Dealing with boyfriends ex-wife suicide attempt...

[Take_That]

I've been seeing a guy for about 2 months. He was married but split from his wife over 6 years ago as she cheated on him with his friend, they have 2 children which he mainly brings up. When she has the kids which is normally one day a week she'll cancel at last minute and you can't rely on her. She suffers from depression and has made attempts to kill herself in the past. He didn't divorce her as he said he couldn't afford it before but he has an appointment with the solicitors later this week to get the ball rolling.

He got a phone call yesterday to say that she was in hospital as she had tried to kill herself, she has been in an induced coma for the last day and they're not sure what the outcome will be - thats if she makes it.

I asked him how he felt yesterday and he got upset and said despite all the fighting they had done he would miss her if she wasn't to make it. He says he feels guilty for wishing her dead so many times because life would have been easier for him and the kids that way. He never said he was angry at her doing it or that he thought she was selfish for doing it or he was worried about how he would tell the kids.

She text him one night over the weekend at 2am in the morning about her friend having an accident. He helped her Dad carry stuff into her house for her a few weeks ago. When he drops the kids off he spends time with her to see what her mental state is like. They phone and text each other but I think its mainly about the kids. She moans to him about having no money a lot too.

I really like the guy and I trust him but I felt yesterday when he got upset that he maybe feels more for her than he lets on. I also think he will now no longer go to his meeting to starting divorce proceedings especially while she's hanging in the balance in hospital. We can't plan anything when the kids are due to go to hers because she cancels. She was complaining to him about me staying over the odd night. My last relationship didn't work because it felt like there were 3 in the relationship and I'm beginning to think it will be the same again in this relationship with the third person being his wife.

I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with him and talk about it but I can't do that while her prognosis is unknown. I'm going to wait and hopefully she'll make a full recovery and then we can discuss it. I've never been in a relationship with someone who is still married or who has kids and I understand she is the mother of his children and they have to speak which is fine but they split 6 years ago and it seems they are still a part of each others lives which extends further than just being about the kids.

Am I just reading into it too much or should I speak to him?

Thanks

[andy-hughes]

You need to tread carefully here.

Even though your partner and his wife are not together, and haven't been for some time, they are always going to be in touch (assuming she pulls through) because they share the children.

Having children with someone creates a powerful bond which is usually not severed by divorce, for practical, and as you are discovering, emotional reasons.

I think you need to make allowances for your partner's feelings for his ex-wifef, which may be simply rooted in caring for someone he used to love, even if he no longer loves her in that way.

Remember, he is not with her, he is with you, and in these early stages, it needs everyone to take it slowly and adapt to the changes, including the children, who now see someone else with Dad, and need to assimilate that change for themselves.

So avoid a 'sit down' and go with the flow where possible.

Make sure you do not allow anyone to see you as a 'substitute' mum, including him and the children - you are your own person at this stage, and everyone is going to take time to see what fits, and what doesn't.

Take things a day at a time, and remember, your partner's first concern is going to be for his children, and that will extend to a degree to his ex because of her relationship with him, and them.

It's complicated, but follow your instincts. Try not to look to draw 'ownership' lines with anyone, and you will find that if this relationship has a future - including with his children - it will grow organically, especially if it is not forced.

Good luck, and keep in touch - we are always here to help, and there is plenty of experience on the AB to call on.

[didoatwork]

Your boyfriend sounds like a caring sort of chap. It's early days. Keep strong.

[B00]

Good lord, you've only been with the man 8 weeks!

No, don't speak to him about it, his head must be in bits with dealing with his (i assume) upset children and their mother in the state she's in.

Let him sort his children out, which are far more of a priority than an insecure new girlfriend.

[dotty.]

I agree with B00, there are huge things going on in the lives of his family and you need to give him privacy to deal with it all.

[Jayne-123]

If I were you I would get out of this relationship before you get into deep, he has far too much baggage and I would frankly run a mile,

[fliptheswitch]

Jayne123, that is awful, terrible advice. Just because this guy has children, doesn't mean he has "far too much baggage". That'd be a nice thing to do wouldn't it, dump him with all of this going on! Nice.

I agree with the others, you should not speak to him about your insecurities now... it's not the time!
You just need to be there to support him.
As much as you don't want this woman to be a part of your lives, I'm afraid (if she pulls through), she always will be.
I think regardless of what their relationship is like now, your boyfriend is bound to be upset. What kind of person would you think he was, if he wasn't?

[Jayne-123]

I never said his children were "baggage". The problem is his ex and he needs to sort out his life before inflicting all this problems on a new relationship.

[fliptheswitch]

Ok, fair point. I apologise.

However, to be fair to the chap, I'm sure he wasn't expecting his ex wife to be in hospital fighting for her life, when he got into this new relationship. Just thought it was a bit harsh to say "run a mile", that's all.

[Take_That]

Thanks for the replies.

It does take time to adjust and I am aware that his kids are already asking if we're going to get married and if I'll be their step mum. While I'm glad they seem to like me so much already, I find it hard to think of a reply for them and it is taking some adjusting to!

The kids aren't upset about their mum, they just said she's always in hospital for taking the wrong tablets and never mentioned it again the rest of the night. They don't want their dad to leave them off half the time because they don't enjoy their time with her and are sick of being let down.

I know I have insecurities because of previous relationships and I'll admit to that (everyone says it like its a terrible problem lol but everyone has their faults) and its something I'm working on but thats where I think talking through problems or feelings is important. I totally agree now is not the right time though.

With regards to him being upset, I understand that she was his wife and he loved her once and she is the mother of his children. I would rather he cared than not give a toss because thats not the sort of man I want. I'm just wondering how often this sort of thing happens though and whether or not it will feel like she's always there messing up plans with her cancellations, upsetting everyone with suicide attempts and using him.

I guess I'll wait and see what happens. Thanks again

[hc4361]

How old are you? It takes a certain maturity to accept that his kids will always come before you (if he is a decent bloke), that his ex wife will have a more prominent role at functions like the children's big parties, graduations, weddings, that he and his ex will be the grandparents, that his ex WILL always be there, frankly whether she survives this or not.

His own parents may have strong ties with his ex. It's a very tough call.

You have only been with him 8 weeks. Support him as you would a friend but back off from the heavy stuff. His kids need him more than you at the moment.

[Take_That]

I'm in my early 30's. I accept that his kids will always come first but I don't want it to be his kids, his ex and then me...I think it should be his kids and then me and his relationship with his wife to be purely about the kids. I accept they need to have some sort of relationship because of the kids but am unsure of how much his role should be in her life. His ex probably won't be part of the bigger things in their lives unless she sorts it out a bit because she is never there for them and is always letting them down. She's not attended any birthday parties so far

[nannybooby]

Dont take it to heart he sounds like a nice guy have been in the same situation ,they just dont want to be responsible for somes death , of course he cares about his kids mum.However hes with you not her just keep that in your mind and heart.Goodluck

[B00]

But its still early days innit?

As you've said you've only been together a couple of months. I'm sorry but it's far too early (IMO) for you to start wishing/demanding you become a priority. And i'd certainly tell the kids marriage aint on the cards yet either!

[Take_That]

It is boo, I'll go with the flow and see what happens. I just didn't want to get too far into a relationship where feelings are stronger and a break up is harder on him and the kids if I couldn't deal with having the ex wife and him interacting so much.

[Craftypig]

If my ex wife were ever to die (regardless of circumstance) I would be gutted too. We brought two great children in to this world together and there will always be a bond between us. I think you should stop being so insensitive and be thankful that you are with him. Two months is comparable to the blink of an eye when it comes to relationships. The time may come when you need to lean on him, by the sounds of it, should that time ever come you should rest assured that he will probably be there for you ion a similar way too.

[brenda]

Be as patient and supportive as you can to him and the children .He is having a really bad time at the moment.

[Mcvj]

Wow, what a nightmare situation to be in.

Do you know if this suicide attempt was in response to any particular incident or whether it was due to her general depression?

Considering the bond that he has with her he might feel in a very awkward situation at the moment. Not knowing how to react considering that you are in such a new relationship. If the worst case scenario happened; I assume that he would have the children and he could also be concerned about the impact that will have on you.

Suicide is a horrible situation to be around, it really brings out a huge range of emotions; guilt, resentment, anger, frustration, pity etc he probably doesnt know what to do with them at the moment. I feel really sorry for him actually, he's getting it from all sides at the moment. Like the others have said, just be there for him and let him talk openly about his (probably very mixed) feelings.

[sallybb]

Its a great worry for him, he has to be there for his children. If you find it hard to talk to him, give him the reassurance he needs and deserves. Gestures can be more powerfull than words. Hugs, cuddles when he is feeling down, and a kind knowing look can let him know your behind him without getting into converation . It is something he is giong to have to sort out. Now his wife has tried to commit suicide she will probably get a lot of support via social services, she clearly needs some mental help. Good luck and be patient. He sounds a really caring chap and is well worth standing by until the situation eases.

[joko]

this is a scary and shocking thing for anyone to face... especially when its someone you know well...itd be bad enough if it was just a pal, but an ex...

hes probably confused, scared, scared for the kids and the future and if she dies what will happen and its also just a thing most people never have to deal with, so for it to happen must be a very weird thing to get your head around

so cut him some slack...see how it goes