News2 mins ago
Tales of punny rabbits
101. Employees of the local 10-pun bowling club have gone on STRIKE, leaving the management in diSPARE. Staff say they want to live life in the fast LANE, but have been treated like TURKEYs and left feeling PINned down. "Don't FENCE us in," said one, "or we'll SPLIT." Management say they're OPEN to discussion, but staff feel they're being pushed into the GUTTER like ALLEY cats.
102. A duck goes into a shop and asks, "Can I have some lip salve please?"
The shop assistant asks, "Will you be paying cash?"
The duck replies, "No thank you, just put it on my bill."
103. Walking through a graveyard, I heard noises coming from Beethoven's tomb. It sounded a bit like his ninth symphony but was playing backwards. I fetched the rector. When he came he identified the eighth symphony being played backwards. We listened and it was followed by the seventh being played backwards.
“Ah!” He said. “He's just decomposing.”
104. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
105. It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
106. I heard the game reserve was having a jungle sale. I went and bought an impala for £10,000 and an antelope for £15,000. When I got home my wife scolded me for wasting our money. All I could say was, “Oh dear deer, dear!”
107. I left my new brogues with the shoe shine boy. Unfortunately a cat ate them. When I returned I saw a mangy feline licking its lips. Turning to him I asked, “Pardon me boy. Is that the cat that chewed my new shoes?”
108. The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal filling because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
109. We ate at a German restaurant. The first course was awful.
“But I'm afraid, the wurst is yet to come,” I told my wife.
110. There were 5 of us waiting to see the Optician and this guy came up to us and gave us an eye queue test.
102. A duck goes into a shop and asks, "Can I have some lip salve please?"
The shop assistant asks, "Will you be paying cash?"
The duck replies, "No thank you, just put it on my bill."
103. Walking through a graveyard, I heard noises coming from Beethoven's tomb. It sounded a bit like his ninth symphony but was playing backwards. I fetched the rector. When he came he identified the eighth symphony being played backwards. We listened and it was followed by the seventh being played backwards.
“Ah!” He said. “He's just decomposing.”
104. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
105. It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
106. I heard the game reserve was having a jungle sale. I went and bought an impala for £10,000 and an antelope for £15,000. When I got home my wife scolded me for wasting our money. All I could say was, “Oh dear deer, dear!”
107. I left my new brogues with the shoe shine boy. Unfortunately a cat ate them. When I returned I saw a mangy feline licking its lips. Turning to him I asked, “Pardon me boy. Is that the cat that chewed my new shoes?”
108. The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal filling because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
109. We ate at a German restaurant. The first course was awful.
“But I'm afraid, the wurst is yet to come,” I told my wife.
110. There were 5 of us waiting to see the Optician and this guy came up to us and gave us an eye queue test.
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