my partner's naughty kids

[peason77]

my partner has 2 very 'challenging' children aged 7 and 9 boy and girl. He has them one week day and every other weekend. I am a single mum to a 4yr old girl. She's a very quiet and well behaved child (i'm not being biased, she genuinely is).
His 2 children smashed up his brand new bathroom 2 weeks ago, causing £300 of damage, as they were fighting to go to the toilet at the same time. I wasn't there. They are very hyper, naughty children who back chat constantly. I've taken a back seat (it's not my prob unless it affects my daughter) however, their dad did say to me that he's banned them from x box, dvds, treats etc for 3 months and if i see him relenting i must say to him. I think i can see the prob, but i'm no expert... the children have EVERYTHING! i mean EVERYTHING! i want, i get. Again i'm no expert but i said to him perhaps by not giving them everything they want all the time, you may see an improvement in their behaviour. Their parents are amicable and talk frequently, and i come from a broken home so im not oblivious to the problems children can have. It's his 7yr old son's birthday soon and he's going to buy him a motorbike! i said why spend so much when they're still on best behaviour? surely a few gifts from toys r us would be suffice? it's never done my daughter any harm. My question is, do i have the right to say he's mad? i don't think what you are doing is right?
Also we're supposed to be going camping with all the kids soon for a week, but i'm frightened it will be a nightmare with his kids, and i'll be so far away from home i'm stuck. Do i have the right to say if your kids don't learn some discipline by then, then my daughter and i will not come. I love kids, and am always loving towards his, but sometimes its hard to sit back and watch them call all the shots. Where do i stand? i don't want to do the wrong thing. Thanks

[sinderella]

you are entitled to your opinion.but so is he.i think that most children are being "challenging" because they are usually craving attention , either because their minds are not being fulfilled enough or they are being ignored.you have every right to not be a part of this problem.i personally would have a day out.if that was a success i would move on to a weekend.then to a week.good luck

[cathfromsaron]

surely they need to have consequences to their actions and EARN back the gadgets/toys as privilages!

what does their mother do with this issue?

"it's not my prob unless it affects my daughter"

the fact that you don't get involved is interesting and i wonder whether you are really commited to this relationship?

but as for the advice you seek, as an experienced grandmother, i would agree some *ground rules* with the children, the mother and your partner, and try to get some *consistency* into *all* these children's lives!

cath x

[peason77]

thank you for taking the time to reply to my question.
I have been out with them for days out and weekends. I am trying (and not visably). I have thought, it's an attention thing but their dad gives them most of his time.....and money! Their mother is desperate for a solution, and is not blind to their faults. She had given me the ok to tell them off, but i don't feel thats my place just yet. It's a shame because i'm loathe to spend too much time with them therefore my partner, because i can't take their constant bickering, fighting and back chat. My 4yr old actually went up to them both the other day and quite seriously said 'will you two behave!' I don't want to come inbetween my partner and his kids. Infact i'm keen to encourage time with his children, but as for us all together, well thats a receipe for a massive headache! I really am dreading our holiday, which i hate, as my partner can't stop talking about it!

[ummmm]

You won't be able to stop siblings bickering. That's what they do.

[bednobs]

your partner is not a mind reader - if you are dreading the holiday why agree to it? Why not just talk to him?

[andy-hughes]

You don't say how long you have been in this relationship.

If you are planning your future with this family, then you will have to become a major part in the childrens' upbringing - all three of them, and i think you need to do some serious thinking about whether you and your daughter want to make the commitment involved.

I see far more minuses than pluses in this set-up, and it is going to get worse unlesss your partner stops trying to be a friend, and starts being a father.

Talk to him honestly about the future, and get a feel for how things are going, and be ready to step off this roundabout.

[ojread2]

Do you live together? You said "smashed up his brand new bathroom" which to me says you dont

Taking things away for 3 months is far too long IMO. Working to pay for a new bathroom would work better

If you dont live with him, it really isn't your problem, at all but if they do you have every right to be involved as it is your property as well.

And a motorbike for a 7 year old? You;re right! That is mad! When/how often his he going to get to use it safely when dad is around?

You have EVERY right to say no to anything!

[ojread2]

oh, and BTW, I entered a relationship, as in living together, with a man who's 3 boys were a nightmare thinking I would be able to parent them into nicer kids ............ I was wrong.
It is unnerving how quickly children become and remain like this - I stuck it for 7 years and they were still uncontrollable, violent little thugs when I eventually left

[peason77]

hi guys, no i don't live with him. Way too soon for that! we've been seeing each other approx 5 months. As for siblings bickering? yes i completely understand that! i have two siblings and we fought like cat and dog but never to the extremes i've seen these pair. It gets really quite violent, and i know i never back chatted my parents..... i was too scared. They can't pay off the damage to the bathroom themselves as they are only 7 and 9. He had booked the holiday before i knew about it, and told me as a surprise. I didn't have the heart to tell him i wouldn't feel comfortable going if his kids didn't shape up. They're not like this at school, which suggests it is an attention thing. He's got them this weekend so i guess its a case of silent observation for now.

[ojread2]

oh yes they can pay off the bathroom damage, regardless of their age
They do jobs until it's paid for - washing up, drying, dusting, vacmuming etc etc

Are you with him and them at the weekends he has them?
If yes, I would suggest you stay away and let him spend all his time with them. You really shouldn't have even met them yet having only been with him 5 months
Perhaps they see their mum with different men a lot? Maybe they've seen dad with different women? Maybe they have behaved this way with other GF's of dad's and they've seen them off?

[ojread2]

vacuuming*

[peason77]

i'm the first woman who's ever been introduced to his kids. His ex has been with the same man since they split nearly 4 years ago. So there hasn't been a convoy of men or women coming into their lives since they split. I do occasionally see them on weekends he has them, but i prefer to take a back seat. I would like a future wth this man, i don't take meeting his kids lightheartedly, i'm genuine. My partner is going to pick up his son's motorbike today. Gawd, i'm finding it hard to keep my mouth shut!!