Jokes3 mins ago
The pun is mightier than the sword
111. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be baguls.
112. Fred Penn lives with his two aunties who run a cafe in the local town. The cafe is famous for its variety of pasties and Fred often helps them out by keeping the menu board up to date. This menu board is what you might call........."The Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts"
113. I used to work at a massage parlour, but I got fired. They said I just rubbed every body up the wrong way.
114. One of the chickens in the hen-house decided to be different, and instead of laying an egg, laid an orange insead.
One of her chicks came in and saw it, and said "Look at the orange marmalade!"
115. When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote...
sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
116. Can a shoe box?
No. But a tin can.
117. And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
118. It's good to be with people who think puns are a gas. Acetylene that way myself.
119. Some divers recently surveyed the ocean bed under the Bermuda triangle. They found a wreck tangle.
120. Three brothers bought a cattle ranch and asked their father what he thought they should name it.
He said, "Call it 'Focus', because that's where the sun's rays meet."
112. Fred Penn lives with his two aunties who run a cafe in the local town. The cafe is famous for its variety of pasties and Fred often helps them out by keeping the menu board up to date. This menu board is what you might call........."The Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts"
113. I used to work at a massage parlour, but I got fired. They said I just rubbed every body up the wrong way.
114. One of the chickens in the hen-house decided to be different, and instead of laying an egg, laid an orange insead.
One of her chicks came in and saw it, and said "Look at the orange marmalade!"
115. When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote...
sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
116. Can a shoe box?
No. But a tin can.
117. And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
118. It's good to be with people who think puns are a gas. Acetylene that way myself.
119. Some divers recently surveyed the ocean bed under the Bermuda triangle. They found a wreck tangle.
120. Three brothers bought a cattle ranch and asked their father what he thought they should name it.
He said, "Call it 'Focus', because that's where the sun's rays meet."
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Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four pounds," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four pounds," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.
The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favourite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:
"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."
The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.
The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.
The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.
The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favourite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:
"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."
The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.
The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.
The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.
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