Is my husband being unreasonable or am i being too uptight?

[JaneDoe2]

Oh where to start.... We have been married over 20 years and have one child together. OH is very quiet and I would say submissive to everyone he comes into contact with except me. For the last couple of years he is getting progressively worse with me, for instance he will ask my opinion on something then spend the next half hour telling me why my opinion is not worthy (why ask me for it then?) He seems to have one moral rule for him and for everyone else. For example a few weeks ago we needed to contact someone on a sunday night in regard to business and at 7pm he said no it would have to wait because no one should be phoned at that time of night on a Sunday. Tonight he is wanting to phone someone who could easily be contacted tomorrow but because he wants to contact them it all of a sudden becomes OK to phone at 7.30 on a Sunday. We had a shouting match yesterday because he was trying to park in town and was going to drive 50 metres up a one way street to avoid gong around the block and he even managed to make me feel as if I was being unreasonable even though I said if we had an accident he would not have a leg to stand on. If he was bolshy and a bully with everyone I could understand and put it down to his personality but the things he lets other people get away with are amazing and if i tried to do that I would be chastised for it. His nephew basically went behind his back and took a Contract off him and he laughed at him and basically said ok no problem...
Now he's started to contradict me when I am trying to discipline our son who can be quite lazy when it comes to school work. I tell him to do his homework and OH offers to play a game with him on the Wii. He can be very kind and loving but seems to flip between the perfect hubby and the hubby from hell and I just would like him to be somewhere in the middle all the time. I work extremely hard yet never feel appreciated. I do all his admin work for his business including website design, advertising, all book work and do tax returns for personal and business yet am always being told I should perhaps 'go and get a job' now our son is in his early teens. If I argue about anything he brings this up and his usual banter is 'well I'm too busy going out and making money'. With one thing and another (my other thread about my mother) I'm beginning to think its me that needs sorting out and would really appreciate some input even if its not what I want to hear.

[Psybbo]

No you do not need sorting out. He needs to discover how much he relies on you! Tell him you're putting Your CV out there and see how much he back pedals. Good luck xx

[4getmenot]

seems like you are both trying to make an argument out of anything you can and such trivial things.

[JaneDoe2]

4getmenot do you really think these things are trivial? they upset me on a daily basis and make me feel worthless so are not trivial to me but perhaps I'm over reacting?

[4getmenot]

well the rining his work colleague is a bit, I'm sure he can be left alone to make his own decision on that one. And it just seems you want a huge praise for doing hs admin work when it is your choice to do it. Maybe he would like to see you go out and be your own person.

[4getmenot]

nkaybe you both need to sit down and discuss what is on your minds. If you can then maybe you shouldnt be together. Or maybe start looking at the good things he does rather than the negative. x

[ladyalex]

I think he has a problem.
Only he knows what it is, but I'm pretty sure the problem is not you. You're just the one he thinks he can take it out on.
If you want to, do as Sibton suggests and call his bluff re getting a job....but stop doing work for him....

[boxtops]

Does he pay you to do his work? if not, you're in a similar situation where I was many years back - OH used to put me down at every opportunity, because he was alarmed at the prospect of my doing well in a job and getting to meet other people in the work setting. Tell him that if he wants you to get a job, then he can pay someone else to do his stuff. he's got too used to your being there at his beck and call.

[abstibus]

It sounds as if he has a lot of pent-up anger and is taking it out on you, as he's unable to do express it with anyone else.
Refresh your CV and put yourself in the marketplace. Let him know you are doing this; do it calmly, don't cower under his responses.
If he has little idea of your personal worth, at least he might begin to understand what you mean to the business in monetary terms (even if you don't take up a job).
It is not your fault. He is the one with the anger problem.

[4getmenot]

he is the one that has told her to go out and get a job

[rsvp]

would suggest you 'go get a job' and see how things pan out -maybe he can manage his admin etc without you? - doubt he will flip between 'the perfect hubby and the hubby from hell' - no such beast!!!!!!! - suppose there's no chance of just sitting down and having a chat about how you feel and how much you want it to come right????: Teenage sons never contribute to family harmony btw!!!!!

[JaneDoe2]

4getmenot oh gosh I do not want praise for doing his admin work just appreciation. I did go and get a job when son started primary school, it was quite easy actually as I have good qualifications and experience, but I was expected to do everything I did at home when i wasn't 'working' including all business admin,cooking, cleaning,paying all bills. We do talk about it a lot but apparently he is normal and I'm the unreasonable one and should be grateful he goes out to work and makes money . Stupid thing is we actually get on great together most of the time <sigh>

[Psybbo]

Jane, it's strange that you only respond to 4forgetme not?

[4getmenot]

sorry maybe I just look at this whole post differently because I'm quite laid back now after being in hideous relationships myself before, that were probably half my fault because I used to look too much into things. If your child is earlt teens then surely if you did have a job would be no different than before you had a child. wouldnt you come back and cook tea, clean etc anyway?

[abstibus]

You should praise yourself for what your are doing and have done for his business.
Don't let yourself fall into the trap of self blame. The next thing to go is self-esteem.

[4getmenot]

maybe because I am not what she wants to hear, which may be why you tend to see things the way you do.

[JaneDoe2]

boxtops I think you possibly have been in a similar situation and can understand the dynamics involved. You have hit the nail on the head. He would expect me to work and do my work at home and all the other duties. I could of course give him a spreadsheet of the costs of an accountant and a housekeeper as against what I could earn after Tax which I may do ;-)

[JaneDoe2]

sorry sibton don't know what you are getting at?
I responded to 4getmenot then when I clicked submit there were about six other replies I hadn't seen yet -give me time I'll get there.

[sherrardk]

Maybe you could get a part time job? Is your husband worried about money and that's why he keeps going on about you getting a job?

[ladyalex]

I seriously would not do that. You would just be pouring petrol on a fire.
Arguing with him will never lead anywhere. In the state he is in at the moment, he will always thnk he is right.

[Psybbo]

What I was getting at, Jane, you seemed to accept 4forgetmenot's point of view which seemed to agree with your OH. Take a step back and give yourself the credit you deserve. Start bringing in your own money and show your real worth.