them apron strings....I feel like getting a chainsaw on them ;O)

The last part of your reply made me smile, thanks!

[loubeelou]

Yes Lakitu, they mean the world to him and he means the world to them, which is not a bad thing as it means he considers family to be an important thing....he talks about a future, but I think he is a little scared if im honest! I dont know why, I work and manage to pay all the bills etc, so if we work together it should be easy. He has already had plenty of words in his mothers ears about me and my little one, but it falls on deaf ears! Thank you so much for taking the time to help me on this, its very kind of you x

[welshlibranr]

oh loubeelou, My situation was so like yours, my guys mum disliked him taking on a 'ready made family' me and my gorgeous son, he was 6 years old, and she didn't want to know him, I was adamant that we came as a package, love me, love my son! I was so lucky! he loved us both and still does, but if he'd chosen his mum, then that would have been the end for me, I just couldn't have accepted that at all! think about it, if he really cares he should need to be with you and your child, his mother will have no choice but to accept this, don't let yourself and yhour child be econd best! hope this helps............................welsh

[Lakitu]

That's such a shame it's fallen on deaf ears. I can only reiterate you talk to him about it - and his fears, and the future - and come to some kind of agreement.

I think Everton is correct, spend this Christmas with you boy, but from next year, you do things as a family, and if his mother doesn't accept that, then a shock (like your b/f not spending christmas with mother next year) might be just the tonic she needs.

Please talk to him though, take care and let us know how you get on x

[loubeelou]

Hi Welsh, I dont understand these women, are they that shallow minded, that they cant at least try and put themselves in other peoples situations?!!! I would never act in this way towards my sons choice of partner, unless she was a really bad person, and where not, just single parents! As long as my child is happy and loved, that would be my main concern!

I am going to have this conversation with him tommorow and see what he says, maybe things would be different if he just took the plunge and moved in, as he has talked about it a lot!

[loubeelou]

Spot on Lakitu, I will spend the day with my son, but next year will be a different story, will let you know how the talk goes x

[Rosetta]

Loubeelou, you both sound quite young, how old are you?

In a waynhe is still acting as the boy (not upsetting parents) rather than choosing you as the man. Its a hard belief that boys don't generally grow up as fast or as soon as us girls. You have to talk to him honestly and try and get some agreement on this and other roles within the house, for example pulling his weight in the house. Remember its the two of you together, you don't want a relationship with another child stuck in the Kevin phases

Good luck

[loubeelou]

Hi Rosetta, we are both in our early 30's!!!! lol

[pinktwink]

whist he may love you thise apron strings to the mom will only get tighter the older she gets and demands more . If yee are to have a future together as a family unit you need to cut the strings now or cut loose. You need to let him know your true feelings as if he feels you don't mind of course he will go home . Lay your foundations and boundrys now before it is too late. Your son will also be wondering why your partner is away for xmas good luck

[welshlibranr]

Good \luck loubeelou, I eally hope it works out for you and your child, if your boyfriend really cares, he will find a way to be with you, and make no mistake he can make it right with his mother if he really tries, let him sort it out! I hope that all will be well for you all....................welsh

[Rosetta]

Lordy loubeelou, I assumed he was much younger

[Rosetta]

Sorry, pressed submit too soon. You need to have a discussion with your fella. Its good that he has a good relationship with his family, but he has to realise that he has other responsibilities with you and your child.

I'm not suggesting you make him choose between you and his mum. Frankly anyone making me make that choice does not love me but want's to control me because of his insecurities, so use your intelligence and knowledge to try and solve this problem

[Velvetee]

He hasn't yet grown up and still hasn't realised he's in an adult relationship.

As he lives with you and is now part of your family, he should be spending Christmas with you, whether it's at his parents or not. It seems you are not being treated as a serious partner by his parents, otherwise you would have been invited.

You really need to speak out and tell him how you feel and find out where he really sees the relationship going.

[Ice.Maiden]

Give him one more chance. Let him gracefully go for Christmas with his parents, and then when you get back together again, insist that you know where you stand. If the guy really wants you and your son, then he'll have to get the backbone to stand up to them and tell him that he cares for you, and he's staying with you both, whatever they might think of the situation. Best of luck.