Advice needed- Breakup when a child is involved

[JoeinCanada]

I'm 34 and have been in a relationship around 4 years now. We've been living together for just over 3. I have a son from a previous relationship and she has an 11 year old daughter. I do not have full custody of my son but her daughter lives with us and rarely sees her birth father.

The relationship has been going sour for the past 18 months. About 10 months ago I stopped sleeping in the same bed with her. I have been having problems with anxiety because I know it is approaching the end. However I am having a hard time ending this relationship due to her daughter. Her father is somewhat of a dead beat and does not have much to do with her. Her mother works from 2pm-10pm as a nurse so I am the one that makes her dinner and picks her up from school, puts her to bed at night. On numerous occasions her daughter has told me that she loves me more than she loves her mother. This really stuck with me. I realized at one point that it was over when I realized my girlfriend was only with me to be a father to her daughter. Her daughter and I were driving home from school and she said that last week she had asked her mother why she loved me. Her mother's response: "Because I know he is good for you."

This environment is not healthy and the children are not oblivious to this. I just feel trapped. It is affecting my own health and has resulted in myself having panic attacks. I've had to seek medical attention and am on medication for these attacks. I am not happy and am not "in love" with my partner, I know that at some point it is going to end. She refused counselling when we first started having problems. I just don't want to hurt this little girl whom I do love. I know in the end it will hurt her though. I just want some advice as to what is the "best" way to go about this. I know there is no best way, its going to be difficult no matter what happens. If anyone would be so kind to respond. I am really not a bad guy, I just cannot go on living

[JoeinCanada]

At the end for some reason it was cut off. It should have read, "I just cannot go on living this way"

[BabyCuda]

Ohh this is so hard. Maybe you could sit your daughter down and explain that things between you and her mother are not going strong at the moment, but you still love her. Couldn't you get a place to live near them so you could still be in her life?? It's better to end the relationship sooner rather than later, for all your sakes.
You could go to counselling on your own, without your wife, just to help you through this.

Argh! lol hope this helps you, im not too good in expressing what I mean in words. I kind of know what your going through, I'm having probs accepting my relationship is over, so you are not alone, keep your chin up, hope everything works out well for you xx

[Monkey77]

Sorry you're having such a hard time, relationships are more complicated the more people are involved, but all I would say it that the relationship with your partners daughter hasn't ended, you haven't fallen out of love with her. I don't doubt your partner is angry and hurt, but it is possible to go to counselling by yourself. Try explaining that you want her to go to counselling because you don't want to hurt her daughter by having an acremonious (sic) breakup, and perhaps if you can end things amicably you can maybe babysit occassionally or take her out for the day.

Hopefully you will work things out.

[tamborine]

For your own good you should get away from the grip of this little girl who puts too much emotion onto you. It could all turn very sour for you if you dont give yourself space to work things out. If the mother has little feeling for you then its dangerous for you to latch onto the daughter.