UP NORTH
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."
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Also up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing machine then stops, thinking for a minute.
He shouts to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yells back, "Manchester United.”
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My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.
He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "cans of lager and women with big tits."