Embarrased daughter

[HJT40]

Not sure if this should go in here or family life. Anyhow your comments and advice required!

My daughter, who is 14 came back from seeing her dad and step mum on saturday, she goes every friday night. Normally he stays up with her and watches a dvd or tv with her. Last week he and his wife had an "early night", leaving her on her own in the living room. When she came home she was quite upset. It turned out that their bedroom is directly above the sitting room and she was trapped in there for an hour hearing what was going on above her. She was too embarrased to go to bed herself. Her words to me were "I could here everything, every single word" She was, to me, visibly upset.

Since I began a new relationship I have always been conscious of making sure my daughter does not feel awkward about anything we do and she is my priority.

Now I feel that I should say something, but on the other hand a little too embarrased myself to broach the subject.

What would you suggest?

[sophie_1003]

mention to her dad that their house isn't soundproof, as discovered by your daughter and maybe he should keep this in mind next time she stops.

[pips1]

I think that was selfish of them, if she is only 14 and only sees them one night a week then surely they could resist for one night. They are married after all, it's not like he's just met her. A similar thing happened to my daughter too and my ex was so not understanding of the situation (sorry, bad grammar) it escalated and my daughter no longer sees her dad. He always put the needs of his wife first and my daughter got more and more pushed away, she is older now and doesn't even miss him. Serves him right I think, I never interfered, it was purely her decision.

[MEJ]

I'd ask your daughter if she wants you to say anything (chances are she'll say no). If it happens again, I'd suggest to her that she turns up the TV really, really loud and hope that one of them comes down and complains, at which point she could say that she couldn't hear the tv over the racket they were making. That should nip it in the bud! Even if they don't come down, they should get the hint. It's hardly fair though, is it? I mean, it's not as if they can't do it any other night of the week?

[Cockney_si]

What were they talking about?

[HJT40]

Thank you for your answers.

She did turn the tv up, but no one complained and no one asked her why she wasn't speaking the next morning.

The added problem is that he refused to acknowledge her existence for the first 4 years of her life and she is still waiting for him to explain why. I told her that she would have to ask him because I wanted him to explain it to her, because he never explained it to me.

[crisgal]

the poor girl!
I think he needs to know that he has embarrassed her. I would definitely tell him.
Just say you're telling him to avoid any further embarrassment.

[ummmm]

But at 14 they know things like that go on.

[HJT40]

They do know things like that go on, but I don't know how graphic what she heard was. How would you feel if you knew a 14 year old had overheard what could be said? For her to be that embarrased I am sure they weren't saying I love you snuggle bun!

[HJT40]

Thank you all.

I have just telephoned him to tell him that he has a very embarrased daughter and that could he remember that his house is not soundproof (thank you Sophie) and that perhaps they could take this into account next time she stays as she did hear every word.

He was suitably mortified as he said that upstairs you cannot heat the television downstairs. I did mention that she did turn the tv up.

Glad I asked.... thanx!

x

[pips1]

Glad you've managed to let him know, even so there are still issues aren't there? I do feel for you both as my friend had a son who waited years to get answers from his dad and they never came. It messed him up big time, and even though he is now a dad himself it is still with him. I just wish that the estranged parent could just realise that a sit down heart to heart, where all the questions are answered, or even a simple apology for not being there, could make all the difference.

[Velvetee]

Yes, you should probably mention it and I'm sure he will be mortified and extremely embarrassed to know his daughter heard his recreational activities.

You say your daughter visits him every weekend. The thing is, your ex and his partner still have 4 or 5 days when they can be active, I really don't think it's right or necessary to do it on the couple of nights your daughter stays over.

[Beanmistriss]

Poor wee thing. I think you did the best thing by talking to him. Just wanted to add that I don't think its fair for people to say him and the missus shouldnt be getting it on with her in the house. Obviously not so she can hear! But when I lived at home and was growing up i'm sure my parents did it at some point in those years (well they must have, I've got a little sister). They just need to be more discreet. I bet he was even more emabarassed than she was.

[sqad617]

2 questions:

Does she want to see her Dad every Friday night.?

Does her Dad want to see her every Friday night?

[HJT40]

No she doesn't want to go there every week, but at 14 she changes her mind more often than her underwear! (which let me tell you is not too often!) But I can pretty much tell when there is something wrong and when she is just being a teenager trying to control the situation to her best advantage.

As for him, I am guessing he does as he drives10 miles to get her after he finishes work each week. He has never told me otherwise. That is something only he can answer.

[sqad617]

Thanks......I'm afraid this is a matter of "sitting it out"

The only other alternative is to have a word with your ex. and hope that it is sorted.

Sorry, but your choice.

[ummmm]

HJT40......I agree that if he sees her only every week then he should abstain for that evening.

But when a 14 year old lives with a couple full time they are bound to hear things that they shouldn't hear.

It's life....couples cannot expect to abstain 6 nights out of 7.

That was my point....

[HJT40]

Umm. I do understand what you are saying. She is living with me and my partner 6 nights a week and we don't abstain, but we are respectful of her being there. I think what shocked and upset her was either what was said or the language that was used. Which of course I don't want to know either!

She has asked how it will be tonight when he picks her up, will it be embarrasing. I told her not to worry because i have spoken to him and it won't happen again. I have told her not so say anything and that he will probably be more embarrased than she is.

[sqad617]

HJT40....You ave done the right thing, now just sit back and wait.

[pips1]

Hi, hope your daughter got on OK this weekend with her dad.